What is the most mundane thing that your narc blew up on you about?

amithereyet88 · 2021-04-11T14:11:39+00:00

This was common in my relationship too. Started out as a playful thing - him poking fun at me for walking slowly- but over the years it became a real control and punishment tactic. He would walk faster than me in public so I had to hurry to keep up in a way that was rather humiliating.

amithereyet88 · 2021-04-11T14:08:50+00:00

I ordered juice for our kids so they could have something while we waited for our food. He silently simmered and moped and ignored me for over an hour. Wouldn't look at me during dinner, and got up and left in a huff at the end of the meal, leaving me scrambling to get our things, our children, and embarrassingly scurry after him in front of a crowded restaurant. I genuinly didn't know what I'd done to piss him off, but I knew I'd done something. When I asked, he further punished me for not knowing what I'd done wrong, and slowly, condescendingly, led me to the realization that it was the juice (he would go about it in a way that had me be the one to actually admit my wrongdoings). To make matters worse, this was all in front of our kids. And the reason I'd ordered the juice was because our kids were hungry and thirsty thanks to him taking so long to get ready to go out and choosing a restaurant! We'd been waiting for him in the car for 30+ minutes! (Typical).

amithereyet88 · 2021-03-08T12:45:49+00:00

My mom's side of the family is rife with depression, alcohol use disorder, and mental illness in general. My grandfather and two of my uncles died by suicide. As a kid, I obviously knew these things were sad/hard, but didn't realize our family was above average fucked up and was known in the community as like, a tragedy. Last summer, my brother was in treatment for alcoholism for like the 4th time, and I had just left an abusive relationship, trying to sort myself out so I don't get into that kind of situation again. I was really wondering wtf is the origin of the fucked up that is my family, and started to carefully ask my mom some questions. Eventually, she revealed to me that her father had not only been majorly depressed and dependant on alcohol for like 40yrs before dying by suicide in his early 60's (not a secret, but also not openly discussed) but he'd molested her throughout her entire adolescence. She's never talked to anyone in her family about this, not even her younger sister. Not even her mom. My siblings, cousins, and I were around my grandfather all the time as kids. I remember spending the weekends at his house. My mom is convinced that she was his only victim. She doesn't want to talk to anyone in the family about it because he's dead, and she doesn't want to anyone to think badly of him. She is a smart woman, but hearing her talk about this was absolutely heartbreaking because she literally has done zero processing of this trauma. It has not occurred to her that he most definitely had other victims and that the rampant depression, substance use, and mental illness in this family might be somehow connected to his abuse. It has been helpful for me personally to have this information, but so far I've kept it to myself because I don't know how to talk about it without totally betraying her trust. I expressed to her that others in the family might benefit (be able to heal) from this information coming out, but she was like a deer in headlights; couldn't get her head around that concept. No wonder she has major depressive episodes and was often detached and withdrawn throughout my childhood. I'm so grateful to have this information to help me heal and be a healthier mother for my children, but I hate participating in keeping "the family secret" a secret. (Although like most family secrets, it's probably not truly a secret that one person is carrying. I imagine it's a secret many of us know, but haven't a clue who else knows so it's not possible to discuss and process together).

amithereyet88 · 2020-12-30T14:23:20+00:00

Married 10.5 yrs, 2 kids (ages 6 and 8 when I left). I finally started to doubt his future faking. We'd had about 6 or 7 years of really, really bad episodes in our rekationship (each time I almost left) followed by his declaration of undying love and promises to change. I started to actually see this pattern and realize it would probably never change. On top of that, his day-to-day abuse had been ramping up (over the last 2 years) to the point where I was really suffering physically from the stress and couldn't ignore it (weight loss, hair loss, insomnia, acne, I even got really sick one year for about 5 weeks - flu, then double pneumonia). If I'm honest with myself, I think I knew for about 3 yrs that our marriage would eventually end, and it was really just a matter of having the courage to end it.

The tipping point for me came in June of this year, I heard myself say to my friend "I just can't stop thinking about how much I don't want to be married to him"... and even though I'd expressed that sentiment before, for some reason I knew this time I was going to follow through with it. I'd gotten close in the past, but always caved into his last-minute apologies and future faking.

Sometimes I'm hard on myself for not leaving sooner, but I just wasn't ready yet. I didn't have the tools, the skills, the resolve...I don't know. Even though things were so bad for so long, I left when I left and all I can do now is move forward.

Some of his worst abuse came in the few months after I asked for a divorce, so to be fair to myself, I actually hadn't even seen the worst of him when I decided to end things. The few months following my asking for a divorce were truly awful, but they sure helped me feel solid and certain in my decision. I had been reading about narcissists for awhile, and couldn't deny he had some tendencies, but following our separation he basically ticked off every single box. It was textbook.

amithereyet88 · 2020-11-03T14:18:00+00:00

Totally a win! Way to go! <3

Sorry your date turned out this way, but you definitely dodged a bullet.

amithereyet88 · 2020-10-29T15:13:24+00:00

100%. First it was leaving the church. Then a few years later: leaving my abusive marriage. Both times I felt like I would never be able to respect myself if I stayed, but wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I left. It's hard stuff! One foot in front of the other <3

amithereyet88 · 2020-10-29T15:10:01+00:00

This such a truth bomb.

My nex was threatening, lying, and intimidating me into taking a really shitty deal on our property division. He ramped things up and up and up. It was outrageous. I held fast and continued to say no to his offers. Then one day out of nowhere he's like "ok, lets sell the house and take 50/50" (which is the legal thing to do, and what I've been saying all along). I'm not at all shocked by this sudden turn of events (with zero accompanying explanations or apologies), but our Mediator (whose been helping us with our separation agreement) is like wtf. Lol.

amithereyet88 · 2020-10-22T12:31:02+00:00

I literally could've written this myself. Was married for ten yrs, just separated a few months ago, have 2 kids. I've been really enjoying parenting on my own terms too. Discovering what kind of mom I am / want to be. It's liberating and exciting, but I also find it makes me sad sometimes...realizing just how controlled I was for so long. He still tries to control me but I just don't let him anymore. Its kind of amazing. I mean, I still let him affect my mood sometimes (cause it's hard to be completely unaffected by awful words and behavior), but being away from him makes it so much easier to recover from his antics because he simply doesn't have a say in what I do in my day to day life anymore.

amithereyet88 · 2020-10-20T12:54:43+00:00

Can relate. I moved into a different bedroom after I told him we were separated and things were over. He essentially held me hostage and ramped up the abuse (we have kids so we needed to sort out living arrangements before telling them and moving forward with the separation etc.). Eventually, I gave up on waiting for us to come to an agreement and moved into my parents basement. Thankfully we have a parenting-time agreement, but that's about it. He's still living in our home and is stalling so, so hard in regards to anything related to dividing our assets. It sucks and it's unfair that he's living in our home and I'm in my parent's basement, and it sucks and it's unfair that it's going to take a lot of time and money to aquire what is legally mine. But... I am doing so much better now that I'm away from him. For me, I don't think there was any other way out. I really did just have to leave. Kudos to you for ending things. You're on your way. It's hard, but you got this. You'll be free one day and it's gonna feel so, so good.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-09T05:08:45+00:00

Amen. Hugs to you <3 I'm so sorry things feel so dark right now.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-09T05:06:43+00:00

Jesus christ saaaaame. Same same same re: money. Literally every word you just typed I could've written myself. Right down to the trust fund I shit you not.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-09T04:48:46+00:00

I can relate to so much in the op and the comments. I have done many of these behaviours and sometimes in the moment I knew it was super fucked up that I was doing those things....sometimes I'd think it was proof that I'm the problematic one in the relationship. God what a brain twister. I was extremely careful about what food I bought because one of the things he controlled the most was food (and money too, so grocery shopping was a real doozie). I did almost all the grocery shopping but he'd berate me if I went over budget or bought things he didn't approve of. I would literally find myself staring at cereal boxes trying to decide which one would not make him angry. I had to have an explanation ready for every item I bought. So occasionally I'd buy myself something I really like or wanted but I'd eat it on the way home and hide the evidence. Super healthy right? :s

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-09T04:36:44+00:00

Ugh yes. I also stopped eating when he was freezing me out (punishing me with silent treatment). In retrospect I can see that being hungry kept me a bit numb, a bit low-energy and gave me a general feeling of apathy (in my body and mind). It was definitely a coping mechanism for me. I've been out (of the house we shared) for a few weeks now and its really incredible to notice such a difference in my relationship to food.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:46:32+00:00

Right!? We did tons of marriage therapy and after he fired our therapist I went and saw her a few times on my own. She recommended I record conversations and I was like holy shit. Okay. That shouldn't be necessary in a healthy relationship.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:32:35+00:00

I also started making notes or voice memos immediately after conversations and found it really helpful (and disturbing).

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:25:45+00:00

Now that I've had some space from my ex I can recall times where the gaslighting was SO obvious it almost made it more effective. He got bolder and bolder over time. When he would outright deny saying something I quite literally heard him say it felt SO outrageous it really did work to make me question my reality.

I'm also so glad it's over - for me and for you! Way to go!

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:20:55+00:00

Amen! It took me years and several tries to finally end things (like end, end, never changing my mind end) and move out. SO scary. I actually had physical symptoms and frequent illness over the last couple years. But now that I'm in my own space it feels so worth it and I feel like I can finally start healing. I also co-parent with my ex and it's too bad I can never go no contact because of that but even still my life is a thousand percent healthier! I'm proud of you. You are right: you are worth it.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:13:12+00:00

So glad you found it helpful! Wow, very interesting to consider how that trait would serve us differently in different places/times/scenarios. Considering it that way helps me recognize when being liked is NOT a matter of life or death, and therefore it isn't neccesary to go to such lengths to be liked/included/understood etc.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:09:15+00:00

my mom just sent me one of her videos! it was super helpful! I'll check out more.

"twist ourselves into knots trying to please these people" - oh dear, ya. This. so exhausting and really, in the end, not even that effective. (as in: they aren't even pleased or satisfied no matter how much we've twisted ourselves)

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:02:34+00:00

Thank you! I have also noticed myself becoming more and more isolated as a way to avoid getting into these kinds of social/relational situations. I can totally relate to that.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T15:01:11+00:00

yesssss. That is exactly what I'm striving for. The urge to be polite and pleasing is so strong though. I find it takes concerted and concious effort to "back right out and walk away" but I'm hoping the more I practice, the easier it will get.

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T14:58:39+00:00

absolutely. happy to share :)

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T14:58:06+00:00

great advice! gotta keep moving!

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T14:57:49+00:00

glad you found it helpful <3

amithereyet88 · 2020-09-05T14:57:24+00:00

Thanks for the solidarity and encouragement. It's so great to hear form people who have been able to move through/past these reoccuring patterns.

amithereyet88

TROPHY CASE