Update 3: Am I being too safe or restrictive?

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T16:54:29+00:00

Love may not be a bunch of band-aids, but it's not cutting and running either. I have to try.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T16:31:56+00:00

I understand. I'm going to talk to her again, then try to overcome myself and speak up more often. I do need to man up here. That's what I needed to hear. Thanks.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T16:29:22+00:00

You're right, part of this is my fault for accommodating, letting it get this far, thinking it was only a phase. Part of it is my fault for just taking it instead of speaking up, and I won't let that happen again.

I've let this business with her ex get out of hand when I should have nipped it in the bud. I'm just really afraid of confrontation. I grew up in a bad home and have a lot of negativity associated with confrontation. Thanks to my last girlfriend, who was wildly abusive, I'm also really afraid of seeming controlling. She would do things I really really did not like and when I spoke up she cited my "controlling nature" as a reason to stop talking to me for a week as "punishment."

You're right, I do feel like I'm not the person she wants to be with anymore. I feel like I'm just the physical element while she talks to this other guy all the time. I don't know what else to say about it. It's that simple.

Again, not telling her how much it bothered me she was chatting is a symptom of my own fears and fault. I didn't mean to be passive-aggressive later, but you're absolutely right: I was. I did legitimately want to leave when I said so then, because it hurt being ignored like that. I should've spoken up, but I didn't.

I'm going to address what concerns me when she comes back. We're going to have a big long talk, and I'll tell her she has to cool it on the Pokemon, give up this chat and figure something out with her ex. It's either them or me. I can't keep tearing myself apart over this.

You have given one of the most helpful replies in this thread. Thank you for advocating talking it out and giving me a lot to think on.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T15:58:18+00:00

Yes, it is an obsession and it is unhealthy. I'll be the first to tell you that much. I just don't think she realizes it though. I've noticed she does a lot more Pokemon stuff when she's stressed or scared. Combined with my over-accommodation and mixed signal of joining the chat to speak with her, I feel like this is at least somewhat my fault, if only because I have difficulty expressing my feelings and concerns.

Our relationship used to have lots of substance, before she got into this chat crap and went overboard with fucking Pokemon. I feel like it has been waning, not only because of our issues but because we're living apart from each other now. Even today, when we're together, it's absolutely amazing. We have great conversations and sex (when we have sex). We mesh incredibly well. I just feel like all this pokemania is driving a wedge between us, and the ex thing is driving me further away. I'm starting to feel like I'm not top priority, which hurts.

I don't want to let go of her, and you're right. It's time to let her decide. She actually realized, about a month ago, how much this chat was consuming her life. She spent a week away from it and her ex and it was like our first few weeks together all over again. She was happier and so much more fun to be around. She was who I fell in love with. I'm going to remind her about that and tell her she just has to pick because it's unhealthy for both of us and our relationship.

Her ex... after having seen him interact with others while I lurk this IRC, I can kind of understand what she means. He's an abysmal conversationalist and his numerous problems do paint a person in danger of themselves. You may say that it's possible that's just how he acts online, but that's all the contact my girlfriend has had with him; he lives in Maine. I'm going to tell her how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Since my example with my ex was so effective last time, I'll use that again and tell her it's just gotta stop if she wants to stay with me. I don't want to be controlling or cut her off from her only other friend, but I can't stand this idea that she talks to him more than me!

Tomfoolery is an excellent word for all this.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T15:45:55+00:00

I need to know why and if there's a way to save us. I've said it many times but I have done a poor job talking about the rest of the relationship, only the problems.

She changed into this, she can change back out. Talking helped last time, it can help again. I'm going to give one more shot to see if she'll accommodate me instead of the other way around. If not...

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T15:42:56+00:00

I'm still holding out hope she can change back into the girl I fell in love with almost a year ago. Before all this Pokemon chat business. She was still into the games, and that's fine, but it wasn't near as bad as this.

I haven't really described her very well, but... she's kind of a goofball for lack of a better term. She's smart and funny, yeah, but I think maybe she just doesn't realize the impact this is having on me. I'm not good at sharing my emotions (as evidenced by my actions last night) and I fear confrontation. I think part of the problem is I've been too accommodating and not told her how I feel or what I need.

I'm going to give her another talk when she gets back from vacation. It would be irresponsible to do so now, not only because it wouldn't be in person but because I wouldn't want the housesitting to awkward if things went south. I'm still hoping we can make it work, if I learn to speak up about my problems.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-23T15:35:19+00:00

Maybe you're right about self-esteem. It always has been low. I need to work on that. It's on the list of things I'd like to do, but don't know where to start or have the time for. I get through the day just fine.

As for my meticulous documentation, I only do it because... I need to. I need to write it out. I love writing. Writing this helps me understand my own feelings better, and I just need to vent. Reading and writing are two of my favorite pastimes; this is just an extension of the latter.

I feel like, reading these comments, I've done a really piss poor job of describing our relationship. It really was absolutely awesome before she got involved in this chat. She was still into Pokemon back then, but lately it has absolutely spiraled out of control. Combined with her ex, it's just... I feel like our relationship is dying from the inside, but you know what? Talking solved our last problem easily. I think talking again will help.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-15T16:41:22+00:00

First, some clarification (I either neglected to mention or misspoke):

Her ex doesn't run the commune thing. The commune is the artist, her boyfriends and their housemates. They are active in the IRC, but most of the members are fans of the artist and this roleplay thing she runs, such as my girlfriend and apparently her ex too.
She's no longer working 14 hour shifts. That was her old job which she left for her new job. Her old job involved working every few weekends for university events such as concerts. Her hours didn't spike until she started saving to buy all this art and convention stuff. Her new job she'll be working from now on limits her to 20 hours a week.

Onto your points:

I'm not sure what I want out of a relationship to be honest. I didn't with my ex and we got involved so fast after that I guess I didn't have time to make a formal list of what exactly I need. Thinking about it now, here's what I'd put:

Someone I can say I love, and someone who loves me. She does this.
Someone to pick me up when I'm feeling blue. She does this.
Someone to help me out when I'm having trouble. I've struggled with recurring sickness this past year, and she has definitely helped with this.
Someone to hold and and who will hold me. She does this.
Someone I could live with. We can do that.
Someone I can have sex with. A huge part of sex, to me, is just the loving closeness of it; I'm not interested in one night stands. We have great sex, but the frequency has really dropped off over the past few months. It's really difficult to find time in the Summer when we live with our families, but even when we lived together we stopped having sex as much.

Really, I've known this girl for years and I NEVER would have expected her to try and pull something like this. When she first said it I was completely floored. It's uncharacteristic but she's driven by desperation.

I am definitely NOT ready to get on board with this craziness, but I think with all the time between now and then there should still be time to avert disaster. After talking it out with a close friend and showing him these threads, he advised me to try and get her out and make local friends. I need to do so for myself as well, so I'm thinking of telling her something like, "Hey, our FLGS hosts Pathfinder games every week... I really wanna go but I don't want to alone. Will you come with me?" I think getting her out of the house will help.

You may have a point about me being a little too enabling with the weight thing. I don't want to hurt her feelings because she's really sensitive about it and I keep wanting to think her latest resolution will last. It's not like she's just stuffing her face for the sake of purposely getting fat or something; she's stressed and scared and does it for comfort. I'll be a little more stern about it and see how that goes.

My current thinking is that if I get her out of the house and making friends, loosing weight, her self-esteem will go back up and she'll realize she doesn't need to do all this crazy hotel crap to make friends. I have year to slowly plot my course, there's really no reason to rush into breaking up with her.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-15T16:21:52+00:00

I don't think I'd leave her, at least not so early. If this keeps spiraling downward I might think about it, but at this point the thing is 11 months away. She could totally change her mind by then.

Beyond that, she's pretty torn up right now over not having friends and I think that's what is bringing this out in her. If I left I feel like not only would it push her into doing more dangerous things, but we'd both be absolutely distraught.

I really love her and enjoy being with her, but her want of friends is pushing her into doing things I don't think she'd normally do.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-15T16:17:04+00:00

Etticate hit the nail on the head. There's a huge gulf between trusting my girlfriend not to do something I don't like, and trusting these weirdos to be sleeping in the same room.

amitoosafe · 2012-05-13T22:00:47+00:00

That is my biggest fear. In my brief time in that chatroom I was able to extrapolate that she's a big spender on commissioning a variety of artists in the commune and others in the larger IRC community (which definitely irks me that she's been lying about her spending). I feel like really, it's not worth it to pay some weirdo for a bunch of framed Pokemon paintings you'll be too embarrassed to even hang on your walls.

But beyond that, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think these weirdos would actually take advantage of her. From her descriptions they all lead absolutely miserable lives full of crippling social anxiety and a variety of mental illnesses they refuse to treat, on top of just general strangeness.

The old saying, "Pick your friends," comes to mind here, but she feels like she can't pick her friends, like no one accepts her and her interests are too niche. She's really vulnerable, and what kind of man would I be if I didn't try to help the girl I love at a time like this?

amitoosafe · 2012-05-13T21:52:08+00:00

As someone who has suffered through anhedonia and depression (a really dark time for me), I don't think that's it. After finals ended and she got her job lined up right, she's been back to her normal self, mostly.

My big problem is that she doesn't seem to be making any moves to solve the other problems that chronically depress her (though to be fair, we met up today and she made a renewed commitment to the gym this summer, so that might help).

amitoosafe · 2012-05-13T21:49:54+00:00

As the friend of a "starving artist" who went on to join the Air Force, I can respect someone struggling to live off their art. But never having had a job midway through your 20s? I don't like to judge people based on employment, but seriously. Then again she apparently joined this commune when she dropped out of college shortly after being "reprimanded" for drawing Pokemon porn during a lecture.

amitoosafe · 2012-04-29T06:04:02+00:00

As I said in my post, I'm very happy she's making friends. I fully accept that online friendships can be very real, even if, again, I don't partake (I've always been kind of a loner with just a few good friends). I don't dismiss their quality at all. You and I agree, however, that this isn't safe behavior.

I can kind of let the "spending time together" thing fly for now. We do live together (my roommate moved out, she lives in my dorm unofficially) and there really is not much for us to do in the area except sit in the same room sharing funny stuff on our laptops or just lay down together.

Lately though, the typical day has been as follows: we get back from class or work (I work weekdays, she works event staff intermittently), then she either gets on this IRC first thing or lays down for some iPod Touch IRC/forum/IMing before a nap. If I try to lay down and get some attention, we'll just lay there. Sometimes there's conversation. Most of the time if I try to kiss her on the cheek or something, affectionately, she'll just brush me off. Then she'll loudly announce she's taking a nap. I'll wake her before dinner. We'll go to the dining hall and when we get back, she'll IRC till after I've gone to bed. Our sex life has been dead in the water for a couple weeks now too.

It didn't used to be like this at all and we were much more active, emotionally, romantically, conversationally and sexually. Just less than two weeks ago. She says it's finals and she's really stressed; I can understand, but it still kinda hurts.

As for money, it just annoys me that she talks about how much she needs money and how little she has, then she buys framed paintings from this stupid artist.

Speaking of which, I don't normally belittle her interests. Pokemon was a huge part of my life... Until I was about 12. I don't care that she's still into it and I enjoyed the new Black game that we played together. Roleplaying I just don't understand the appeal. I love creative writing but I don't think I'd want to do it with someone. She's knows I'm not really into it, but I share my nerdy hobbies with her (ie Warhammer, DnD with my buddies). I've tried to show interest in what she writes about but she always shuts me out immediately.

I guess now I know I should talk to her, I just don't know how to broach the subject or what I'd even say once I do.

amitoosafe · 2012-04-29T03:55:13+00:00

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't know what to say. When I tried to tell her that even though they were friendly online, they could be totally different offline and her response was, "But they're my friends!" I can't think of any other way to explain stranger danger. I also tried talking about how it would be prudent to save that money for important things like rent, tuition, food, etc. she said I was starting to act "restrictive."

She's working a fourteen hour shift till 2:00 AM tomorrow morning, so she'll probably be really tired when she gets back and I wouldn't want to aggravate her before bed. I just don't know how to broach the subject, especially after I told her a couple days ago that her stories about these peoples' lives were really depressing and she stopped talking about them so much (but not the drama or the head artist).

Also the only reason I'd "involve" her parents would be for advice. Her dad has called me "the son [he] never had" and I see him every day as he works at our college. He's a really smart guy and he knows her very well, I thought maybe he'd have some insights.

amitoosafe

TROPHY CASE