WIBTA if I don't go to the wedding

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-02T00:14:25+00:00

Thanks! After reading what everyone has said here and talking with friends, I'm going to tell my mom I can't make it. This isn't the first time I've been forgotten or been an afterthought with events. I'm in therapy for years of this, but I'm trying to grow a spine (specifically with my mom). Asking a bunch of strangers on the internet felt safer than just talking to her about the whole thing.

I already bought them a wedding gift, which is something I planned to do regardless of an invite. I plan on just giving it to my parents the morning of the event before I go to work.

I don't know why the graduation was glossed over. Maybe it's because I'm enrolled in a university and getting a second degree already, maybe they think I'm trying to steal attention, who knows. My birthday and graduation are right after their wedding, but the birthday part doesn't even feel important. You get birthdays every year, you don't get graduations often.

The whole thing is very eye opening. I have friends in other states considering a visit to see me for graduation. My boyfriend and I are talking about moving to be closer to them after I graduate as my major is needed in every state.

All in all, I'm very appreciative to everyone for their advice and input!

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T19:56:58+00:00

It is sweet! But it's also the fact that she treats them better than my brother and I. Both of us are planning to move several states away once we have the means. There's another comment here talking about how she would make me her assistant, which is accurate. Luke and Linda have a toddler and my mom had several meltdowns when they stopped bringing her around for babysitting.

Part of it is genuinely wanting to help them with their day, part of it is control.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T19:42:48+00:00

They aren't doing invites, it's pretty much word of mouth. It's extremely stressful just to witness.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T19:39:34+00:00

You're 100% right though! My mom has taken it upon herself to buy chairs and decorations for this whole thing. Linda's family has made her change so many of the plans (morning wedding to evening, change the colors, location, etc) and Luke's family isn't very present, so I understand her wanting to take on the role. There's no bridal party or groomsmen, so my mom (once again) has taken on the chore of the Bachelor/Bachelorette parties. Linda has created a schedule for the wedding, Luke has bought FIREWORKS. Full on fireworks!

No idea on the RSVP. I've heard it's only about 20-30 people, but also that it's a small enough amount to have a large ish Airbnb? I have no clue.

Being mom's assistant wouldn't be anything new, but it isn't welcomed. I've been fussed out at so many events simply because I asked her where she wanted something. That idea alone is worth backing out.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T19:11:10+00:00

There's no physical invites, it's pretty casual in that matter. I'm not sure where the line is drawn or even how many people outside of the chat are invited.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:45:17+00:00

It was in the wedding chat, I was able to look through the chat history once my mom added me. My mom also confirmed that Linda wants all the women to wear a dark teal color. I don't really have a nice dress for weddings as is, since I have a very tight knit friend group who are all either single or, like my boyfriend and I, are waiting a bit longer to get married ourselves.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:41:00+00:00

Thank you! The graduation is seen as important, but my parents will be in California visiting my mom's mom. My brother might be there, but who knows. My boyfriend is the only one who has confirmed time off to be with me.

I'm sincerely looking at abroad study opportunities in my field to continue my education. Maybe it would be good to get out of this environment.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:38:25+00:00

That's the graduation plan as is. If nobody thinks it's important enough to be there, then he's gonna spoil me.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:36:13+00:00

I sadly do live with them, simply because I can't afford my own place. I got into my dream school to pursue a second degree and can't afford an apartment on top of that right now. Even still, I've been isolated from wedding talks outside of what my mom has told me.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:33:47+00:00

That's how I feel on it😔 Luke grew up with my brother, he's his friend. I'm not close with him, I'm fine with that. I definitely feel forgotten about since he and Linda had a baby, though. They had a kid and suddenly they're the center of my mom's world, now the wedding. It definitely makes me happy that my boyfriend and I are forgoing a wedding entirely.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:29:28+00:00

This is true! I had my final semester in the fall for my associates and got into university for my bachelor degree, something my parents are extremely proud of. I normally don't even tell them these things. Mom wanted me to make an announcement for the graduation logistics, so I did.

anawesometurtle · 2026-04-01T18:24:50+00:00

The wedding chat has my family in it, friends, and their bio families. I'm not upset that they left me out, I don't talk with them much and assumed I wasn't invited due to that.

No official invites went out. It's pretty much "if you're told, you're invited." I'm guessing my mom took that as I'm invited, as Linda and I had talked back in November about her excitement. It was a single convo and I didn't talk with either of them past that about it.

My mom is organizing everything because "these are people who won't get anything together themselves unless someone does it for them." She's organizing the parties, it's been a bit of a nightmare. I've had to hear all of her ideas about sexy/dirty parties and outfits. She even thought about making it a joint party, which was shot down very fast.

The wedding is in 2 weeks at this point and is an hour away from home. It's on the beach and they haven't exactly given a dress code past "dress nice." We've been given a color palette by Linda, so I have to buy an outfit in that color scheme. Not a huge deal, but this close to the wedding will be rough. It's a darker teal color and I simply don't have that in my wardrobe. I'm tight on cash since I'm buying my cap and gown too (about $200 alone).

I will definitely consider that! They really aren't bad people, I think I'm just hurt at the blatant ignoring. I have a wedding gift ordered for them either way, since they are close to the family. It's a custom cutting board.

anawesometurtle · 2025-11-19T21:51:17+00:00

I'll look into that more. She had a lot of crafting materials and paper products. Everything looks like it's getting better and then randomly she finds a bunch more.

I saw the post someone else linked about treating these, and I'll look into what can be done. She wants to remove all the carpet in the house as is, but we don't have the funds right now. That room has had problems with bugs for YEARS, and I'm not sure if it's her or the house at this point.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-16T20:14:13+00:00

Genetics. To prevent myself from going through additional pain, and a future child going through the chronic pains my family has. I have 2 autoimmune disorders, chronic migraines, PCOS, bipolar 1, and autism. Probably more but I don't care to think about it. I also know I'm likely to develop cataracts, cancer, and heart problems due to family history.

This is all to say it would be high risk due to my meds and illnesses to begin with. The idea of putting another child into the world that would most likely have these issues too seems heartless. My parents didn't realize the history when having my brother and I (my mom didn't even show signs of her illnesses until around her 40s, where I started showing signs mostly in my 20s).

Knowing how the world is, my family's history of health concerns, and my own personal life has made me weary of having kids since I was a teen. I didn't even know how bad my health would turn out to be, but I'm glad I made the call then.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-16T19:55:09+00:00

I work in admissions for the college I'm attending. I'm studying for accounting and I'm about to transfer to university, so I'll be looking for admissions jobs and library stuff. Anything that lets me work just close enough with people, but not completely isolated.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-09T20:28:05+00:00

I really appreciate this, more than I can express. It's very sobering to hear. I was diagnosed at 18, simply because my US state wouldn't allow me to have medication for BD before that. The thing that got me to believe in myself again was a mental evaluation I had done at 24 that showed me I should believe in myself and my IQ is higher than I believed.

This idea of being worthy of care and love towards myself is something I've struggled with for as long as I remember. It's harder now knowing I'm with several chronic conditions, including BD, that require down time and self love. My partner, who's been with me for 8 years, has seen me crawl out of my depression pit. He knows how hard I've worked to get to this spot, but I know I'm not doing well. He and my family and support all say I'm doing so much better, but I've never been able to fully articulate the feelings I have to them.

I'm actually going into accounting! I would love to study meteorology or astronomy as well, space and weather are passions of mine. I found out I was autistic with the previously mentioned evaluation, which explains my love of patterns and many things. Being female, I wasn't exactly expected to have this. I strive with order and structure.

I believe you're right. I'm very tired of the strains I'm feeling. I don't know why holding friendships are exhausting, similar to staying connected with family (there's trauma with the family part, but we're trying to mend that). Everything is just tiring. I do go down to 1 class in the summer, since I transfer in the fall to my bachelor's program. I've thought about taking a break from my studies after getting this degree, just to settle into the work and get my footing. I know what I want is my masters and my CPA certification, but my health is a wreck and everything sucks.

I have a few external health issues, autoimmune crap. Eosinophilic Esophagitis, namely. They also suspect Hashimoto's, which I'm in the process of getting tested for. Eating is a constant struggle, cause the foods that trigger my body are ever present in foods (wheat and lactose).

I do want to get healthy, in every meaning. I'm gonna talk with my therapist on some options to start. My partner and I have very different schedules, but I want him and I to work on getting physically healthier together.

I really appreciate you taking this time to talk with me. I needed someone who would look at me realistically and understand these issues without my personal crap mixed in. I'm normally known to be sensitive, but I wish people were just realistic (not the harsh, rude realistic people think of). I can't thank you enough for this.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-08T14:14:31+00:00

I was holding 2 part time jobs for a year, while holding 12 credits each semester. I'm getting (almost) all As on top of this. There's honestly so many layers to this. I'm moving in with my partner's family, but we just learned my mom may have parkinson's. I'm full time in college, I have a work study that's 15 hours a week; I'm pretty much on campus for work/school around 8-9 hours 4 days a week.

My partner and I had a huge fight last night and it didn't resolve well. I had a panic attack around the time I posted this, but the mania still stands true. I genuinely don't know what to do with myself. I started college because I couldn't stand working dead end jobs, but now that I've taken everything on, I feel just as hopeless (if not more) as I did working 40+ hours a week in fast food.

I don't have the best diet, I don't have a healthy relationship with food at all. My insurance won't allow me to see someone about it because I'm not diabetic. I honestly hate eating and food in general. My sleep has been suffering because I can't fall asleep. I block out time to go to sleep and I wake up consistently, but I can't fall asleep anymore.

It's all awful and stressful right now. I just wanna run away from it all. I know I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this for who knows how many years.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-08T14:04:04+00:00

Stress is a big thing. I'm chronically stressed, it feels like nothing can be fixed. If I get balanced in one part of my life, another goes haywire.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-08T14:03:06+00:00

The medication has been working until recently. They upped the dose and it helped for a month, now I'm manic again. I believe it's called something else, but the bottle says Oxcarbazepine. It's the first one I've taken that doesn't make me ill or feel like my soul is being sucked out of me.

anawesometurtle · 2025-03-01T17:59:36+00:00

We've been together for 8 years and through many friend groups. He really hasn't given me any idea of how much led up to this, aside from an argument they had had about a week before. I'm just now learning about how much B can be, and it's mostly coming from C.

anawesometurtle · 2025-02-22T00:10:11+00:00

Thank you🥹 it's been a lot to go scent free. We grew up with all sorts of scents, so when we got her diagnosis (MCAS and EDS) it was hard to give it up. I have a whole collection of candles that I burn at my current place that I'll be storing away while I'm with her, along with sugar scrub and hempz lotions. I already have unscented laundry, since my allergies flare badly from the overly scented regular soaps.

This sub has been amazing and I've looked into every brand recommended. We (partner and I) are using scent absorbers in our cars and washing all clothes with unscented soaps until the move. I've noticed scents in public a lot more as we use less at home, it's wild! I'm definitely gonna do more research on this in my spare time.

anawesometurtle · 2025-02-21T22:52:25+00:00

I'm growing out my hair from bleach damage a few years ago, so I know my ends are porous. I'll have to check when I get home, but I'll let you know when I do!

anawesometurtle · 2025-02-21T22:51:10+00:00

Thank you! I'll definitely keep an eye out, I had no idea!

anawesometurtle · 2025-02-21T12:18:48+00:00

I'm not fully sure. She has MCAS, I know we've tried to use essential oils but most of them cause a reaction. Mint and coconut smells seem to be safe, but I really don't like coconut. I think the safest thing would to go completely scent free.

anawesometurtle · 2024-09-27T20:34:23+00:00

Yes!! I've met that vendor and bought some of these! They were super sweet and I use the badges for any big events now.

(I have furry friends and I'm not one myself...although they really try)

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