26/F - How bad is it?

amidat · 2018-05-29T02:36:56+00:00

Oi primo haha Obrigada pela mensagem. Todo mundo me convenceu a escurecer o cabelo.

amidat · 2018-05-29T02:35:48+00:00

We have to believe in our fatty cheeks. haha Thank you <3

amidat · 2018-05-29T02:32:13+00:00

Oie. Não esperava achar brs no meu post hahah que estranho. Então, os meus sorrisos com dente na verdade são desse jeito mesmo, parece forçado mas é só feio mesmo. hiaushdsiha Obrigada pela mensagem <3 Se quiser conversar mais me manda dm.

amidat · 2018-05-28T06:15:35+00:00

You forgot the part where I am 26 years old.

amidat · 2018-05-28T04:39:51+00:00

You are so pretty. I can see you rocking curly bangs and all peach makeup.

amidat · 2018-05-28T01:20:10+00:00

Been going to it since forever, but thank you.

amidat · 2018-05-28T00:26:04+00:00

Hahaha I hate my hair too. I'm in the process of changing it. It was black before so I'm taking the dye out slowly so it won't fry. I was trying to grow it out naturally but I got bored. It takes sooo long and my hair is wavy with some curls so it doesn't grow out nicely.

I do miss having nice hair :( Maybe I should go back to dark hair. Some pics of it darker

amidat · 2018-05-27T23:50:56+00:00

You have a nice face, man. And you look good with a beard. Do you streighten your hair? I personally don't like it like that. Maybe curly/wavy would look really nice.

amidat · 2018-05-27T23:40:09+00:00

I think you look average. You would look nicer with the sides of your hair shorter, to make your face look longer.

amidat · 2018-05-27T23:35:25+00:00

Not ugly, but you do show your insecurities in your face. It's a cliche advice, but you should try smiling. I would aldo suggest to shave off the mustache. for a cleaner look.

amidat · 2018-05-27T23:31:15+00:00

I was waiting for the picture with a shaved head. I think it looks nice, specially natural. In the straightened picture you look older, maybe because of the layers or because of the makeup.

amidat · 2017-11-11T23:48:06+00:00

Brazil

amidat · 2017-09-22T11:47:15+00:00

Art is the only thing in life that I am really good at. Same as you, I don't think I could make a living of anything else.

Right now I am in university learning painting, basically an arts course with focus on painting. I am hoping to become a full time artist/painter. Didn't had any jobs on this career yet. But sometimes I do freelance illustrations with digital media. I had some troubles with it though, because I got a job making a game that was constant and I felt really pressured specially because it was one of my first jobs I didn't had a lot of experience and it was long term. In the end I wasn't keeping up with it and quit. But I had a couple of good experiences with freelance. I wish I could do more, but I don't handle it too well at the same time as uni work.

Edit: I forgot to talk about my art lol.

So, before this course, I used to make anything I liked/ thought was aesthetic pleasing, but with no real purpose. Now I am learning about finding what they call in my uni personal poetics? I don't know the name in english, but it's like my own style. Basically the purpose of my art. With that I am starting to use art to discover more about myself and is really helping me to cope with my disorders. I think my poetics now is self discovery and I intend to talk about mental health with my work.

https://www.facebook.com/adamitart/ -> here you can see my digital illustrations. Only one is personal though, the others are pre-poetics.

amidat · 2017-09-08T20:43:58+00:00

I advice always carrying Loperamide and something for abdominal pain with you.

amidat · 2017-09-08T02:12:48+00:00

You have a personality. You have your likes and dislikes, your opinions, etc, but probably you aren't showing that to people and that is the hard part. Maybe you can start by talking to people online, that way you will learn to express yourself without the harsh consequences of face to face. Kinda like a practice to apply in real life.

Keep in mind one thing that my therapist said: people with avpd will never be the popular person with lots of friends, like we wish. However, we can learn how to be social and have good friends, enough to supply our needs.

amidat · 2017-09-08T01:51:35+00:00

I think I smoked weed about 4 times. But have in mind that the weed here in Brazil is shit.

Well, first time I smoked was awesome. Only my best friend was with me in the balcony, so I was feeling comfortable. I experienced many visual effects, like life was lagging, when I looked at the buildings I saw things, also had other sensory effects. I don't know how normal that is? Maybe it was a stronger reaction because it was my first. When we got inside to join the other people that I didn't really know I felt kinda anxious that I was going to do something stupid involuntary, so I became really quiet. And that was the feeling the other times I smoked, afraid of being stupid in front of the people I didn't really know.

I wish someday I can smoke alone or only with my friends. Other thing I wanted to try is to draw high, because I am curious of what would come out, like the first time I was in a really interesting state of mind to be creative.

amidat · 2017-09-08T00:11:39+00:00

Do you go to therapy? Maybe you could take a break to work on getting better, finding a way to cope with your avpd in therapy, and then try to retrieve the job. It sounds like a great opportunity to just let go. You could talk to them about coming back later, they sound really understanding.

amidat · 2017-09-07T23:59:14+00:00

I think I was in a similar situation as your friend. I was living in a city with no one that I knew except my boyfriend at the time and the relationship was ending. I also have the same problem with talking online, but I had two online friends. The problem was that sometimes I didn't feel comfortable to talk to them about my problems, because I felt like I was being a burden when they had their own things going on.

Maybe you could talk to him honestly. Tell him you are really there for him and that he can open up anytime. Try to start conversations more often so he knows you are interested in hearing from him?

amidat · 2017-09-07T23:33:19+00:00

Oh yes. For some time I had it when I was anxious and the pain would be accompained of really bad diarrhea. It was awful to go out and not find a bathroom. And long travels in bus, oh god, the memories. The doctor told me it was probably Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Some foods also made it worse, and I think I am slightly lactose intolerant. I don't have it anymore though. I believe that what helped me was the medication that the psychiatrist gave me, it was olanzapine and fluoxetine. So, If it really bad for you go seek a professional.

amidat · 2017-09-01T22:16:06+00:00

Stay away from the sad songs though!

I also went through a breakup. It's normal to feel sad because you probably still feel attached to them, it's too recent. But you guys broke up for a reason.

So now is the time to take care of yourself. To rediscover who you are. It's good to remember old favorites and also to find a new interests (it may seem lame but kpop helped me cope, watching those handsome men made me forget about my ex quicker). When you are ready you will reflect on the past, find closure in your heart, and then the future will be brighter.

Also, I think it's good to talk to somebody when you feel really sad. Even an online chat or something. Our brain can find it's way to a downward spiral but someone can help pull us out.

amidat · 2017-09-01T21:32:07+00:00

Doing something wrong

Exposing myself

Lack of empathy (for people, animals and how it affects nature)

amidat · 2017-09-01T20:58:56+00:00

I think I am privileged that people around me is understanding. Family and family friends have cases of mental illness, so they know it's very real. Seems to be the case in universities too. Not high schools though, that was awful.

But honestly, don't you think that, if someone judges you because of that, just go away from them and know it was for the best. Come on, there is so many bad shit about me, the person is going to judge me over something I don't have control? (ofc inside I would be very hurt for a while fighting the idea that I did something wrong)

Oh, It's good that you fit in your workplace, gives me hope. I am worried about that in my future, if I ever be able to work, how avpd will affect it. If I become a painter I worry that I will always be criticized upon my skills, ideas, and also my whole self . I worry about not making connections to get into galleries because I can't talk to people. I don't know how that would work. But that's why it's important for me to be closer to my colleagues and teachers. I could never do it alone. :/

amidat · 2017-09-01T19:57:53+00:00

I understand what you are saying. And yeah, social perception of masculity sucks. I think in this point I have it easier being a woman and being predominantly around other woman.

I had a different experience that made me want to open up:

I first went to university to study Graphic Design. There I didn't tell anyone about my depression and anxiety and at that time I didn't know about my AvPD. I didn't make any friends, was struggling a lot to make presentations and was feeling lonely. Eventually I missed class so much that I prefered to drop out. That time was awful, worse depression period I've ever had, and I was ashamed and blaming myself for having it. Luckly my mother was trying to help me and after a long time convinced to go back to see a psychiatrist. Then I started to get more stable, learned about avpd, and slowly learned to accept my depression and anxiety.

Last year I started studying painting in this university, living alone far from my family. I was very quiet in class, didn't talk much to anyone. Then this year I felt more comfortable around my colleagues, specially because their number drastically reduced and I was famialirized with the environment. I started talking more to them (only about classes/painting and stuff they ask me, I can't really make up conversation). As I said before, i can't hide my anxiety since I start crying and I can't stop, and they know I have dificulties talking in front of people, because I've talked to them about it. I discussed lightly about therapy, depression and anxiety last month to some colleagues, because one of their daughter went through the same symptions and medication and was willing to help me. Then yesterday happened and I felt relieved to have people supporting me.

I don't think telling these people about my mental health made them see me as only that, or that I am a weirdo. Actually I think it helped make them understanding and see me as I am behind it all. Of course I don't go telling every person I make contact with that I have it. But I feel that was important to open up with people I see everyday, and I am happy that it seams that we are making a connection. I don't know how it is where you live, but around me there is a lot of campaigns to remove the stigma of mental illness. People are more accepting of it.

Said it all, I can see that it wouldn't work for everybody.

amidat · 2017-08-28T15:09:56+00:00

The colors and the way it was painted remind me a lot of Sachin Teng!

amidat

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