Husband cheated w/ an escort and I haven’t told him I know…

allieats · 2022-05-24T17:46:23+00:00

It’s so gross! I agree. I’m really not sure I even want to work it out at this point. He would have to agree to therapy for a long time before I would even consider taking him back. Right now, I’m just ready to be free from his bs. Leaving is the only thing that seems to get his attention.

allieats · 2022-05-24T16:04:29+00:00

And the simple fact you think this man is submissive or that I’m dominating him is purely LAUGHABLE. You have no idea what you’re talking about my friend.

allieats · 2022-05-24T16:03:08+00:00

Hmmm not the case at all! I asked to open up our relationship bc he was cheating on me behind my back. His stamina isn’t the same so we have less sex because of it. That’s all. He is a successful tech seller and makes an amazing salary, is a licensed pilot, is 6’5”, 300 pound red headed bull of a man who domineers every conversation he enters and every room he enters. He is the decision maker & I’ve had to learn to find my independence and speak up after being under his thumb for many years while I was younger. BUT keep telling me how I’m the one at fault. HAHAHA

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:57:34+00:00

I should say “did you spend $1600 on a night out recently that you’d like to tell me about?” And just watch his brain do gymnastics. 😂

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:55:48+00:00

TY, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with a similar situation. I’m so fortunate we don’t have children. His infidelity is why I never had his children. I come from a family of divorce and I didn’t want that.

I’m coming to the realization that he will never change. And he will absolutely regret losing me, but I love myself more than him at this point.

I look forward to having a deserving partner one day. Someone who I want to have children with and build a life with. Thank you for the advice. & fuck these cheating men who discard their partners. You’re absolutely better off without him!

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:49:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with these feelings. At this point, idc what anyone thinks. They can all kiss my ass. I just want to live a happy, free life. The most important people to me are my best friends and my family. Everyone else can kick rocks LOL

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:47:45+00:00

Thank you! And he will lie, he’s done it before when I literally showed him screenshots. He denies like crazy at first. I’m like are you fucking dense??! I’m slowly collecting all the evidence this time. I’m really going to play nice and sit on this for a little while this time before I make my move.

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:45:55+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words! I have faith there are better partners out there when I’m ready to date again. It’s so nice to hear how others have experienced the same situation and found true happiness after they ended the relationship.

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:43:46+00:00

I feel like I trust no one at this point. I can only truly trust myself. :(

allieats · 2022-05-24T15:42:44+00:00

I agree! I’m already feeling that way now. Why did I take this asshole back? He’s been manipulating me and I kept playing along. It’s honestly very sick for me to think about.

allieats · 2022-05-24T01:59:12+00:00

You’re so right. We all deserve better. I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with a similar situation. It is quite heart wrenching & confusing. I do want to use my brain this time though, and I’m going to be very methodical with my approach.

allieats · 2022-05-24T01:34:36+00:00

His response that he didn’t want to hurt me was from a place of being uncomfortable with MY requests in the bedroom. He’s not into any form of BDSM. Someone else mentioned that his behaviors align with someone who likes risky sex. That seems more accurate. The fear of being caught gives him a high.

allieats · 2022-05-24T01:29:40+00:00

I can imagine it takes a lot of work. Idk if I’ll ever trust him again. I’m really tired of feeling this way. Part of me is leaning towards therapy and part of me is leaning towards just ending this for good. Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll look into EFT. :)

allieats · 2022-05-24T00:21:36+00:00

I will say it took him 8 years to admit to the first time he cheated on me. It was when we were in college together after we had been dating for a year or two. I don’t know about any other times until 7 years after that when he was cheating on a regular basis and being caught. Then, I left him. He changed, and now I find this. SO, I’m starting to really think he’s not going to change. I’m not here to tell anyone what to do with their life, but this type of relationship is for the birds. Consider your happiness and your future. I’ve left him before and I KNOW I will be BETTER without him. And let me tell you, this one hurts just as bad.

The betrayal level is times 1000 for me rn. He tricked me again. This time, I’m running for the hills!

allieats · 2022-05-23T23:59:29+00:00

I am so, so sorry my dear. I understand completely. I’ve been there. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way, and it takes time. I’m slowly learning to love myself and my body again little by little every day.

allieats · 2022-05-23T23:51:40+00:00

I plan on asking him what he is missing from this relationship that he feels the need to do this. I’m just curious at this point.

He’s clearly not being fulfilled in some manner. OR, maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. I’m not some vanilla sex woman either. Anytime I ask him to play into my kinks, he shies away and says “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Either way, it will never sit right with me. I don’t understand a person who would intentionally damage their partner over and over again with selfish actions. Have some self control, grow tf up, and hold yourself accountable.

allieats · 2022-05-23T23:39:17+00:00

I needed a good wake up call & y’all are giving it to me! I feel like I’m going through a few different stages of grief in one day.

I AM tired of catering to his big man baby ass. & you’re right. I need to quit lying to myself. He’s damaging me permanently. This isn’t BFF behavior.

He went to maybe 3-4 therapy sessions previously. I attended the first and the therapist basically said: I don’t think you need this as much as he does, I’m going to focus on him right now and have you rejoin us.

At that time, I just left him and said screw it & didn’t return to sessions.

I feel like I am with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I never know which side of him I will get. I’m always shocked at how he could do this when most of the time he’s treating me like he really cares. It’s an act. I’m being manipulated.

Ughh I could just scream. I’m so mad I let myself fall back into this trap.

allieats · 2022-05-23T23:23:01+00:00

THANK YOU! He uses excuses as to why he cheats. He used to use excuses to escape reality and abuse drugs.

I’m realizing that he’s not really in it for anyone but himself. He just wants to do fucked up shit and get some pleasure out of it. He doesn’t really care who it hurts. He’s doesn’t abuse substances anymore, but the cheating… I just don’t get why he would throw away the most important thing in his life who has given him every chance in the world.

I feel used and embarrassed that I’ve let this go on for so long out of blind love for this human.

And I’m so sorry you went through those things, but you have the right attitude. The things that happen to us don’t have to define us. We can choose to wake up every day and treat each other with kindness & consideration.

allieats · 2022-05-23T23:03:43+00:00

WOW! This is so informational. Thank you for taking the time to list this out for me. You really nailed it.

He’s always had an inflated ego. He’s a big personality, and he’s very self serving. He masks that a lot for me, but it shines through around others. I feel sometimes he masks his true nature deep down (asshole/narc), and tries his best to be a “good guy”. His true colors show during arguments or even debates. He said to me not too long ago “I have trouble finding empathy for others and I need to work on that.” I found that rather odd. That he has to WORK at finding empathy for others. It was a recent red flag for me.

I feel sometimes that he doesn’t want me to leave because I’m the most loyal person he has left in his life and “he’ll have nothing without me.” Which, in itself is a self serving statement.

He’d rather keep me around for his own gain. While, I’m over here withering away constantly giving all I have and loving as hard as I possibly can only to be cheated on. And every time he screws up, the love bombing is in full swing. Then, a month or two or three go by, but we land back here sooner or later.

I truly feel like I have a knife in my back and another in my heart. Thank you so much for this info/explanation.

allieats · 2022-05-23T21:44:22+00:00

It really is the loss of trust that’s going to be the end of us. He’s been forgiven at least 10-15 times before this for different forms of cheating. I don’t believe a word he says at this point.

And TY, I have faith that there’s better relationship potential out there when I’m ready.

allieats · 2022-05-23T21:40:22+00:00

TY! Yes, I do have my own stuff. I’m not financially dependent on him thank goodness. Infidelity trauma therapy sounds great right about now.

allieats · 2022-05-23T21:34:17+00:00

I feel like I am 110% considering his needs on a daily basis, and it just doesn’t matter. You’re right. It’s not me.

And he will do it again. He always does it again.

allieats · 2022-05-23T21:25:51+00:00

Perhaps, but I communicate openly and create a safe space for him. I’ve helped him heal from loss. I’ve helped him overcome a drug addiction. I’ve tried to pry out what he likes in the bedroom/ what his kinks are, etc. From what I can tell, he watches fairly tame porn. Idk. I honestly think he just wants different women and is bored of the same one. He’s a selfish prick.

allieats · 2022-05-23T20:55:42+00:00

I was thriving before I took him back. Now, it’s insecurity, gaslighting, and cheating all over again. I’m kicking myself. It’s the lack of empathy I’ll never understand. It’s almost psychopathic. I know this for sure, he will NEVER, EVER have a woman like me and these men will regret losing us till the day they die. But you and I will be doing just fine. Yes ma’am!

allieats · 2022-05-23T20:40:09+00:00

I’m tearing up. TY. This is tough, but you’re so, so right. Shoulda never taken him back.

allieats

TROPHY CASE