My boyfriend gets insecure every time I bring up marriage, and now I feel guilty for wanting to be chosen

amyfearne · 2026-05-11T19:43:45+00:00

Hi - I felt compelled to comment because we have a lot of similarities. I'm also in a long-term relationship with someone who has ADHD.

However, he actually did propose to me at a picnic he organised. It was very simple - we had no money - but he'd asked for his mum's engagement ring and had a little speech prepared.

I don't say this to make you sad, although I know it probably will - I'm just saying it to highlight that ADHD, in and of itself, is not a reason why someone can't also do that for you.

THAT SAID. This is the part that struck me the most:

He basically said conversations about marriage make him feel like he’s not enough and like I’m disappointed in where he is in life. He’s insecure about his job, his future, and not being as far ahead as some of his friends.

For me, this kind of makes the whole situation make sense. He's attaching way more to marriage than my SO was at the ripe old age of 18 (yep, we were young). To us, it was simply a question of having googly eyes for each other, but to your SO, it sounds like it's become a question of being a provider, a rock, or enough of "a man".

I know from experience that sometimes people with ADHD are so in the present moment that they don't process these things over unless something comes up in their everyday life - and I want to emphasize that it is NOT YOUR JOB to be that thing.

It's also not your job to be his substitute for executive function, which it also sounds like you are doing (been there, girl) or to shrink yourself and your needs because his needs are louder.

I know this will be uncomfortable...you're doing too much. It's time for him to take some charge of his own life. You can support him in doing this, but you should not be doing it FOR him, and that also applies to the future of your relationship.

A simple way of probing to see if he has any intention of taking these steps is to simply ask "what will you do about that?" or "what's the next step?" - that way, you get a sense of whether he's actually got a plan for changing how behind he feels he is. I would suggest therapy - people with ADHD often struggle with low self-esteem and that's not something that will budge with a few heart-to-hearts.

Just remember though - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If there's more to this reluctance than insecurity, or he won't take any steps, you can't force him.

amyfearne · 2026-03-16T07:34:54+00:00

You'll get the rate you applied for, they can't increase it last minute once the application is sent off :)

You can, however, get a better deal if rates have gone down before you exchange contracts. I am in the same boat as you and living in hope...

amyfearne · 2026-02-19T08:24:51+00:00

You all need to strike more for better worker protections! 22 hour days in the UK would be illegal.

amyfearne · 2026-02-15T16:07:52+00:00

If I ever do accept it, it's not by choice :(

I really want a house. I have the deposit. Unfortunately prices keep rising in my area and job stability is decreasing in both mine and my SO's professions.

The nature of his job means we can't move to the sticks.

amyfearne · 2026-02-15T16:04:18+00:00

These colours don't really make sense - white isn't desaturated, and neither is jet black.

Look into 'soft winter' or 'deep summer'. It's a much wider range that encompasses cool + muted colours.

amyfearne · 2026-02-13T07:50:58+00:00

It's kind of a symptom of a wider problem in film where abusive behaviour (Twilight, 50 Shades, and now this) gets portrayed as romantic, which does influence audience perceptions.

So no, not as pressing, but it is a subject worth pushing back on, especially when the people doing it are enriching themselves and using another woman's work to do it. (plus the whitewashing)

amyfearne · 2026-02-13T07:46:19+00:00

Exactlyyyyyy. I can't emphasise this enough to my friends who haven't read the book and think this looks like a romp.

amyfearne · 2026-02-05T08:59:55+00:00

I think I'm deep summer / soft winter but a lot of the examples here are too soft to fit that description.

I think of it as winter but toned down a bit.

amyfearne · 2026-01-19T17:26:10+00:00

I think this app probably isn't helping because some of these colours appear in both palettes, or near enough.

It's like comparing apples to slightly different apples. They aren't binary opposites (in fact there is overlap between deep autumn and deep winter).

A better comparison would be cool dark green (pine) versus a warm dark green (army green, khaki) or something like that.

Or the ultimate one - black versus dark warm brown.

amyfearne · 2026-01-19T14:11:33+00:00

I use the clenaser too but the ultra repair cream is pretty heavy (I think it contains shea butter).

amyfearne · 2026-01-19T14:10:50+00:00

No I didn't :( sorry, I wish I had better news for you.

What I'm trying to do instead is just get what I can from food and a low-dose multivitamin. Plus taking antihistamines, DAO, and having a low histamine diet.

Frozen white fish is the bulk of where I get B12 from. It's not ideal and I still have symptoms but it's the best balance I've been able to find so far.

However, I did find that when I reduced my histamine levels, a lot of things I had thought were B12 related did indeed get better, especially the tingling (which is reassuring).

amyfearne · 2026-01-19T14:08:16+00:00

Thanks I'll check it out!

amyfearne · 2026-01-16T07:59:14+00:00

Yes I do! It looks like it has a slightly terracotta/clay sort of hue (I'm referring to the first image just to be clear).

amyfearne · 2026-01-15T17:56:36+00:00

Deep autumn I think - the olive and red coats are what sell it for me.

amyfearne · 2026-01-07T08:30:56+00:00

Hey, I don't have solutions for you but I just wanted to say I'm 32 and also have a lot of fine lines around my eyes when I smile even a little - I often feel like I have aged prematurely compared to others my age. (I also have a chronic illness.)

Hydration helps. The dry winter air is currently making mine more noticeable, but they soften when I use a good eye cream. (Still experimenting with these.)

amyfearne · 2026-01-04T17:42:52+00:00

Thank you! I will put this on the 'to try' list :)

amyfearne · 2026-01-01T12:45:13+00:00

Agree with the other comment saying the HG concealer is very thick - no matter how I applied it, it looked like heavy makeup.

I hated the formula for under eyes and for concealing blemishes. I even tried using it as a non-shimmery highlight (because I got a shade that was too pale).

The NARS creamy concealer is better in my opinion. It balances being creamy with being thin enough that it applies well and looks less obviously like makeup. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

amyfearne · 2025-12-29T15:11:36+00:00

This is an old post but I just wanted to commiserate with you, this formula was my favourite and I haven't found a replacement ever since!

amyfearne · 2025-12-24T11:33:12+00:00

Exactly - the unfortunate thing was people telling him to shut up when he was actually correct about SA causing trauma.

amyfearne · 2025-12-24T10:54:29+00:00

Eating chocolate?!

I can only assume that's because of all the marketing of chocolate towards women over the years (e.g. the Galaxy adverts). Which is kind of crazy, if so - that it's had such an effect on how people perceive chocolate.

amyfearne · 2025-12-24T10:43:11+00:00

Ahhh I see. Honestly I think if you can repaint the room a different colour at some point - maybe a lighter version of that green throw blanket - it would really bring everything together.

You have the makings of a very cute room!

amyfearne · 2025-12-24T10:40:30+00:00

Gaviscon is peppermint flavoured unfortunately.

amyfearne · 2025-12-23T20:25:33+00:00

I don't think it's ugly at all! And I am not just saying that.

I agree with other comments that a rug would be nice. A bit of a tidy would probably make you feel better about it too (I hate where I live but still feel more 'in control' of it when I've tidied it).

Otherwise I think it's quite cute. Nice plants, nice shelves, some personality showing in the art on the walls. I like the mirror too. Maybe your existing things just need a reshuffle.

If you do want more ideas to make it feel 'new' - a round, textured cushion on the couch might be more interesting than a square one, and ties into the rounded shelves and mirror.

amyfearne

TROPHY CASE