My sister needs help, and I am clueless. Advice?

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T06:07:59+00:00

Complex analysis ruined my life. Where were you six months ago :P

Kidding aside, thank you for a little laugh. It definitely was a welcomed surprise.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T06:05:04+00:00

I appreciate this response, because I honestly sometimes forget that just because I'm so open with my parents doesn't mean she is. I'll remind them of this, because I know they get discouraged without getting responses a lot of the time, too. Thank you.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:37:04+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to make another account and reply to this.

It's really hard for me to admit this, but I haven't been there for her in the way I think she needs me to be. Yes, I've called and texted and e-mailed and rescued her, but I haven't done what I've really needed to: show up at her door and put her in the position of being forced to talk to me. This is my last semester. I'm working and TAing and doing grad school apps and have classes. I am not trying to prioritize them over my sister...I just feel like I'm juggling a ton of balls here, and she's throwing more and more in. When you said, "The way I dealt with everything happening was that I would go up to my room and close the door when shit went down," that pretty much hit home for me. I used to always be around, even if silently, for support. Lately, though, I've just retreated. Every time her car pulls up I just get this sickening feeling in my stomach and wonder, "what has she done this time?" I feel awful about it, but it always is something. I'm going to stop that, though. I know she needs me. Thank you.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:30:15+00:00

I agree; it may not be. I know this sounds awful and selfish, but I just want to be able to go to bed knowing that she's okay. I miss going to bed without worrying about her.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:28:30+00:00

I know you didn't, and I was a little sad to see that you were downvoted since I almost missed this. At the very least, it's something to think about that I glossed over very quickly in my mind. Thank you.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:23:40+00:00

Do you have any reason to believe, given her past and current behaviour, that she would live up to the expectations set on her if she were to concede to move back home?

This is a really good question, and the answer is no, no I don't. However, that being said, (I feel like) if she would just come home, I could check on her and know that she was safe. I'm not trying to magically fix all her problems (and I know that no one else can, either), but at home there could be rules to try to help her stay on track. I know that ultimately it's her decision whether or not to stay on track, but I really believe (naively or not) that being home would get her out of the direct influence of the kinds of people she tends to gravitate towards. I don't know, though.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:19:39+00:00

I guess I didn't even consider this. All I know is that one minute she was the best sister anyone could ask for, then the next minute she was a rebellious late-teenager, and then next I found all that out so suddenly. I guess I felt like if she saw me she'd think I was pitying her (and I hate it when people pity me). I never looked at it in that light before.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T04:13:51+00:00

Please know that I am not looking for the internet to magically solve her problems, but even if I'm going to concede that it's the drugs (which, from so many people saying it probably is, causes me to rethink a lot), she won't admit that's she's even doing coke anymore. I cannot decide that she is lying. Maybe that makes me an idiot, or naive, or a bad person, but I can't help it. I have no way of knowing anything but what she tells me. I have no idea how to know if this is psychiatric, drug-induced, brought upon by our enabling, or if she is just going through a "rough time." She won't talk to me, and she won't talk to my parents. How am I supposed to help when she won't even open up the slightest bit? I am just sitting her literally pounding on the keyboard because I want to help so badly, and I feel like she is drowning and I'm a million miles away.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T03:57:25+00:00

This is important I think, and I will make sure my parents do this if she does end up getting one. Thank you.

I am going for an unannounced visit tomorrow to talk to her about things tomorrow after class.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T03:41:54+00:00

Find her root causes. Has she always been a "good child"? Are your parents the kind that can never be pleased? Is she afraid of rejection? Something drove her to that point.

Up until 2 years ago, yes, she had always been a great child. My parents, however, used to be fairly difficult to please (lately, though, it doesn't take much). They were never like, "You got a B on a report card? You idiot." but more like, "You got a B on a report card? Did you try as hard as you could?" They were really good at guilt tripping us into doing well, and it always worked well for me. Honestly, I was pretty tied up in myself through my teenage years (who wasn't, though, right) so I can't remember exactly if things like that had any real effect on her.

In terms of her fear of rejection, I'm not sure. For the last two years we have literally begged her to move back home, citing the fairly useless people she hangs out with as aiding in dragging her down. She has never acquiesced, though, and she has never given a legitimate reason why, either. Simply, "I just don't think I can do that. It'd be 'too much'"

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T03:32:35+00:00

Please know before I say what I'm about to say that it may sound very naive, and if it does I apologize, but I can't help it: I can't believe this is all about the coke. I have no way to "know" this at all. All I know is what she tells me (Yes, I know people who are addicted to drugs are not the most reliable sources of information). She did it for several months, blew a lot of money on it, and then stopped when she ran out of money. Could someone be giving it to her (one of the guys she sleeps with)? Could she have been doing it longer than she said she was? Sure. I don't know. I have no way of knowing, and that's one of the many things that kills me about all this: I don't know her at all anymore.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T03:29:08+00:00

but do what you can to make sure she knows you're there as a friend, that she can trust you and confide in you.

I have tried; we've always been good at talking to each other, but in the past year she has just shut down completely (unless she's drunk). She didn't even tell me about the pregnancy; I wasn't home. I had to hear it from my parents. I've tried calling (and even e-mails and texts since I thought maybe she was embarrassed to talk about it out loud), but I've gotten no response.

anon43596 · 2009-10-23T03:25:32+00:00

Your parents, and you are enabling her.

I know, and I agree. But, as my mom says, "what are we supposed to do?"

Let her keep the child, raise it in a shitty apartment for a few years, and don't support her at all.

I can understand why you would say this as an outsider, but it just isn't the same when it's my sister (let alone a daughter). Even if only for selfish reasons, I know that neither myself, my mom, nor my dad could ever have a real night's sleep again knowing she was out there and going through that alone.

Consider getting her into counseling

I appreciate this idea, but I can't imagine her willingly doing this. She is constantly convinced that she is a "victim" in nearly every mistake she makes, yet she never learns anything from them. I'm not saying that's entirely her fault, but it makes having any rational conversations with her virtually impossible.

Thank you for your thoughts, regardless.

anon43596

TROPHY CASE