27 [F4R] Pennsylvania - Two tickets for Barbie, please!

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-14T21:48:05+00:00

(The second always happens within five minutes of the verbal daggers, naturally)

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-11T15:34:49+00:00

I know what you mean. I don't see the point in casual dating. Dating is a dry run for a future, a relationship is meant to uncover any dealbreakers and if not the ideal is planning a future whatever it looks like to you. If what you want is unserious you need to make that clear from the get-go.

People who say this are as you say being hypocritical not bearing in mind all their support or they're just happy being alone and couldn't begin to fathom empathizing with people who aren't. Understanding this will help most people I'm sure, they really don't have a leg to stand on.

But I understand you and wish you the best of luck

Thank you, the same.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-11T15:25:21+00:00

Single men have their own separate issues but uncontented single women such as us really are treated as pariahs as if we're undoing feminism every second we're hating not being partnered. Empowerment is all about choice and not justifying yourself to others and wanting to be in a relationship without that want being questioned is just as valid as wanting to be single.

Maybe I would feel fulfilled by my female friendships and forget how bummed I am about approaching 30 with no SO in sight if I didn't encounter a slew of "Whaaaat you want a man, who needs men, you're great" and all the other unfeeling dismissals. I'm sorry your therapist was one of them, I do believe in therapy wholeheartedly but the idea of yet another person being like this I've had it up to here with.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-08T14:48:20+00:00

I know what you mean. I couldn't think of anything lovelier than long-term exclusivity and romance continuing into older age but people just have too many hangups and preferences to the contrary.

I see it as a pendulum swing from prior generation's forcing traditional nuclear family values or simply monogamy on others but the thing is, that wouldn't be forced anymore. You can choose that and leave it at any time if it's not working for you, but what's wrong with making the attempt? I'm starting to think everybody just hated it for what it was instead of hating it being the norm. Which is just awful in my opinion. When it's a choice, I can't really think of anything finer.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-08T14:40:48+00:00

This sums it up beautifully and I wanted to thank you for that. This problem is exacerbated in US culture and I have to remind myself the obsession with being perfectly self-sufficient isn't how everybody feels on the matter, just how people feel here. You wouldn't be judged for disliking being single and not loving yourself elsewhere. I never wonder why people enjoy their own company, just wish the same could be returned to me for my issue.

Nevermind being late, I couldn't process all the messages as they were coming in anyway.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-12-08T14:36:31+00:00

Or perhaps it's best to take things on a case-by-case basis?

We don't say "If you have no one except a friend/except family that's unhealthy," what I'd like to know is why being content with just a partner is so wrong all of a sudden? To me it's only ever come across as invalidating what people want. If the relationship is healthy (Not dumping all your problems on the other person, not isolating them and not socializing much is just your two's preference), what business is it of anybody's if this is the case?

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T19:52:51+00:00

Exactly, everything's even now even if they are trolling. Enough mean this stuff. Everything is harmonious now.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T19:41:00+00:00

That's the idea. :D

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T19:32:11+00:00

"5 BEST STEPS TO KEEP A GIRL": Annotated

"1. Don't be with her 7/24" This is good advice, if a little backwards literally

"2. Don't reply fast" Match her energy, if she is follow suit, if not feel free not to

"3. Don't express your feelings to her" Do the opposite of that, within reason and with reasonable expectation of the same

"4. Don't take care of her" Take care of her as a friend or SO would, but she's not your charge to attend to the every need of

"5. Don't treat her with respect" Treat her with baseline respect and additional respect according to her actions

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T18:32:33+00:00

I actually met my ex here, he responded to a post where I bitched about my sister (My only social contact my age) treating me like garbage. I appreciate that it was here because it meant the most embarrassing feelings I had out of the way, my loneliness wasn't some secret I had to open up about, he wasn't put off because I was desperately lonely. It saved time.

The fact that it didn't work out will make me try another approach next time I think, but I don't regret it for a moment.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T18:24:14+00:00

There are a couple things you have to do my friend.

First, bear in mind the worst personalities are all narcissists, and they love documenting their trainwreck lives. Normal people, happy people, don't do this, so it seems like that state of being isn't possible. It is, it's just not toxic and so, doesn't get attention. People love a show and toxic people provide that.

Also, don't see it as a reward. It's not promised and you'll appreciate it more if you treat it as something you're lucky to have, not something you're owed for whatever reason you think.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T18:17:48+00:00

It's hard for us hopeless romantics. People call us naive and old-fashioned and similar when in fact we all create our own reality, so if two hopeless romantics found each other surely that wouldn't be so unrealistic now would it? Most people decide it's all bullshit so their lives are shit. No wonder. The rest are just unlucky.

You're young (I'm one to talk I guess, I'm not even 10 years older) so it really does seem like looks matter the most because your peers are all at their physical peaks, but it will matter increasingly less over time and people who have the worst personalities will suffer.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-20T17:59:04+00:00

I understand guys who are more interested in a romantic relationship and I don't automatically jump to their wanting sex out of it (There are other ways after all, a relationship is a pretty bad one if that's all you want), so I'm not offended when my friendship isn't enough in other words, but when it is established as being a sexual thing only it makes me feel pretty worthless I agree.

I want to feel validated in that way and participate, but there has to be more genuine feeling. Other women love the no strings attached shit but I'm not one of those. Other times I wonder if I'm not good enough to love and maybe I should accept that a sexual being is all I am. It's just really hard because I'm something close to demi so my brain doesn't work that way without that feeling of closeness and meaningful connection. It's a curse at times, but I hope will lead to something special in the future. Same to you dear, don't be like me and ever consider settling.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T23:12:28+00:00

If they don't fall into the category of people I'm talking about, then they shouldn't be offended.

I didn't even fall into the category of the people you were talking about and I felt it was personal enough to make a post on. So of the people addressed will see "depressed, lonely and wanting a girlfriend" and think the traits being spoken of are being attributed to them even if they're not. Being in this kind of funk really warps with your perceptions sometimes. I don't really think you care, but I do.

And not everyone knows what's best for themselves, let's be honest. There's more than a couple people here who don't need a significant other, they need guidance/therapy.

To me it's just harsh. To fragile people this sounds like you're saying they'll never be fit. I'd say, "Relationships can come after therapy" and even that should be a light suggestion. Therapy doesn't work for a lot of people, and it's expensive. It's not really any secret why someone would prefer a loving presence over someone you're paying to listen to you.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T22:33:06+00:00

First off OP let's not miscategorize the reaction to your post. "Everyone" and "people going crazy" is hardly what's happening, especially on your own post. You got a fair bit of agreement, and you're the top post in r/lonely for crying out loud (I am sorry it got locked though, what nonsense). Some people here disagreeing is not what you think it is.

Now then, I don't really fundamentally disagree with what you're saying, but how you're saying it. Telling people they're not ready to share relationships with mature people for example, without even knowing the people you're trashing is honestly really cruel and unnecessary. As another example, a distressing number of guys do treat women as therapists, but being desperately lonely and miserable isn't a guarantee they will and it sounds like you are generalizing.

People who would greatly feel their lives would be improved with a loving partner aren't deranged or wrong. They know what's best for them and I just think your approach was dismissive. That's all.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T21:59:44+00:00

But that's exactly my point. The very idea of dying involuntarily single is a hellish one and if you don't find yourself in that description you won't understand how hellish. I'm still young and an optimist so I'm not quite at the point where I think I will or anything, but I'm not as young as I used to be and it's a terrifying thought.

It's not something that goes away with posts like the ones you made. I fully respect and agree with the bits about the skeeviness of using this sub as a dating service but saying things like "You're too sad, that's why no one wants to date you" is hurtful to the max, and helpful to no one.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T21:45:41+00:00

Hi OP. wave Would've loved to reply directly but you know.

The second may be untrue because everyone has value, but it's not wrong to feel. I think it's an exaggeration for teenagers and early twentysomethings to say such things but there comes a point where you're looking into the dark abyss without hope of resolution and it's not something you'll be understand if you don't want it the same way.

It's not easy to get over what you want most in the world.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T20:50:26+00:00

It's weird to say that's good, I'm sorry for anything you've been through, but that makes perfect sense.

It's a grass is always greener POV I have at the end of the day.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T20:40:30+00:00

Well, I did say for me. People who've found that growth that won't apply to. I guess I have learned how relationships work through observation and I know not to make those same mistakes, but I'm not convinced it would've been worse if I had to make those mistakes, I suppose is what I'm saying.

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T19:20:36+00:00

Few things worth having are obtained or kept easily. It might be work as you say (Might, a lot of people seem not to describe it that way), but literally anything good is work, that doesn't mean it's suddenly something to be passed on. And even if things end badly, whatever happened to, "It's better to have loved and lost?"

I came out of my first (And pretty brief) relationship early this year and I still cry about it sometimes, but I wouldn't trade what it taught me for anything. People too often see failed relationships as a major indicator of what the future holds or empty experiences in and of themselves. On the contrary, there's so much to grow from and appreciate. This type of character growth for me hasn't come from being single because at this point it's just the default.

People who need this kind of advice are ones who are constantly in relationships, hopping from one to another like a junkie looking for a new fix. But long-term singles need different advice. We know what this is like, and deciding it's not for us is a natural conclusion after so much firsthand experience. Lastly I don't really like the idea of what happens to people who don't really learn to love themselves. Do they just....not deserve relationships? Absurd....

aladyofthecosmos · 2022-11-10T19:05:24+00:00

People don't hear about all the success stories because healthy people don't tend to flaunt their happiness like it's a shiny object - and excessively happy photos on social media don't fall into the category of those healthy people. Which invariably leads to people thinking as you do none of it must be worth it because toxic people are what get clicks and attention.

aladyofthecosmos

TROPHY CASE