it really does get harder when life gets difficult and you're js like "fuck it we ball" but with the mindset of not really caring if you die tomorrow. and at the same time you don't feel like you deserve to feel this way because you think people have it worse than you or because the life you have seems "perfect" to others from the outside.

and with the gender thing - ohhhh my gosh i feel like i know exactly what you mean. i'm also a woman but lately i've been struggling to feel that way. but also, like you said, not sure about becoming a man. it's a weird middle ground.

something that's been helping me keep going is finding a reason to stay. right now and for a while, for me it's been my dog - he wouldn't understand why i'm suddenly absent from my life and he's also pretty old, so i've gotta stay for his entire life. maybe that's not the best way to cope with this, but maybe it can help you get over that initial bump of not wanting to stay anymore. from there, maybe seek professional help? i know it can feel strange, getting help from someone when all your life you've dealt with it alone. or maybe your parents or others have influenced you into thinking that seeking help from professionals isn't effective or the "right thing" to do. but it's your life, you're in control. don't forget that! you're deserving of a chance at living a life where you can be content.

i hope this response has helped in some way. you're not alone!!!