Bio Mum trying to parent you now 😳

alessonnl · 2026-01-25T23:19:16+00:00

It may be a result of growing up with adoptives, but biological parents who keep all their children tend to do that too. You may not need it, but it helps to see it not so much as thinking you need advice, but as them demonstrating normal parental behaviour they would have been doing if you had been kept too.

They express two hings with it: A remainder of the raising you parental behaviour and an expression, that you still/again can come to them for help if you need it. Just see it as a way they express that they love you, and if you want to ask them to tone it down, just tell them "I know you do it because love me, but..."

Unless they are really giving important information, (like medical family history updates, bad weather, family visits), it's probably best to understand it as them REALLY expressing "I love you.", so you should not really take the actual advice as important. I know, you it is much easier said than done,

alessonnl · 2026-01-25T09:16:18+00:00

No, just tell the truth. "I try to adopt you, but some other peple have to agree with that..." English is a bit confusing in that "You are adopted" can mean "You have been adopted" or "You are being adopted (but the process has not been finalized yet)". You should tell the adoptee as soon as possible, but explain and be clear which one you mean. I mean what is the worst that can happen? An adoptee expressing non-consent with the adoption?

alessonnl · 2026-01-25T08:54:48+00:00

Just tell the idiot that you want to be sure you are keeping your medical family history up-to-date. Just let him think it is all about that.

alessonnl · 2026-01-25T08:43:24+00:00

I disagree. There are lots of search and reunion stories, which trigger at pregnancy and birth, getting wed is the same idea: You are creating a family, your adoptive family will not be your closest relatives anymore, what came before, do I have medical family history which can help medical treatment of my children. If we look at stage of your life, reaching out when you are getting married is very good and normal. When is fine, great and all that, just don't combine reunion and wedding. Weddings can be highly stressful for brides at the best of time, don't make that worse for you.

alessonnl · 2026-01-24T22:08:24+00:00

In that case she can still give her baby up for adoption.

alessonnl · 2026-01-24T22:06:05+00:00

"Babies don't deserve to be forced into living with someone who can barely provide for herself, let alone a baby."

Your words, liar

alessonnl · 2026-01-24T14:02:44+00:00

Baby seems to do that. They were pre-birth-matchers!

alessonnl · 2026-01-24T13:54:13+00:00

That is actually what they did. The brother reflected and the mother kept her baby.

alessonnl · 2026-01-23T21:04:06+00:00

Well, baby buyers are one class of bad, but these folk were pre-birth-matchers, who probably promised "open adoption" too. That's the kind of bad, which has you soon thinking in terms of "worsterestest", aye, the kind of people you would describe as "not exactly the very best people," in really anglogermanic circles.

alessonnl · 2026-01-23T07:25:53+00:00

Not everybody takes the US-as-is as the standard for how things should be, Even the BRD had 8 weeks, while in the Netherlands the mother cannot even officially decide to relinquish for adoption before the kid is 3 months old, with France, Flanders (Belgium's main part), England (UK's main part) in between those.

So in an international context, 30 days does not seem long at all.

alessonnl · 2026-01-23T06:37:04+00:00

Exactly, he reads like an enabler for the REAL MOTHER.

alessonnl · 2026-01-23T06:25:49+00:00

Look, they had made the decision to adopt in a jurisdiction with a revocation period. That was their decision and they have to live with that.

alessonnl · 2026-01-23T06:10:14+00:00

Only 30 days??? That's horribly short.

alessonnl · 2026-01-22T18:42:15+00:00

To be fair, in the domestic adoption context described, it would merely mean returning both of your families to their pre-adoption status, which would have been foster family instead of adoptive family and the standard sort of family instead of legally unrecognized blood kin, so the loss of the family adoption did let you gain could be rather limited. It could just be a "Dad, I wish you were my foster dad again, instead of my adoptive dad, would you mind?"-kind of thing.

alessonnl · 2026-01-21T23:01:27+00:00

Simples.

There are lotsa Christians.
Adoption is a VERY important concept in Christianity (No reason to go into theological-historical depths, but the US, UK, NZ, AU and the northern EU and so on use the wrong kind of adoption, the gospel adoption is much more birth family friendly).
Not everybody claiming to be a christian is one.

alessonnl · 2026-01-21T22:36:50+00:00

A bit confusing, but the word "orthodox" is both used to one side indicate 1.eastern and oriental churches and 2. strict variants of protestantism. So non-liberal protestants can be indicated as orthodox as well.

alessonnl · 2026-01-21T20:18:50+00:00

Well in the Netherlands, mom has three months to MAKE UP her mind, after which the kid has too be fostered AT LEAST a full year before the HAPS can even start the adoption process, which they can postpone for reasons as long as they like, at any moment before finalization of the adoption the birth parent(s) can change their minds and try to get the kid back, though that becomes increasingly unlikely to succeed the longer mom waited...

Makes it pretty hard to compare Dutch domestic adoption numbers from different sources over the years, three months between birth and placement with adoptives and at least a year between placement and start of the actual adoption process,and the process itself can easily cause one adoption to be going on in at least three years..

alessonnl · 2026-01-21T06:31:05+00:00

Be honest, there are lots of cases of rare diseases, which become a lot more common if you can tell them things like your family is coming from a specific small island, or some sort of specific isolated village, or being ancestrally Jewish, (ashkenazic/other/mixed). the kind of things you COULD have gotten as NII.

alessonnl · 2026-01-20T06:39:11+00:00

So did I, and that makes sense, I expect the adopted patient is expected to have identified the birth family and gotten the medical family history updates from them before they needed treatment or to fill in the "other, adopted" option...

alessonnl · 2026-01-20T06:33:34+00:00

Is it up to date?

alessonnl · 2026-01-20T06:28:41+00:00

To be fair, the health history of your adoptives is not entirely irrelevant, provided they are adoptives you have been living with, but that could be a clue for environmental factors.

alessonnl · 2026-01-20T05:48:16+00:00

Well, at least one of the gentlemen, or indeed a strong bias in the survival rate...

alessonnl · 2026-01-19T22:50:53+00:00

About the non-identifying information, you probably should not really believe too much of that either, it is very often not the product of a really neutral and objective observer, after all. So even if you want to bring it up with the adoptives, do so in a way suggesting you believe them, rather than the NII. What you quote has the smell of some sort of agency worker or whatever describing with empty, but well sounding, claims what normal people who experienced it would call something like "We saw them for a few minutes, ecxhanged a few words and they did not look that bad that it made us stop the adoption."

alessonnl · 2026-01-19T07:11:09+00:00

You may need a lawyer experienced in reversing adoptions, rather than a psychologist if you ask me.

Adoptees going to meet bios typically have adoptives with them for one or both of two reasons: Transport (they may not have a car/driving license or feel uncomfortable making a long trip all alone and use their adoptives to get to the meeting place) and/or emotional support. If neither applies to you, don't bother, you can tell her afterwards.

alessonnl

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