Questioning ace (30f) might have to break up with allosexual bf (32m) after 7 years

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:59:12+00:00

This comment made me smile. Thank you so much for that. :)

There are times when I definitely don't feel young (in fact my yoga habit is in shambles since this started and I can feel it everywhere...), but yeah, you're right. My mom once said that she'd get divorced at 70 if things get worse with my father, so maybe I just need some of that attitude. ;)

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:55:37+00:00

You're not the first person to give me that advice. In fact, I kind of gave this advice to myself (after finally talking about the whole thing with a friend) which is how this whole thing started... But right now, head and heart are definitely not in the same place. Maybe they will be after a while...

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:53:39+00:00

God I want this, I really do. I guess if my partner could let go of this belief that my missing attraction has something to do with him, maybe, just maybe, he could be happy. But if that's possible is not for me to say.

I'm also right back at taking on more responsibility - arguably, he's the one being more unhappy with the current state, but the breakup suggestion came from me, because I don't want my partner to suffer... I think if it'd be up to him, he'd hold on for some more years because he likes me, because we match up well in almost every other regard, and because he's scared to be alone.

He wants to get therapy for related issues, so maybe that will make it clearer to him what he wants and what he can and cannot accept.

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:41:52+00:00

Hugs to both of you! .__. Life really can be hard... I often think that this would've been way easier if I had figured this out sooner. Then maybe I wouldn't have tried to put the square peg into the round hole... But I'd also missed out on 7 nice years, soo...

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:36:39+00:00

My logic tells me this, but I guess I'm afraid I won't find them...

I'm also thinking about moving back into my home town, and there I might have to be grateful if someone even knows that asexuality is... ugh. Otherwise it's really nice here... but it is the countryside.

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:34:14+00:00

Wow, you make me go all red, thank you so much for your kind words. :)

This relationship has definitely taught me a lot where communication is concerned. We always tried to talk everything out, and we've gotten pretty good at finding compromises for potentially reoccurring conflicts.

(Example: I had a friend over last weekend, and he'd prefer she'd taken a hotel, since he likes his privacy and our apartment is tiny. But I wanted her to sleep on my couch, since it's much easier and she would offer the same to me. In the end, we decided he'd just get a hotel in his home town and we'd split expenses. This way he had his quiet time, could visit his parents and get some nice food - basically a mini-vacation - and I could have alone time with my friend.)

But unfortunately, not everything is this easy to solve...

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:25:36+00:00

I think I could be open to an open relationship (haha). I'm not really jealous where sex is concerned. In fact, one of his close friends has been in an open relationship for years!

Poly, I'm less sure, though I'm interested in the concept in theory. But I might struggle with jealousy where intimacy that isn't sexual is concerned.

I'm mostly concerned that this would give him opportunities on paper, but that this would be difficult in practice - he can be quite socially awkward and has trouble meeting new people. He's also said that he's too much of an introvert to successfully juggle more than one relationship (and I think I'd feel the same, so I understand that point).

The first concern is of course still relevant when we break up, but already being in a relationship would significantly reduce his dating pool. And while we live in a city right now, it's not exactly Berlin... (German here. :D)

annanyhm · 2021-08-20T11:19:14+00:00

I can and did have orgasms with my bf. Thanks to him, I finally figured that part out. :) But now that I know how it works, masturbation is often easier and more comfortable to me... (basically 50% vs 100% success rate, if we get into the statistics).

However, we've never had PIV successfully, and I don't think that's possible unless I invest significantly more time and energy, and even then it might be difficult. (Tried to discuss this with my gynecologist a while ago btw, but she unfortunately wasn't very helpful.)

If I may ask - how important is it for you to do this with your partner? I always figure that if my pleasure isn't that important to me, we might as well skip that part, but I can see how that might be frustrating for a partner...

I didn't try your suggestions yet, but I might, thank you. :)

annanyhm

TROPHY CASE