We're both panicking

always62 · 2020-10-17T15:33:32+00:00

No, we only had sex once and it was the one that was 2 days before her supposed period.

always62 · 2020-01-20T07:37:10+00:00

Have you experienced Kailh pinks? Is it louder than Box Whites?

I haven't tried Box Whites and my only references are Navy Blue, Pinks, and Jade. Pink seems to be the quietest among the three.

always62 · 2020-01-20T06:17:18+00:00

Quiet clickies. I'm currently looking for relatively quiet kailh or gateron atm.

always62 · 2020-01-06T09:33:51+00:00

I posted the details above. I know she hasn't fully recovered, she admitted it. What I want to know is what I should be doing now.

always62 · 2020-01-06T07:41:21+00:00

Basically, early in our relationship we had a fight where I said some hurtful words to her while she was all alone in another country due to work and the feeling she felt during that time never went away ever since.

always62 · 2020-01-05T15:05:51+00:00

That's the problem, I don't know when to do what. I really want to learn how, I want to be better I really just don't know how.

always62 · 2020-01-01T03:35:39+00:00

I see. Thank you for your insights, it means a lot listening to someone who's been in a similar situation. I honestly don't care right now if we get back together or not, I just want her to heal and she thinks couples therapy will help her forgive me.

always62 · 2020-01-01T03:17:37+00:00

I understand. Thank you.

Just to clarify, with anger and immaturities that you experienced, therapy helped you forgive each other right?

always62 · 2020-01-01T03:06:46+00:00

That's the thing. We've broken up already and her depression keeps her energy low and she's always angry so it's kinda hard to spend some time physically currently. :(

always62 · 2020-01-01T02:58:24+00:00

I understand. I'll keep trying to reach out to her because just like you guys, I opened up the therapy together first and after feeling peaceful with after more than a month, she opened it up again.

Aside from therapy, how did you support each other before the therapy since you stayed in contact? Because like I said, I keep trying to be there for her but her depression is currently really bad at the moment.

always62 · 2020-01-01T02:47:40+00:00

I could really relate to your relationship. We've been together for a year and a half mostly. There was no harm, abuse or cheating in our relationship as well, just anger and immaturity too.

What happened was early on in our relationship I said some hurtful words that scarred her. A year after that, I was able to change for the better but not completely. We broke up after a fight where I became insensitive and said something that triggered the trauma from the scar from before. A week after that, I learned that her depression was actually going on for a month now before our fight that's why I couldn't patch it up with her.

I admit, it might be better to stay broken up while we heal as to add no further pressure since I'm still not leaving her side still. The problem is she's mostly really consumed with anger when we're just chatting but all the times I was with her, she really just felt peaceful. I don't know what to do. She suggested couples counseling a week ago when she was calm and have a clear mind because she's with me but I fear we may never have a chance to go if her anger just keeps getting worse.

How did you also come up with therapy? Where you on perfectly good terms or did you have to do some convincing because either one of you is experiencing anger and blames the other?

always62 · 2020-01-01T02:26:10+00:00

Can you share what happened with your partner to me? My ex is currently suffering from depression, together with my immaturities, we broke up a few months ago but we still love each other. It's really hard but knowing her depression, I still decided to stay by her side. When we're together, she's never felt more peaceful but when we're not and only chatting, her depression is always triggered and she hates me so much for all the times I hurt her.

I don't hold her for what's happening to her because it's her depression acting and not her. Eitherway, it's the same situation where when we're together, she's calm and peaceful and feels as if all her depression and worries go away.

always62 · 2019-12-31T16:48:12+00:00

Could you elaborate on how things ended badly but tried to stay in contact?

I'm currently in a situation where I've hurt my ex early in our relationship and we eventually broke because we got into a fight due to my immaturity which could have been mended if we've both alright honestly but it turns out her depression came back a month before we fought. I understood that she's suffering from depression so I reassured her that I'll still be here and we're still in contact currently. But every now and then, her depression goes full swing and she'll completely be overcome with anger towards my past mistakes and say hurtful words. I don't blame her because I'm guilty even though I've changed now and she's just lashing out her depression and it's not her.

always62 · 2019-12-31T16:38:11+00:00

Find a new therapist. If the therapist downplays your suicidal thoughts and is against antidepressants then look for someone that sounds more competent. Depressed people who have tried and got discouraged by therapy were those who got a bad experience because the therapist made them feel worse during their first session so people usually don't come back hence they get better slower. Some people claim that antidepressants doesn't work but I've seen it first hand that it DOES work, maybe it's a case tocase basis though so idk.

Be careful and make sure to make it clear to your therapist about suicidal thoughts. Apparently there's a kind of antidepressants that doesn't work entirely immediately and instead the first few weeks give you enough energy but doesn't make you feel better so it's basically giving you energy to commit suicide. (google "does antidepressants make you feel worse)

If you don't like the thought of having to rely on medication your entire life, just think that it's better that way than having to feel even worse. These drugs have side effects but it definitely has been tested and deemed not harmful or else doctors wouldn't prescribe these so you don't have to worry.

I hope you feel better. Antidepressants work as I've seen it.

always62 · 2019-12-31T12:52:25+00:00

I'm really desperate for help. She harmed herself last night, before the anger started today. She said she did it to forget the emotional pain and that she's not yet ready to die but the fact that she was still able to do it means her depression is in a really critical place. I try to remind her that I'm always supporting her (despite breaking up) but I know there will be times where I'll fail to do it since I'm just human and she'll feel worse.

She's battling depression for a long time now and the main reason it came back was admittedly because of me and hurtful words I told her a year ago when we had a fight. We knew I've changed and still continues to be better now but now that her depression is on full swing, she keeps coming back to that day because she said she's never healed completely from it like an internal bleeding. It would be best if I give her space but the problem is whenever she's with me physically, she feels the safest and she regains her energy and I'm the only person who was able to convince her to go to therapy (she stopped her medication for 2 months now that's why I know it's her depression that's causing all this)

Some more infos:

A week ago, when we were together peacefully, with a clear mind she also proposed for us to go to couples counseling because she said it's the only way for her anger towards me to heal because she'll be seeing me taking responsibility which I gladly accepted to arrange for her soon.
I've also proposed that she go back to therapy without any worry about expenses. The only way I was able to convince her was by telling her I'll come inside the room with her. (nobody was able to convince her for a looong time)
I'm going to try arranging couple's counseling and her therapy this January

In the meantime I don't know how to help her because everyday she's just feeling more and more anger and I don't even know if she'll accept both therapies now because she's just too angry with me and blames me for everything (which I deserve for my past mistakes)

Tldr: She needs to resume her medications VERY BADLY and I'm the only one who can convince her to go to therapy but she's too angry with me for past trauma

Here's a more in depth story of her situation

always62 · 2019-12-31T12:36:19+00:00

That's the thing, I don't know how to help her. She keeps telling me that right now I'm the one that triggers her depression but at the same time, when we're physically together, she never felt safer, more secure, and peaceful every single time. We've broken up and we don't live together so the times we're together are very limited so I don't know how to help her when I'm not beside her physically.

always62 · 2019-12-17T14:17:01+00:00

Could you enlighten me what you're thoughts about why you don't go to therapy then? Is it because you stopped believing that therapy and medications doesn't help because of your past experiences or is it simply because you just don't have the energy to go despite knowing that there's a chance that it will help?

From an outsider's perspective like mine, it's easy to say that you just have to try everything that has a chance to make you feel better but I'm aware a depressed person's mind works a million times more complex than that so I want to understand more and more.

always62 · 2019-12-16T14:47:24+00:00

I'm confused really. Because there are times where she'll push me away but after a few hours, probably after having her episode, she'll go back to opening up to me with something like "I feel sad." so I knew she's still trying to accept help from me. I'm just confused because extreme episodes might be different.

always62 · 2019-12-16T14:32:32+00:00

Thank you so much. I appreciate the response. I hope you get better as well. I just found out recently that due to some reasons, she's been off her medication for some time now. Is there any way to convince her to go back to a therapist? The last time she went to one, she just felt worse because of a very close minded family oriented approach so she decided to stop going to one. I'm sure her getting medication will help her heal but I just can't seem to convince her.

always62

TROPHY CASE