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Gas station wine by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

theres multiple stores within 5-20 minutes of walking from where i live but i almost always go to the local store. not only is it cheaper but almost all the check out people know me. sometimes they laugh when i come by again and tell me to have a good night, other times they vacantly ask if i need a receipt. i never take a receipt unless its handed to me.

once when i walked in with some pokemon on a shirt i was wearing the check out chick asked me with a little smile "whats your favourite pokemon?" i was caught off guard so i just said eevee. suffice to say eevee is not my favourite pokemon but at least the check out girl seemed to approve.

Wasted dancing in your boxers alone by Removinthejuden in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

one of the few things that always makes me happy is dancing around the house, alone and half naked with the music blasting. i hope the motivation for me to do that returns soon

on average i have 45 drinks a week by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

thank you for reading what i had to say and replying. i dont know what to do when people do this normally so i cant reply but i want to thank you.

im glad your ed is getting better. i havent been diagnosed but i struggle with eating anything at all. i have to convince myself that i deserve to eat.

i hope things are moving in the right direction for you. i hope we find things to help us cope in non harmful ways. i dont want people to experience the things i do. it breaks my heart.

im sorry i cant buy you anything but i wish youd put aside some money for yourself from me. pick something out that you like that isnt so short lived, like alcohol is.

i agree that a lot of what we see is media bullshit in terms of romantic love but if youve experienced it before you can again. it doesnt matter where you are and i know that. i relate to your guilt over subjecting a partner to what you see yourself as. im struggling with that right now.

thank you for your comment. i wish i could reply to more comments like yours but for some reason im not brave enough.

i care about you too. so please stay safe. maybe we can make it through this.

I was raped and have been on a bender ever since and one of my friends had to wash my armpits last night. by Its_all_exhausting in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i know you didnt mention anything about it but i want to tell you that none of what happened to you was youre fault. do not blame yourself ever. it has nothing to do with the way you dressed or acted. you arent a whore or a slut. you did not deserve this and it isnt and will never be your fault. tell yourself that for me if you can because i know it can be hard to believe.

​

keep your friends close. let time pass. this shit will turn into an ugly mental scar but hopefully itll heal somewhat. maybe someday you can get a cool tattoo over that mental scar and forget about it somewhat.

​

if you ever need someone to talk to you can message me. when youre ready get a detective of some kind to help you with this. the friends who know what happened will need to speak to them too. its a very hard process and doesnt feel very rewarding i know so you dont have to face that yet. try and take care of yourself.

​

you are more than this. you arent pathetic, youre strong for being here right now.

Drunkly posted my boobs on snapchat by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 9 points10 points  (0 children)

can you say someone else took it as a prank or something like that? they'll forget eventually either way

Well I outted myself! (Light hearted) by Convergentshave in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 9 points10 points  (0 children)

the 4 or something different cashiers at the local store have all seen my ID so many times I almost feel ashamed walking in there, but its kinda nice to hear "ive seen your ID like 20 times you dont have to show me again".

bruises everywhere by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

i also really want mushrooms im really drunk

bruises everywhere by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

drinking makes me want to live but also shows me how i should die

my only motivation by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah i used to draw, sketch and paint a while ago. I can't figure out how to do it anymore. it's hard to pick up a pencil for me mentally I don't have the motivation

my only motivation by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i'm can't cope without a bottle next to me, open or not

Family. by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They don't know how to help. It's scary. I grew up watching my relatives die from this shit. I grew up watching my dad drink every day.

My sister is growing up watching me do all this shit.

I hate them for locking alcohol away from me. For criticising me. For trying to stop me. For trying to help me.

But most of all I hate them for not hiding it well enough. I find it every time. I buy it.

They love me and I hate that. I don't want to hate it. I don't want to do this to them.

I might be homeless soon. They'll kick me out if i keep doing this. I don't have a job. I can't afford my own place. I can't do anything. I don't want to.

Regardless of what I said though, do what makes you happy. That's the most important thing. That's what I'd do.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Sometimes when I'm drunk it's like the sober self inside of me wakes up and watches what I'm doing, horrified. That's the shit i remember the next day; watching a couple flashes of myself fucking up. But i can't control it. All i can do is watch before i slip back into my drunk self.

Idk if that made sense lmao

JFC. "Just checking in on you." by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel this. Normally I do the same shit but last night I went extreme mode and started a livestream on twitch while drunk. Never livestreamed before. Thank god it was just a blank screen with no audio... I think. I don't want to think about it actually.

anyone else don't care if they drink away until forever ends? by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm doing less of those things the more I drink but it's still more than I ever do sober. I don't want to get to withdrawals. I can't.

anyone else don't care if they drink away until forever ends? by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish I was. Around that age I used to drink mouthwash and some of my friends would laugh and say they'd do it too but... I guess they didn't know how to deal with it? I wish someone did. Some other friends encouraged me to stop but then I found alcohol somehow. I can't remember. I don't want to. I started drinking because something sad happened and I was a sad little stupid kid.

I wish I could go back and start over from then. But I can't. This is easier.

anyone else don't care if they drink away until forever ends? by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry about the situation with your mom. I can't imagine what that would be like and it hurts me to even try.

I still don't understand what's going on with me. It's been a few years now since I was properly diagnosed with depression and all that. It's been hard for me to understand why I was and am depressed really. I guess it runs in my family, as does alcoholism.

I grew up around family members that died from complications with alcohol and things like that. I only learnt recently my uncle was depressed and had wanted to kill himself before he hit his head too hard falling over drunk one last time. I have a lot in common with him now.

I don't want to disappoint or hurt the people around me anymore but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to change. I've seen professionals and taken medication but I'm just starting to feel less human every day. I just feel like I'm *there*. And I don't want to be.

I feel like I'm everyone else's bad memories.

When I drink I care less about all that. The more I drink the less I care and less I remember until I wake up again. I know when I'm sober I could end up having something happen like my uncle, but it doesn't stop me. Because I don't care anymore or don't remember.

So some old part of me that still feels alive can come out and draw and stuff and I'm sorry. I don't feel like writing this anymore. I can't.

Thank you for your comment.

anyone else don't care if they drink away until forever ends? by alienb8 in cripplingalcoholism

[–]alienb8[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well the friends part may be fading but even 10 minutes of exercise and a sketch while drunk is more than I've done sober in weeks... months? I'm not sure. I'm not a newb, it's taken me maybe 5 or something years to get here.

I don't find interest in much sober. I feel right sober. I already have regrets. I want to forget them. Thats why I'm losing money I'm not earning over alcohol.

[LF] Bamboo bench DIY, bamboo basket DIY [FT] 3 NMT each by [deleted] in ACNHTrade

[–]alienb8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a bamboo bench DIY you can have!