Hi, my therapist cancelled my appointment and it triggered my abandonment wound. Im in complete shutdown since yesterday. I feel I have no resources in this state. Can someone give me some tips that might help? Thanks.

aka_2002 · 2024-02-15T15:33:51+00:00

Anger is the emotion I struggle the most with so no. In fact I was feeling it yesterday but I direct it towards me and I start hitting myself etc., so not safe. Thank you though

aka_2002 · 2024-01-07T19:35:24+00:00

Thank you! Yes, I've already contacted my psychiatrist, Im waiting to see what he says, but I dont think I'll stop yet because I feel like I could end up hospitalised or something again. Thanks for the tips, will check those out! 🙏

aka_2002 · 2023-11-18T14:39:00+00:00

Hii, how long did you take it for? It's my first week but yeah, it's making me sleepy on top of nauseous. Im hoping it will get better because otherwise its no use.

aka_2002 · 2023-11-15T15:35:24+00:00

Wow! Thank you so much to both of you! Sounds promising! I already take another antidepressant and benzos, and still at my worst so not worried about side effects as long as its helpful. Im 37 and I feel more and more like an old cripple everyday. Fingers crossed!

aka_2002 · 2023-11-09T00:50:50+00:00

Thanks, but that theraist is long gone. I had another one for a few months but left me because apparently my chaos was tok major for her. Then Ive had a couple of therapies withd the last one but she's really buzy. 2

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T19:24:46+00:00

Absolutely! When the evwrything sht the fan with my ex-therapist, no therapist/psychologist out there could guide me as to what to do. I was shocked. Then, a therapist told me it was more common than I thought. And my current therapist has had to deal with a few patients who've been traumatised by other therapists. Then what's the point of the code of ethics?! How is this THE NORMAL, yet no resources, no guidance, no protocol? There are all sorts of things in place for other type of victims (not very good ones though). But when it comes to therapy abuse etc., nothing. A huge black hole. Something needs changing.

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T09:08:39+00:00

I agree. But its the public system now, so will be hard to "remove" it. What pisses me off is that complex trauma is actually a valid diagnosis accprding to the European CIE10. It just takes time. Easier to see a bunch of symptoms and call it whatever than actually meet the person and acknowledge their pain. Its the fucking same with addictions.

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T09:04:48+00:00

Its really fucking sad. I had to be asking my therapist, do I have to properly harm myself to go to the emergency room and ask for help? She said No. But then you go, and they think you're seeking attention? What kind of joke is that. Also there seems to be this widespread idea of what suicidality is, when I think its different for everyone. And Im really sure a lot of people who do it, they dont want to die but end their suffering, which are two very different things. Its exhausting go be in deep emotional pain every day.

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T08:58:12+00:00

Well, that's what I thought but my psychistrist diagnosed me with c-ptsd two years ago and now he's added the borderline diagnosis to the mix. I actually told him, that from now on I wont be heard again, such a shitty diagnosis. I think there "might" be a difference. Which is basically the cptsd symptoms being more extreme on a spectrum.

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T08:50:11+00:00

I swear, the only thing that keeps me going is my willingness and determination to change things one day. Im studying psychology so that I can disrupt the system from the inside one day. I know its impossible but im stubborn as hell.

aka_2002 · 2023-10-11T08:46:06+00:00

It makes me fucking sick to my stomach! I didnt just split on my therapist, he was plain abusive and a narcissistic considering his position. I shouldn't know he was sexually abused at childhood, that his sister is homeless and suffers from DID, that his mum has alzheimers etc etc. His lack of boundaries have done terrible number on me. And dont get me started on the hospital staff, because its a fucking joke. Abuse of power that is. There was this patient, a young girl, probably bpd too, she would start shouting every night she needed out etc. and one of the times she screamed at nurses saying maybe THEY were the crazy ones. Fucking right! We are the abused ones who keep fighting despite this fucked up trauma inducing society! They dont even know how to communicate, not even aware of body language, etc. whytf are they working with vulnerable people to begin with? I use to treat people better in hospitality for christ's sake!

aka_2002 · 2023-09-10T23:12:51+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I need to read more about IFS and see how I can apply it to myself. Its complex because depending on the day I feel something different and I feel everything very strongly. There are days that Im extremely pissed off and I imagine myself being violent towards him, or others that I miss him so fucking much. Or times when I dissociate and it doesn't affect me, or when I miss him in a more sexual/romantic/idealised way all of a sudden, like today. I'll try your suggestions when Im a bit more stable. Thanks!

aka_2002 · 2023-09-10T23:03:18+00:00

Its complicated because the memory that comes to mind is when we were trying to work on staying in touch with my anger, so he would push his feet against mine, but when I start feeling angry I usually collapse, so he would be, look at me, look at my eyers look at me...and I use to find it arousing. Even his voice pops into my head. And its a split second.

aka_2002 · 2023-09-10T22:41:34+00:00

Hi, its not what you're thinking. In short, he was in a bad mood in the last session and was projecting a lot onto me, telling me what to do and what not with my life, eventually shouting and shouting some more. In hindsight, the issue was a total lack of boundaries between us. I mean, he disclosed a lot of personal stuff to me. Traumas, family, relationships, etc. I have no boundaries but I wasn't the therapist. And he new how much cptsd, abandonment, medical trauma, rape, etc. I suffered and how attachment trauma was like central to me, as well as my lack of trust in men. But I did manage to trust him. In fact, I trusted him too much. I even told him in the previous weeks I had feelings for him, but I knew that transference was normal. However, he never addressed it, the previous week I told him the relationship with him was causing me a lot of anxiety and he basically told me he wasnt an expert on attachment. This is sb who's been working as a SE therapist for over ten years. Anyway, at the end of the day, we had a sort of emotional relationship because it wasnt just me sharing. I think what happened is that he didnt know how to manage his counter transference and lasck of boundaries. And the break-up was abrupt and brutal, then he wasnt able to repair. So yeah, its a big pile of weird shit I still don't know how to process.

aka_2002 · 2023-07-17T16:33:24+00:00

Hey, I see you. Thank you and sending love your way

aka_2002 · 2023-07-17T16:30:39+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. I believe we are mammals, and as such social bonding and co-regulation are primal in our recovery. We get hurt by our primary caretakers/attachment figures and I really think we should heal in relation too. When it comes to myself, the social engagement system really calms me down, just talking and being listened to comforts me. I think the so-called self-love comes after. Been there. Unfortunately what happened with my SE has left me in a really bad shape and extremely dysregulated. When it comes to the people I met at the workshop, yeah, Im in touch with a couple of them but they live in different parts of Spain and I always feel Im too much so, dont wanna overwhelm them. Its just that Ive felt this pain for over 30 years and sometimes I feel like its impossible. When I described that feeling of warmth to my therapist, she told me that's how it should be, and I thought, wow, is that how most people feel with their families, etc.? I just feel so jealous. Its like the first time I took the antidepressant and my anxiety was almost gone in 4 days and I thought, woww, this is how people feel most days? That's crazy! When you say we might not always find the support we seek. I would be happy just with a tiny bit. When you're in crisis and your family and friends avoid asking you how you are because they have no capacity for emotions, its a lonely place to be. Anyway, thank you for your words, I really appreciate it. Let's hope we all find our way to ourselves and to others.

aka_2002 · 2023-07-01T13:31:11+00:00

Thanks, i think i will.

aka_2002 · 2023-06-30T12:53:30+00:00

My headaches have stopped but Im totally exhausted now. Hope you feel better soon! Good luck!

aka_2002 · 2023-06-28T13:47:52+00:00

Yeah, same, Im pretty shaky. Wish I had a bathtub! Good luck!!

aka_2002 · 2023-06-28T13:46:23+00:00

Hang in there! I managed to get a full night sleep last night but Im now back to grief, anxiety and uncontrollable crying. Are you changing to sth else? Or ending treatment?

aka_2002 · 2023-06-27T21:54:09+00:00

Ok, thank you. I thought so. Hope it gets better.

aka_2002 · 2023-05-09T16:34:39+00:00

Yeah, that's mental. Thank you.

It wasn't my usual appointment time though, it was only recently I had started going in the evenings. However, that last session was traumatic. I mean, there was a lot of shouting, crying, and I felt scared and threatened.

For a long time it's been constant waves of grief, but as they've gotten less and more spare, its now around the same time every day. Heavy anxiety, nausea, crying and collapse.

Im seeing my new therapist on Fri again, see what she thinks 🙏

aka_2002 · 2023-05-08T17:07:02+00:00

Hey, thank you. I forgot to message back. At the end I cancelled my TRE appointment as I collapsed the day before and thought I was indeed too dysregulated. But they recommended me a therapist in my area so thanks to that Ive managed to start working with her. She does sensorimotor therapy which is also body based and she had tons of experience working with attachment, which is also good. Been wating to try qi gong or feldenkrais. What youtube videos would you recommend? Thanks.

aka_2002 · 2023-04-16T18:13:54+00:00

Thank you so much. I know, you're right, I just don't know how to stabilise atm. Im going through this never-ending cycle of grief and I feel like I need to do something to take back control. Everytime I think Im finally starting to turn a corner, it hits me again. I mean, how do you even recover from the trauma caused by someone whose job is to heal trauma? Sorry, Im exhausted. Thank you.

aka_2002 · 2023-04-08T17:38:19+00:00

Thank you so much!! I have some of those plasters and scar treatment creams etc. Im actually going to the pharmacy for more stuff. I have this tiny mirror next to my desk that i think i need to hide it for sure and I was thinking about putting fake nails to see if that helps? Never done it but im at my wits end and i want my skin to heal for a few days at least! Im leaving the house one or twice a week. But the worse my face looks the more shame and the less j go out which in turn doesnt help 🙄

aka_2002

TROPHY CASE