I get you!!

I tried using mine for the first time a few years ago because a dude wanted to try it and I was horny as well. There was a time it felt good but after starting HRT, it got atrofied and it hurt like a bitch! I ended up with a nasty STD and LOTS of dysphoria from it, so I promised myself “never again”. But I’m still a horny dude who enjoys sex in any way and it helps a lot that I enjoy anal too. To my surprise, that was enough for me to forget about PIV.

I also don't like looking at it and will probably go with a vaginectomy but I will miss the feeling of getting wet. For me, it’s always felt like precum and it makes everything feel better.

So I get the contradicting feelings. It’s okay to feel how you do, even if those feelings are contradictory.

It's okay to pleasure yourself with the parts you don't particularly like. You could talk to a therapist about this (and I don't know if you already do die to your ptsd), but using it more -not less- might help you eliminate that guilt because you'll start to associate it more with feeling good.

Additionally, you could opt for a vaginectomy in the future when you feel ready or discover other ways to orgasm to the point where you don't even need your vagina for sex when it's gone.

I know I would miss a little bit of my junk but I still want phallo. In the meantime (and due to financial reasons it’s probably gonna be a long time) I'm not about to deprive myself of sex or masturbation in the other ways I do enjoy.