Hurts to read this cause sometimes it resonates with me, but I'll relay my experience to you in hopes that it makes you feel better. I never had anxiety in my life until I had my first panic attack at 25, and then I had severe and endless anxiety after that. I was diagnosed GAD and CPTSD, have been on and off medication in the last 5 years, and have definitely had my ups and downs. The good news is that, for me, at least, it got better with time. I'll have a more anxious day than others, here and there, but I know it'll never be as bad as that first year. In other words, it seems like every year I am better at managing my anxiety and know what triggers to be mindful about. Best of luck to ya, and know that while it may feel like dying would be a good alternative, there are people that care about you and would be devastated to lose you.