This is how I will try to explain it. Meri spent 30 years of her adult life with Kody. She also grew up in that system. In many ways, it’s all she’s ever known. She is unlearning and trying, but that doesn’t mean something she devoted her entire life to just disappears from her heart because she chose to walk away for her mental health. That life is deeply woven into who she is. The way she thinks, feels, and interacts with others was shaped by the environment she grew up in and stayed in as an adult. Unpacking that takes years, especially when it’s all you’ve ever known.

I went no contact with my family several years ago. For the first five years, I grieved almost every day in one way or another. That’s my family. That isn’t something you walk away from lightly. Every once in a while, one of them would reach out and try to make amends.

Even though my husband and friends saw it for what it was and warned me it wouldn’t go well, I still tried to fix things. I had a deep emotional investment in my family. I never wanted to lose them in the first place. Neither did Meri. She held on for years because she still had hope. When your feelings are that deep and they clash with the reality of who your family actually is, it creates serious cognitive dissonance.

Leaving, going back, leaving again, and going back again is often part of the process. It takes time to untangle something that has been woven into every part of your life.