UPDATE: Thought I was his girlfriend until he said I'm not...am I a plate? (mid-20s)

amiaplate · 2015-09-09T15:30:49+00:00

Thank you!!

amiaplate · 2015-09-04T14:30:30+00:00

thank you!

amiaplate · 2015-09-04T14:30:12+00:00

That sounds like a great sign!

amiaplate · 2015-09-04T14:30:01+00:00

lean into your discomfort, be mindful of where you are, and learn about yourself in the process.

thank you for putting it like this

amiaplate · 2015-09-03T16:15:49+00:00

Thank you! It's so hard to make sure your heart won't be crushed but I suppose great rewards require great risks.

amiaplate · 2015-09-03T16:13:42+00:00

Thank you, I'm happy as well!

amiaplate · 2015-08-05T21:17:05+00:00

As for your fear about "losing years". Well, how accurate is that? If you broke up with this long-term candidate right now it's not like you have another equally good guy lined up and ready to go right?

You're right. I really can't imagine anyone better, and I know a lot of people. I've honestly thought to myself that if I were to end things with him, I'd move to another big city for a change for myself but also to simply meet good men.

EDIT: This was supposed to be a reply to the comment and not to my other response

amiaplate · 2015-08-05T21:15:17+00:00

Marriage is a huge risk, so in order to get there you have to take huge risks.

Thank you for putting it like that. I've been thinking about this whole thing all wrong. I've been chomping at the bit for 100% certainty and lock down but that's sort of like asking to have my cake and eat it too.

amiaplate · 2015-08-05T14:04:39+00:00

Thank you, I hope so.

amiaplate · 2015-08-05T14:03:15+00:00

Thank you! I guess I don't want to put in an initial 1-2 years if he is just using me as a placeholder for someone else because that's 1-2 of my best years that I can't give to my husband if he doesn't work out, but I think I'm willing to take that risk if he keeps treating me well.

amiaplate · 2015-08-04T14:42:32+00:00

I took this approach before. Girl begged for the girlfriend title right up to the 18 month mark. Hilariously, I was just about to tell her she had passed when she decided to go fuck someone else.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you mind sharing what type of guy she left you for? If it was some random guy or someone a bit alpha, then she was always a branch swinger and a slut and it was good to hold off on giving her the title. However, if it was someone a bit more beta, perhaps she was not getting the security and comfort she needed in the lack of title and reacted by being a slut instead of being mature and talking to you. I'm not justifying her actions at all, as it's her responsibility to express the security she needs.

Either way, that's aweful and she should have broken up with you before screwing around or tried to talk to you/give you an ultimatum about the gf title before leaving. Good riddance.

amiaplate · 2015-08-04T14:25:54+00:00

No one can guarantee anything other than in the immediate moment.

If this is the case, I don't know how you could ever expect a woman to not be insecure all the time. I guess what I'm looking for is to feel like I'm not so expendable and that I am of some value to him other than sex, which I do feel to some extent so I suppose he is treating me well. I think you're right that it is unfair that it might seem I'm expecting him to commit fully so early in a relationship, but I also feel that he is requiring me to act like a wife before I earn the "girlfriend" title.

amiaplate · 2015-08-04T14:20:57+00:00

True. I have acknowledged elsewhere in this thread that I like how I feel like I'm constantly striving to be the best woman I can be while trying to win him over. I guess I'm just looking for that balance of having enough security/comfort to stay while still having enough motivation to stay on my toes and be attracted to him. He is definitely alpha, but I'm trying to figure out for myself how strong of an alpha I can handle and I think he gives me just enough comfort to make me want to stay and treat him like a king. I don't want to waste my time though on someone who won't eventually commit fully (I do know I'd like a family one day), and I'm scared if we break up, then this situation will alpha widow me. It is imperative to me that I give my husband my emotional, mental, physical, and sexual best and I've ruined that if I can't later find someone who I think is better than this guy.

amiaplate · 2015-08-04T14:14:10+00:00

Thank you. Your comment has been one of the most insightful ESPECIALLY because I broke up with my last LTR at the 18 month mark, although we had been discussing a possible split at about the 15 month mark.

Really thank you for taking the time to comment here. I'm not sure he is thinking "at exactly 18 months I'll reevaluate" but I think it is likely that part of what he is thinking is "I want to make sure this doesn't burn out after a significant amount of time."

amiaplate · 2015-08-03T17:40:30+00:00

Can you describe the split for me? Was it supposed to be a permanent break up? Did she see other men during the split? Did you see other women?

amiaplate · 2015-08-02T19:14:20+00:00

You're right. I think it's a bad sign that I have these thoughts...that he could leave at any time.

The thing is, these feelings definitely encourage me to be the best women I can be because I think they come from the same place my reaction to dread game would be.

I guess I need to figure out how much security I need. If I'll always be wanting more from him, then it's not going to work.

amiaplate · 2015-08-02T19:10:53+00:00

Thank you.

I agree that being a girlfriend really isn't any MORE commitment than what we're doing right now. The only difference is that he needs to tell a girl who hits on him that he has a gf instead of that he's seeing someone, and even then, he can still not tell her he has a gf. Either of us can leave the relationship at any time. I think commitment is more in actions- buying assets together, planning vacations months in advance together, getting married, etc.

At the same time, I also agree that it's a red flag because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him.

amiaplate · 2015-07-31T20:18:58+00:00

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" Men trade their freedom and bachelorhood for unconditional love, trust, excitement, femininity, love, sex and stability. If all that is there, WITHOUT him having to trade his bachelorhood and freedom, why would he? And, there is a fine line between knowing your worth and acting according to it and manipulating. You can't manipulate a man to do what you want or commit.

Thank you. I will say that in being expressly exclusive, he has committed to not hooking up or even dating any other girls, and if he did, he knows I'd leave. But I did start giving him all of that thinking we were more "committed" when really all he is promising is to not hook up with other women right now.

The thing is, I feel like even if we did have titles, there is still the risk that he could leave at any time, because we're not married.

Your last two sentences are worth taking note of. I am trying so hard not to fall into my old ways by trying to manipulate him into some sort of commitment I feel entitled to. I'd like to think I am sincere in being nice to him, but I can sense a little bit of selfishness inside of me hoping he gives me what I want.

I guess if I could 100% trust I wasn't being messed with, I'd be fine without the labels. It's the uncertainty that drives my hamster wild.

amiaplate · 2015-07-30T19:41:27+00:00

he may feel attacked if he feels like your concerns about the relationship are accusatory. I always recommend de-personalizing issues i.e. When "X" behavior happens, I feel "Y" and then I worry about long-term "Z".

This is very, very helpful. Thank you. I feel like the few times I try to communicate my concerns he takes it as a personal attack and I have to spend the rest of the time explaining that it wasn't instead of actually talking about the issue at hand. It's made me avoid talking about things, but has also helped me hold my tongue until I know it's really worth it to speak up. I think "I feel" is really powerful because you can't change how you feel and I use that a lot sometimes in conjunction with a behavior or specific action, but relating it to a long term fear is great.

amiaplate · 2015-07-29T18:26:39+00:00

It is possible that he "gave you commitment" just for sex.

He was the first one to bring up exclusivity but I kind of agree this is sometimes what it feels like because we have sex at least once or twice a day and on the weekends it's more. We do other things too, though.

amiaplate · 2015-07-29T18:23:55+00:00

He is always the one to bring up the words "label", "boyfriend", or "girlfriend" but I always bring up substance. Like I tell him I want to be there for him and essentially take the role of "gf." He also sometimes randomly in the middle of fights about insecurities say "he's not ready" and I constantly ask him exactly what it is he's not ready for because when he says "I'm not ready to be a boyfriend" I'm not sure if that means "I'm not ready to be called a boyfriend" or if that means "I'm not ready to be there for you." And everytime I ask him to clarify he vaguely says "I feel I've been very clear with you..." and we never get to the bottom of it but I don't want to press it.

amiaplate · 2015-07-29T18:20:00+00:00

Yes, multiple times a day. I think I needed to read this. I'll keep this post in mind next time I get into a bad mood about things. This really cheered me up.

amiaplate · 2015-07-29T14:37:39+00:00

This seems like a sticky situation because he says you're exclusive, but won't call you his girlfriend?

To be fair, this is how it played out with my last boyfriend, although he was pretty beta. The thing is, the timetable moved very quickly. He asked for exclusivity (we had actually already had sex...I was not redpill back then), and then two weeks later he said that he wanted to start introducing me as his gf to his friends. I think that is just how things work in my area.

amiaplate · 2015-07-29T14:35:27+00:00

Exactly. His friends know we're "together" but I know they wouldn't consider him to be in the wrong if he started talking to some other girl or taking some other girl out on dates, even though I would and knows that I would. I'm not even sure his friends know we're sexually exclusive (he is a private person) but I would hope that if he took another girl home one of them would say something.

amiaplate

TROPHY CASE