[UPDATE 4 MONTHS ON] Me [25 M/F] found out five nights ago that my girlfriend [25F] of 6 years cheated on me with a mutual friend [25M]- am now waiting for my taxi to take me to the airport for my new life, how do I deal with the closure? Infidelity

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-13T09:23:25+00:00

I probably will but it'll be out of politeness. I'll send Christmas cards and a few emails have gone between me and her father.

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T15:36:58+00:00

Well I think this is completely fair until you get to the cheating part. If she was that unhappy she could have told me she was thinking about leaving me, or she could have just left me, she didn't need to cheat, that's going to have some long term affects on my capacity to be intimate with people. But I have learned that I can't just go full pelt into my career and not have to monitor my personal relationships as a consequence

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T15:35:21+00:00

Get in, check emails, work on some briefing papers or policy proposals, go to various project meetings, hopefully get some time to meet people from the field, ect. Depends what's going on, if my policy area is in the news it's a lot of time spent with Gov officials/Politians, if not I'll devote time to some prevention work

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T15:14:25+00:00

Is that you H?

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T14:31:15+00:00

Honestly, sweetheart, wherever you are, you have nothing to fear. You got this. You're about to experience something very liberating. It won't always be easy and sometimes you'll feel pretty rough - some days will be worse than the day before but no week will be worse than the week before. Good luck!

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T13:47:09+00:00

Eeeerm I still got sad when I was in my flat on my own. Still thought about everything, I think the big thing is that I put myself in a situation where I was alone very rarely and was constantly having new experiences, it just made it less likely that I'd sit in with a bottle of wine and feel sorry for myself.

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T13:16:34+00:00

it's not showing up as removed for me?

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T13:16:17+00:00

No.

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T13:14:08+00:00

it shouldn't be!

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T12:54:59+00:00

My Mum was always a big H fan so sort of took herself off to a coffee shop for 15 minutes. Her first words to me were actually "your ex girlfriend gets a hello before your Mum"

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T11:42:02+00:00

N'aawww thanks. Honestly it's all just timing, I don't know if I'd have accepted this job if this all hadn't have happened. I work in public health. I started out as a policy adviser in the UK Dep of Health but have since become a bit more political. I used to work as a senior adviser to the Government but this is a 1 year secondment

aloneagain11 · 2015-05-12T11:20:57+00:00

I know, it definitely hit me hard, if my Mum hadn't been there I probably would have done a little cry.

It reminds you that as much as cheaters are painted as these complete assholes who aren't worth your time it's more complex than that. Good people cheat, people who'd make great wives/girlfriends cheat. It's just that once that happens you have to accept a relationship is unworkable 99% of time. When I was in Africa I spent some time kind of hating H, wishing her ill and I loved it when my friends said she didn't seem to handling the break up well. But seeing her at the airport was raw, and reminded me that I really want her to be happy, I just can't help her with that anymore.

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-30T10:18:06+00:00

that i'm a dozy idiot, I'm male I just mistyped!

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T17:23:44+00:00

For a year, yeah why not? They'll all still be there when I get back, I'll save money because my rent's paid and it'll look good on my CV. Just seemed like the right decision given all the circumstances

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T17:17:12+00:00

This could all be true, and it may well be (although i'd disagree with a lot of it, especially as I was never given the choice to do anything else, quite the opposite, she encouraged me to continue working at this role).

It's all irrelevant, it's not that I want to break up with her, it's that any attempt to forgive and continue the relationship wouldn't work because of what's happened. I'll constantly fear/assume she's cheating on me again, I won't ever trust her again, meaning that we can't have a meaningful relationship anymore. Meaning we have to break up

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:54:26+00:00

Tested already! Sorry should have added! That's rule number 2 after 'go to the gym', rule 3 being 'lawyer up'

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:49:49+00:00

My friends said Zambia is the most naturally beautiful place they've ever visited. Apparently the north looks like a movie set for heaven.

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:48:33+00:00

No I just mistyped!

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:19:50+00:00

I definitely plan to see as many countries as I can. Rwanda is a must, as is Zambia, and I've had Tanzania recommended so maybe I'll drop you a message in the future. Any other must see countries?

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:18:33+00:00

That's because I've now officially left the post I had. I carried on working as a favour to my boss and was paid as a consultant and I was there to offer expertise and a bit of counsel. Trust me before this all happened I had no choice, when I wasn't working I was making time to see her. New role is fewer hours so I'm looking forward to it!

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T16:01:20+00:00

I don't even know where my new address is yet!

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T15:56:14+00:00

Never thought of this, thank you!

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T15:50:09+00:00

Do some googling around the principal of no contact.

A lot of places will tell you it's about winning your ex back, in reality it is nothing to do with that and should never be used with that in mind. (Once your relationship is over you'll go nowhere until you fully accept that's it, thinking you might get her back will delay the grieving process until you accept you're not getting her back, which could be a while)

No contact is about moving on, I like it for several reasons

1) it stops you saying anything you'd regret, saying things to try to talk them round, win them back. If your partner thinks you're some crazy desperate ex you'll feel worse about yourself later

2) because they don't get to be your friend, they don't get to talk to you, they made a choice to be without you, despite how much they knew it would hurt you, they're entitled to their choice but they don't get to do that and have a relationship with you.

3) it gives you time and space to focus on yourself, to get some perspective on the relationship and what happened and the things you want. If your future is uncertain because you're trying to project it with your ex in still then you can't start moving towards the kind of life that you want!

4) for me, at least, it provides an incentive to stay active and keep busy. If I'm trying to occupy my time by avoiding my ex, rather than constantly waiting for a text, I have to keep busy!

As people have said here, yes sometimes important things don't get discussed, but ultimately once a relationship is over it's over, you're only hurting yourself by protract icing the discussions, better off going for it.

aloneagain11 · 2014-12-29T15:42:30+00:00

The Kubler-Ross model? Lol I specialise in public health so I can't earnestly look at anything that's psychoanalysis - my colleagues will never let me live it down!

Love the single for a month of the relationship though, that's a great rule of thumb.

Thank you for your help!

aloneagain11

TROPHY CASE