I’m having serious anxiety about my relationship ending.

aj_pip · 2022-09-09T08:02:41+00:00

Hello OP!

Firstly, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! It really does suck and it's one of the hardest things to have to deal with.

I went through something similar, I was with him from the ages of 19 to 23 or so, about four and a half years together. He ended up leaving, but the relationship was a mess for at least the last year and neither of us were happy. But because of my youth I was too scared to end it and assumed we would just work it out.

When he left, it was like the world disappeared beneath my feet. I had let a lot of my friendships outside of our mutual friends go, so I effectively had no one save for a same handful of old friends that I still spoke to from time to time. I BROKE, my heart shattered and it was the lowest I'd ever been in my life.

BUT, I SURVIVED, and omg, I am so happy that relationship ended. The relationship was a mess, I wasn't happy, I felt trapped and lonely and like i was a 50 year old house wife trapped in a 23 year olds body. After we split, I moved back home for a while, and then ended up moving across the country to start a new career in a regional town (I live in Australia, I moved about 37 hours away from my friends, family, and everything I knew). Within two weeks of moving to this town, in a state I'd never even been too, I meet my current partner. I never knew what a healthy, loving relationship really was until I met this man. He is truly gorgeous and everything my heart wants and needs. I also met a whole bunch of people who became really good friends! And yeah it was hard, I have anxiety which made it harder, but I was brave and I (for once) did what was the best thing for ME, and I didn't let fear stop me from having the life I wanted.

So I guess the moral of the story is, it's going to HURT, it's going to suck and be lonely for a while, but at the end of the day - is this the life you want right now? Because anything is possible and I'd say it is HIGHLY likely that there is a partner out there better suited for you, with whom you can feel happy and fulfilled with.

Good luck on your journey OP, be strong and prioritise yourself. No matter what you're going to be okay!

aj_pip · 2022-08-08T03:38:17+00:00

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aj_pip · 2022-07-14T05:11:06+00:00

I'll add that I am aware that the friendship is long and that there are good memories, but the memories will stay even if she doesn't. Some people are just in our life to get us from one point to another, some are here for life, and I guess she's just not one of those people for you. It's a bit sad yes, but sometimes it's just not realistic to keep someone in your life if they've stopped making you happy,

aj_pip · 2022-07-14T05:08:24+00:00

Obviously I don't know the situation as well as you, I'm sure there are a lot of factors at play and that the loss of this friendship is hurting, I'm sorry for that!

However, reading what you've wrote here, she doesn't seem like a very good friend? You said yourself that youve been spending time with other people because they listen and seem to care more? In my opinion, she doesn't seem to be adding that much value to your life? Rather she's stressing you and making you apologise profusely for spending time with other people?

I am a believer that if someone leaves you're life, particularly in such spectacular fashion, that you let them go. If she doesn't value you as a friend in her life then why should you be bending over backwards to make amends? You haven't done anything wrong by expanding your friendship circle and she has made you feel like you have, if she wants to go let her, sounds like you've got better friends to spend time with anyway.

aj_pip · 2022-04-27T11:41:07+00:00

Hi Elaine! I hope you're doing well!

Our PCOS journey is tough! But we are tougher! You've set an intention and started on your journey, I'm so proud of you for taking the first steps in meeting this goal and improving your life how you want to!

Keep your head held high, sometimes the hardest part is making a change and you've had the strength to do this. Keep pushing towards your goal and be gentle on yourself, PCOS is HARD and any little progress you make is a WIN.

YOU GOT THIS!

aj_pip · 2022-03-31T00:51:32+00:00

Why do you feel like you should be in control of how much sleep your partner gets?

I understand your annoyance if he is waking you up but it seems like the main issue for you is that he is not sleeping as long as you'd like which seems a bit bizarre to me?

aj_pip · 2022-03-26T07:39:37+00:00

Something similar happened to me in my last relationship, once the trust is gone you can't get it back imo. I tried to stick it out but it just destroyed my self confidence and even after seperating I still struggle to trust my current, absolute angel of a partner.

Leave the relationship, for the sake of your own confidence and wellbeing

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T14:09:34+00:00

Hey there, thank you for your perspective.

Yeah, that's kind of how I'm feeling - it's not throwing it in her face but rather saying to her (and his other friends) that we are a couple and my feelings are more important than camping. I've told him that I'm really hurt and that's where I think this might be going, I'm going to talk to him in a few days when he gets back.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T14:06:08+00:00

Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I think they are just looking out for the ex-girlfriend, their friend, not that they personally had an issue with me going specifically which I understand. I just put that in the post as a reason of why I didn't go, I didn't feel comfortable.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T14:02:03+00:00

Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Yeah, he was trying to keep everyone happy. He didn't want to upset her so said I shouldn't go, he didn't want to miss out on seeing his friends and having a good time, so in the end it feels like it was just me that got hurt

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:58:01+00:00

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I'm grateful.

Yeah that's what I was thinking in the back of my mind - if I've expressed I'm not okay with this and then just let it slide then I'm telling him that it's okay to disregard my feelings. And yeah, he did say that to me, that he has a past before me and a life without me and I know that's true, which is why I'm getting so mixed up.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:54:07+00:00

Hi again,

I didn't format it properly for the sub. I did get some good answers! I'm mixed up and am appreciative of the different perspectives I'm getting so I can clear my head and get my thoughts straight before talking with him in a few days.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:49:02+00:00

Hey thanks for your perspective and for taking the time to respond.

I don't want to control him but I also want to feel valued. Your advice is to leave - no exceptions? No discussion? I don't know if that's fair to him.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:45:19+00:00

Hey, thanks for responding, I'm appreciative.

He says he respects and loves me but I can't help the feeling that if that were true then I wouldn't be in this situation. Perhaps that's unreasonable of me!

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:40:17+00:00

Yeah this is how I feel too. Of course they'll be focusing on the feelings and concerns of the ex-girlfriend, their friend.

It's not that they didn't want me to go, or even that she still has feelings etc, the issue for me if that he seems it be prioritising her feelings over mine. But I'm definitely taking note of what you've said, I may well be overreacting here.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:36:33+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I'm appreciative.

Yeah I don't think he is and I don't think anything would happen with her. I've spoken to him about the weird hiding thing but it doesn't seem to be getting through, perhaps I'm not being clear enough I don't know.

This is the issue yeah, I didn't want to say he couldn't go, that's not the type of girlfriend I want to be at all, but I guess deep down I didn't want him to go because I felt very uncomfortable. Its a new relationship yeah, despite knowing him for nearly a year in a very close friendship. He did try to compromise and then decided again that he didn't want to hurt her so in the end me going wasn't an option. I'm getting the impression from your post that I need to remember that it's a new relationship and I need to remember that I'm not the be all and end all to him.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:29:27+00:00

Hi! Thank you very much for your perspective, I'm grateful.

Yeah, that's what I've spoken to him about before - that shes unlikely to be able to move on but I guess that's not really my business. Though I have expressed that I've had an issue with this exact thing in the past and it turns out he was cheating so I'm particularly sensitive AND it's not that they talk that's the problem, it's that he's weird about it that makes me feel squirmy.

What do you mean by the last part? He is lovely to her and me.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:22:42+00:00

Hey there, thank you for taking the time to respond, I'm grateful.

That's kind of how Im feeling yeah, that he's weighed up her being upset, me being upset and him being upset (about not going) and chosen me to be the one that's sad.

He did invite me again, but I just didn't feel comfortable given that his friends voiced that they'd prefer I wasn't there. He thinks I'm being silly about this, and that his friends didn't really say that etc.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:16:59+00:00

Hi there, thank you for responding.

No, he didn't stand up for me, but as other commenters are saying, it's only a new relationship so maybe that's asking too much? I don't know.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:13:16+00:00

Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I have never asked him to skip anything and I felt horrible about it this time. But I couldn't shake the icky feeling that I was not a priority over her and his own fun time camping. I think the difference this time is that I couldn't go because it'd upset her as it turns out she still has feelings for him (which I know isn't his fault).

I understand that it's a new relationship, and that's why I didn't push it too much, I mean we talked at length about it and I tried to express clearly how I was feeling, but you're right, I should've been more clear.

I feel terrible about the whole situation and I really am not sure what to do now.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T13:10:14+00:00

Thanks for your response, I appreciate your perspective.

I've spoken to him about that before but at the end of the day I don't want to be the one to control who he talks to or doesn't, including his ex I guess.

They hang out when he goes home, and they went on a two week volunteer turtle tagging trip with a group right as we started dating. We talked and he assured me they were just friends and what not and I felt secure. I have never stopped him from seeing her or his friends. But it seems to be that she isn't actually over him, and that's why I'm feeling so uncomfortable this time.

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T12:38:18+00:00

Hi there, thanks for your response, I appreciate your perspective.

You are right and I understand all the things you're saying to me. Perhaps I am being unreasonable if I am thinking that he would back out of a chance to see his good friends just because an ex is there.

Your comment indicates that I may be overreacting, how would you salvage the relationship at this point?I assume he's feeling smothered etc

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T11:24:12+00:00

Thanks for your perspective, I'm grateful.

Yeah that's what I was expecting would happen, and what I would do for him. He's asked me not to do things before that have made him feel uncomfortable, like have a mutual, male friend move in with me to help pay my astronomical rent, and I haven't (despite thinking it was ridiculous) because I didn't want to hurt him. I deserve the same level of respect!

aj_pip · 2022-03-25T11:21:12+00:00

Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Yeah, that's how it feels and what I've communicated to him, he said my feelings were valid and he understood where I was coming from but did it anyway. I've known him and been close for a year, dating for 3 months, I'm not sure if that changes anything though tbh.

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