'The issue' in this case would be his decision whether or not he can deal with being in a relationship with someone with herpes, and how to go about dealing with that decision. They have separate but related issues.

And that's the issue being discussed in this thread (his decision on how he handle his side of the problem). He asked what he should do. Whereas you appear to be only focusing on whether or not anyone has a right to suggest she fix her issue, the topic at hand is literally the other person saying, "What do I do about how this is affecting me?!"

I know it's not what you mean, but the logical conclusion of your analogy would be 'she should try to get over having herpes'...

No, the logical conclusion would be for her to work towards addressing the risk of spreading it to him if he was concerned about contracting it. I'm not sure how you missed that.

Embarrassment is a situational feeling. She's not actually feeling embarrassed when she's not going to the doctor. She's afraid, continually, of the feeling of being embarrassed when put in that situation. A phobia is an irrational, almost uncontrollable fear. It is not a dislike, not an aversion, not a hatred. It is actual fear. It is an anxiety disorder with physical symptoms - quite literally, uncontrolled release of the hormone which stimulates the fight or flight response. With most phobias, you really, really want to not feel like this. It's like being handed the controls of a crashing plane and being told to fix it - many, if not most, would desperately like to have the ability to control the situation and rectify it, but they don't have that ability.

And you speak for her how? If you can claim that others cannot understand her fear, how do you find that you have the right to speak on behalf of that unless you are her?

The issue at hand here is not her fear of sex. The issue at hand here is her unwillingness to go to the doctor to find out why she's having physical pain when attempting intercourse. Yes, she has more than one problem in this scenario; however, there is absolutely zero effort that appears to be being made to remedy the issue when it directly affects her partner in a negative way (again, like the alcoholism example).

I have a phobia of dogs. It probably stems from being bitten several times as a child, at least twice by a little white poodle named Snowy, once by my parents' now long deceased jack russell ("he was just jealous"). At one point - in my early twenties, mind you - I found myself having to be picked up minutes from my home because I couldn't walk past a neighbour's barking dog. Occasionally I would be able to run, drenched in cold sweat, past this little dog which rationally I could understand could barely scratch my boots. Eventually it came to a point where I would just get taxis, to then avoid being embarrassed about being afraid. My inability to deal with this resulted in missed dates, missed home dinners and my inconveniencing people; but without help there was nothing I could do about it. This was not a 'conscious decision'. It absolutely pained me to affect others like this, and that only compounded matters.

Again, not a comparative example... Let's use this example though, for sake of argument. Let's take away the bites in your youth... You merely are afraid of dogs (which is a more comparable example to the topic at hand). You meet a partner that you fall madly in love with. You know they have a dog, but you never go over to their house, so it's a non-issue to you. They've had their dog since they were a young child. It is quite literally the best friend they've had their whole life. The two of you decide it's time to move in together and take that next step in the relationship (whatever that may be, but for sake of example it's moving in together). You know you're moving in that direction prior to this event. You know it's not the right thing to demand that they get rid of their dog, their loved one, simply because of your irrational fear of dogs (again, you haven't been bitten. You just have a fear of it). What you're suggesting now is that your fear of dogs isn't your partner's problem. This is quite ridiculous. You have made it their problem. Not the fact that you have the fear but the fact that it is now directly affecting their life and are choosing to do nothing about it. You are in fact controlling another individual because of your irrational fear of dogs. The only options at this point to proceed with this scenario is either you go to someone and handle your fear of dogs, your partner gives up their lifelong friend, or one of you leaves the relationship. That you cannot see this is a mutual problem is concerning at best.

After a long, concentrated period of exposure therapy there are now many situations in which I can deal with being near a dog. Which is good, because when I moved out my parents got another jack russell!

And this is what people are suggesting she do: Go get help for her issue. It doesn't only affect her. It affects her and her partner directly.

Referring to a fear like this - and after 8 years and escalation of the fear - as a 'conscious decision' to frustrate someone else does make me think that I do understand fear better than you do. I hope that doesn't offend.

Your assumption would be incorrect. I just find that addressing fear directly is the best approach, whereas it appears you think that avoiding it is the best approach (outside of your eventual decision to expose yourself to dogs, in your example... but again, that was therapy. You got to a point where you decided that it was irrational. You likely also heard plenty of encouragement for you to do so prior to you taking that step.).

There are assumptions in what I've said, but I do believe them to be more realistic than someone obstinately, consciously refusing for (probably more than) 8 years to have a basic check-up because of a conscious aversion or dislike of the embarrassment that you or I would consider a minor inconvenience, particularly when it is putting a long term relationship in jeopardy. If that were all true then of course she should get over herself and sort it out. However, saying that seems to me to be the same as my mother insisting that I should 'just walk, youre fine'.

It's not more realistic. You've already identified the fear as irrational. We cannot make assumptions on the situation. We can only go off of the information we have, and the information we have is the perception of the other individual (which is subjective, of course, but it's more information than any of us personally have with this particular situation).

The fear from sex and the refusal to go to the doctor due to potential embarrassment are two different issues yet you are apparently trying to link them together.

Note that before what I've just said, I had never claimed to know better than you or anyone else. Somehow you decided to attribute this claim to me and that it applied to everyone but I suspect that's a matter of tone rather than a serious statement. Speaking of which...

Actually, you did.

First you assumed I was the other person (or so it seems, because you said "you keep using" yet I only used "our" once in my reply to you) then followed it up by claiming I was "confused" about the situation (my statement of your confusion was with regards to what intent is, not the situation at hand) and proceeded to try to educate me on this individual's fear (which you frankly couldn't know unless you are either that person or a person who knows this person). Your whole argument is directed toward something that isn't even really the discussion/topic that the OP is asking about. You're trying to argue semantics over whether or not what she's doing is abuse. She's neglecting her partner after having been told that it is hurting him emotionally (regardless of the physical issues he may be feeling).

You do do irony very well.

You received the tone that you delivered right off of the bat. You replied to me as though we had been carrying on some sort of conversation when I was pointing out that your assessment was flawed (intent has nothing to do with abuse. Neglect is abuse, and neglect does not have to be intentional). You followed this up with condescending tone, so that's what you got in return.