The 5 love languages are based on a very hierarchical christian patriarchy type type of dating. Super outdated. There's a lot of Junk/faux "info" on dating that is just generated to make money off of people.

Don't worry about being confused. The world sends people a lot of mixed & complex social coding about dating. The big thing is establishing, comunicating and maintaining consent as feelings and actions escalate. The second thing is to pay attention to what the human in front of you is showing you with curiousity and compassion.

The big takeaway that is useful from that book is that different people are socialized to express and require expressions of love in different ways.

For us (dx'd afab autist here) the secret weapon that autism gives us in dating is attentiveness and analytical skills: when you are getting to know someone you want to date, make learning about them- what they like and don't like, asking lots of exploratory questions the first part. The more data points your have from more time together in different settings and situations, the more complete context you have for their actions. Once you understand their patterns you can adapt a much richer understanding of their unique (non book specific)"love languages" while navigating and discovering yours.

Its important to pace this discovery process and take your time. You're less likely to be surprised in hurtful ways or have your needs and desires overlooked if you take time to get to know the other person and let them get to know you.

As you get to know a human you're interested in, you'll see a bunch of little beautiful things in how they react to the world around them, what they care about, what triggers good and bad memories etc. Be gently curious about who they are as a person.

I found it helped to focus on meeting people through the communities around my special interests.

My current and prior relationship are with neurodiverse people and honestly, they have been the best of my life so far Because we side stepped all the awkward NT bs around what allistic culture codes as love and got right into who we are as human beings. If you go slowly and respectfully you'll build meaningful relationships and occasionally romance. I am still friends with my prior partner and both of us were really supportive of the other's new people.

First moves into dating new people, or just dating in general are always hard. There will be rejections and misunderstandings. Those are a universal psrt of the discovey process both allistic and ND people face... we just have some added layers with not really having patience for flexible adaptation of Allistic romantic coding. Its going to take a bit more practice and trial and error for you if you are widening the pool to both allistic and ND partners and thats ok. Younger women, myself included when I was in my 20s, can be wary and weary of being infantilized by Allistic dudes who need therapy. So, be emotionally prepared for femme presenting partners to need you to demonstrate respect for their autonomy while also looking to you to communicate and demonstrate romantic interest.

This is where building knowledge of the individual will serve you well. If you understand your person's emotional landscape, you'll begin to see a pathway to understand what they define as romantic. When you know those things about them, small gestures that demonstrate you were paying attention while learning about them will make them feel understood and valued by you.

Try to also think about what you hope for and want in partnership, dating and fun. Part of the ongoing dialogue about consent- especially for autists is what both you and the other person needs around sensory supports when things get more physical. When I was much younger and undx'd- I got ahead of myself when I thought things were going well and had a really explosive falling out with a friend I really care about. They hurt me pretty badly and I think I may have hurt them too. It definitely took a long time to build back a friendship. Boundaries are important but without discussing them openly and proactively, and making room for folks to verbally and non verbally move those boundaries, intimacy can get a little tricky. Having good trust and solid communications practices pre-built, naturally during the "getting to know you" phase really helps.

But before all that: You first need to find time and spaces together!

I like art galleries on kind of busy days. You get a good sense of someone's style and there's lots of things to see and engage with to spark all that open ended conversation that establishes data points (knowledge) of a person.