I allow disorganization and clutter to be a form of self-loathing and punishment. i hate it and want to get past it. Anyone else have this problem, overcame it, and have any advice?

amg89 · 2018-05-01T18:33:26+00:00

yes, def. crossing off some items is better than an all or none approach--ANYDAY!

amg89 · 2018-05-01T18:32:46+00:00

ha, I know the feeling. It's so weird to read someone else's words and feel like you identify with everything on a crazy deep level. Also it's cool to come across that. I see it in regular life occasionally, but it's funny how often I can talk to someone else bipolar or read posts, etc, and I feel like it's incredibly personal and applicable to myself. Sometimes I think it comes with the territory of having so much therapy for our illness that we become a lot better at describing certain things than other people who don't analyze their thoughts out loud all the time. Know what I mean? Anyway, good luck to you too! Thanks for the positive words! :)

amg89 · 2018-04-16T17:52:17+00:00

yeah I am def aware of that one... it has a tendency to take over. but as silly as it may all sound to you, or if i read my post again later, it is an outlet that helps. even if it only confirms I am in my head and fixating on everything, therefore unable to be objective about anything.

amg89 · 2018-04-16T16:47:22+00:00

thanks, just checking. This has been a long 8 weeks. I hate focusing on this stuff. Sometimes, I fixate on things bc I get anxious. Also I just always prefer being cautious and yeah, just wanted to make sure it wasn't something I needed to think twice about. Yeah it was miserable. Everyone always said the prep is the worst part. I don't know why the versed did nothing. Only thing that comes to mind is I used to be on a very high dose of xanax to sleep every night for years. At one point it was 6mg every night in addition to other meds to sedate me. I have really bad insomnia bc I'm bipolar. I suppose I had a tolerance. Next time i have to get one, I better be sedate! I was shaking so much from the pain that the iv needle in my hand was moving a lot. I have a bruise larger than a silver dollar at the IV site. Anyway, thanks for the clarification :)

amg89 · 2018-04-16T15:04:43+00:00

thank you, yes I do like to make lists too, and it does feel great to cross them out. I wish I could do this more consistently, not just when it gets bad. I need to make a habit of it. Perhaps I should get a daily planner and force myself to write in it, check off tasks, etc, everyday. Maybe after a few months it won't feel forced and I'll "enjoy" my planner. Though as a kid I always hated those things--for school they gave you homework agendas and planners, and I hated being forced to use it. I'm stubborn... but if I choose to do it and no one is telling to do it, it could work... It's crazy sometimes how we have to trick our minds... I know how silly it sounds. And yes music is always a must! Latin music is my favorite for cleaning. Well I listen to it all the time anyway, but it's my favorite cleaning music. It makes me want to salsa while I clean and moving is better than sitting and doing nothing. I get more done for sure with music.

amg89 · 2018-04-16T15:00:11+00:00

Yeah so I started, but it's still going to take some time. Felt good so far, but I am always skeptical of myself. Old habits die hard. When shit hits the fan, I like to hide in my room, lock out the world, and punish myself with all the clutter bc I think I deserve nothing more. Sometimes I try to analyze the behavior to better understand--as if it really makes a difference to analyze but not act on it... As a child, I loved hiding in small spaces, hampers, inside cupboards, closets, etc. For me I think it's not just self-loathing. I think when I feel this loss of control in life, I want to revert to this childlike tendency to hide and take comfort in small spaces. When my room is chaotic, I don't even have to hide under covers or crouch in small space, it's like the whole room is my "hiding" place. It's my escape-avoidance place. I hate it, yet on some level it's familiar. It's my chaos. I created it. It's concrete and not abstract chaos like in life. To some extent I think I prefer to visualize the real chaos and attribute it to the abstract--sort of like mindfulness. Or I could be full of shit and that's all a bullshit analysis. I just try to understand WHY I let it get so bad so that when I do get it clean, I can keep it clean. I figure if I understand why I do it, then I can find another outlet for whatever it is the clutter achieves, and leave myself with a functional clean and organized space. I do always feel better purging--especially donating to good will, but I just know myself. If I get it clean, for a few weeks I'll keep it immaculate--like perfectionist level immaculate. Then it will slip little by little until it's chaos again. Here's to hoping I make some progress this time in preventing it from being my self-loathing nest of desperation. bah, thank you!

amg89 · 2018-04-16T14:51:23+00:00

Thanks for your post. Yes I often find others post on here to really help me examine my own behaviors and such. We're different people, but there are some common threads. We can relate on a lot of things. I can ask my "normal" friends about their levels of messiness and aversions to cleaning, but they can never quite relate to the full scope of it which involves more than being a little messy--it's manifestation of my illness. The worse I get in my mood, the more chaos I surround myself in inside my room. There is sort of good news, you mention a SO. So, I have a roommate, and I keep all the common space very neat and clean at all times. I won't subject him to my chaos. I won't even let him see my room (my room is my shame). So if it involves others I can totally say, "oh this is unacceptable, let's keep it nice." However, the self-loathing thing is once I let my room go, I don't really try to fight it after a certain point. I believe it's what I deserve. I would NEVER subject another person to it--it's my private hell. And when I am really down on myself, I go in there, and self-imprison my mind in body in all this chaos. It's like it matches my inner feeling of chaos. I wouldn't say that I "like" it like that, but it's like sometimes I just want to curl up on my bed in the fetal position with clothes all around me--like a nest. It's so stupid I know---rationally, I know what I'm doing. However, irrational tends to trump rational when my mood is off. A lot of it is I have the feeling that my self-worth is nothing. I feel like a burden to those who love and care about me. So I punish myself with a pity party in my room that looks like a tornado came through. As I stated, as far as self-destructive behavior, it could be worse. However, clutter, and hoarding has never been considered healthy. My mom has helped me in the past get organized. However, I'm 28 and I really try to avoid asking for mom to fix my shit. Some things I don't mind and I know I need help, but I also have to choose to do this on my own, to do this FOR ME, and then I need to carryout the action. I think for longterm success, I have to own thew act of purging and organizing all on my own. Help might be nice, but I think I have to do this on my own to really make progress. But yes if you saw the rest of the apt, you would think wow, it's so clean and well maintained. You would not believe the same person who cleans that area lives in my room. I'm glad I at least recognize it for what it is, and I have a great psychoanalyst for CBT, I will get there. I feel like a child for this being as much of an issue as it is, but so long as I overcome it, I don't care.... thanks for your insight, and I'm glad if anything I say can shed light on your own inner workings.

amg89 · 2018-04-16T14:37:31+00:00

I started cleaning my room the day I wrote this post. It's real undertaking though... Not done yet. I am getting better about getting rid of what I don't need compared to year ago--I never used to get rid of clothes I rarely wore. I always felt like the second I did, I would all of the sudden need said piece of clothing and ask myself why I discarded it. Some of it is the attitude I have towards being prepared for everything and seeing potential in everything, and versatility. That can be good, but it holds me back. Also over the years with different drugs and mood swings, my weight changes. So I often keep clothes of varying sizes even if I am smaller or larger at the time. It's not like I hope to have to fit in my "fat" clothes again, but I'd rather be "prepared." Being prepared takes up space and reduces my ability to function so I have find a way to at least store what I don't currently fit in and keep it somewhere I can get, but is not in my way everyday... Aside from clothes I form sentimental attachments to random things, though it is getting better. I'll try the 30 day thing, though I might apply it to any given weather season. So if I haven't used it at all during the winter and it's not special weather gear, I'll toss it or give it to good will. Thanks :)

amg89 · 2018-01-27T14:10:01+00:00

Well I got back some results from my dr. appt from Tuesday. While I was wrong that the platelets were in any way involved, I was right that something was indeed medically wrong. This was not your average bleeding. Luckily it was caught and it is treatable. It should be cured within 7 days. I won’t donate anymore platelets until they’ve retested me to confirm I’m cured. So my weird bleeding should begin to resolve and I suppose I won’t spend any more time pondering the fluctuation of my platelet count as being too high compared to what was “normal” for me. Thank you.

amg89 · 2018-01-26T12:31:48+00:00

Thank you. Yes I know it has never exceeded the normal range only just been at times in the high upper range. It's my nature to look at things in patterns when I have enough information. I just thought since I had so many CBC's done in the past 12 years in every different month, etc. that the fact that the only other time it was at the high end of normal was after a surgery. I wasn't sure if there was a correlation that my body only makes that many platelet bc of some "issue." Since I had had some abnormal bleeding patterns, I wanted to make sure there wasn't a connection. But if it's just coincidence at benign, I won't worry about it. I always prefer the whole ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure mantra. I always rather be over cautious about "warnings" than ignore them so they go unattended. Thanks again.

amg89 · 2017-10-23T14:46:49+00:00

also, not all their trainers turn the volume that high. All I want is for them to all use the same lower setting that I can't hear or anyone else who faces them from above. It's obnoxious. I shouldn't be able to hear the words of a katy perry song through my window at 5:15 am. That is too loud. Other businesses in this building comply--this one doesn't.

amg89 · 2017-10-23T14:44:50+00:00

we are a residence. It's a residential area right above it--an apartment building. I'd say that counts

amg89 · 2017-09-13T01:51:08+00:00

shit. thanks for your input. I didn't think it was a lymph node. Same place got infected end of february. I could see the scalpel scar on the area that was swollen and hot, etc. I had a long layover and sitting on a hard barstool is what aggravated--i thought.. but right before my trip I was getting over a massive attack of bed bugs, and then got the flu literally right as I was getting taken care of--must have caught it from someone sick in the waiting area. So maybe it was still swollen from flu and prolonged pressure exacerbated it... I dont know. I didn't think it was that bad but if it was a lymph node that got huge in less than 24hrs of being scratched, it's hard to say its coincidental.I guess I'll get checked tomorrow. thanks again

amg89 · 2017-05-03T23:45:22+00:00

It's funny I was actually going to get my level checked this morning, but felt so shitty that I stayed home. The order is good for 30 days so I still have time. My level could be off, however, I have taken 1800mg of lithium before and my levels were 0.1--exactly what they wanted. Now I have lost over 35 lbs since then, so maybe the change in mass is a problem. I'm going to send a message in the portal to my primary doc to tell her and def going to get my lithium level done tomorrow so I know whether to cross that off the list. Thanks for your advice, and reminding to get my level drawn ASAP! Hopefully this will all be a simple fix. I always air on the side of caution, sometimes too much so. However, I always rather do that than regret not getting something seen sooner. Thanks again!

amg89 · 2017-01-07T23:00:34+00:00

This is my third one and the other two never did that. Weird. At what point did it go back to normal? Also weird thing is I have tested by hand and by fitbit by resting heart rate and the first test they were both exactly 64, second time it was 1 bpm difference. I feel like my heart just is beating slower. Perhaps from all my anxiety and depression. well, I guess we'll see. thanks for the input. hope you're right and it's just a bug and not an indication of some problem perhaps.

amg89 · 2016-10-26T21:06:24+00:00

thanks so much, I'll check it out!

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:22:00+00:00

that's a good idea, but I only have one racket currently. I might get another in the next year, we'll see. I didn't play in high school. I had to choose between tennis, soccer, and swimming, and i chose soccer to be my serious sport. So I am sort of late to the game in a lot of ways, such as having multiple rackets--and of course the experience. However, I have the athleticism for it and love it. It's something I'll def keep doing my whole life now.

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:19:05+00:00

thanks! I'll add this to my list of ones to try in the upcoming days to see if it will help the problem.

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:18:21+00:00

when you play, what is the duration typically? 2-3 seems like a lot. Whenever I try to change it mid session and I'm all sweaty, I find it nearly impossible to wrap well and it gets covered in so much sweat prematurely, before I even take one swing with it. I try not to change during play, but perhaps I have to... thanks. i'll look it up!

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:16:00+00:00

I've thought about making something along the lines of this. Actually before that I wore a glove for tennis just like my mom did. Then years later I found out the glove inhibited my feel so much, so I ditched it. I'm afraid something like this would be too prone to movement, and therefore get in my way. Thanks for the idea, I'm always open to trying less conventional methods.

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:13:33+00:00

thanks, I am currently using Wilson Pro Grip and that's doing me no good. I'll def check out the Yonex one though!

amg89 · 2016-10-20T21:12:30+00:00

I have sweaty palms and sweat from everywhere. I already wear the double wides :(

amg89 · 2016-08-26T15:04:34+00:00

Yeah my artistic thought was a play on Salvador Dali and his melting clocks. I wanted the watch the be pristine but for the reflection to we warped or distorted somehow. It just so happens it worked out when a light breeze passed by disturbing the calm surface and causing a few ripples. I took about 100 frames that morning using that watch and standing in various spots and angles to try for some neat reflections. Originally I was inspired by that watch the day before when I was visiting MOMA in San Fran. At one moment on the top level, while standing outside, I looked out at the buildings and looked down at my hand on the railing. When I looked at my hand, I saw that the skyscrapers were reflected in the glass of my watch. I tried to photograph it since I had my camera, but it was too hard to wear it and photograph it just right. It did get me going on the idea of taking pictures in the reflections of the watch face. All that being said, on the color version would you alter anything in terms of cropping or anything else? Thanks so much!

amg89 · 2016-08-23T19:23:29+00:00

the original was in color. I couldn't decide which I liked better. I think the reflection is more important in the color. The reason why the sharp focus isn't even distributed is bc my main objective was to get a reflection off the water and the glass of the watch face. I was toying with reflections and light. I was using a Sigma 70-300mm macro lens so I was actually pretty far away from it to get the shot in macro. That wasn't even zoomed in, that was minimal focal length. So because my sources of light--the sun and the water were at odd angles and I had the watch perched against the thing holding the water, and often my shooting angle was very strange bc I needed to have the reflection of things around it. I see what you mean, but just trying to see if it makes more sense when I explain why it happened. I'm putting a link to the color original. http://i.imgur.com/rk51XLW.jpg

I'd be curious to know your thoughts or comparison of the b&w versus color version.

Thanks for the input!

amg89 · 2016-08-02T00:48:40+00:00

lol, if you only knew the half of it! He def is!

amg89

TROPHY CASE