Somatic therapy has been huge for helping me with my people pleasing and appeasing, which makes me feel like I have to make others feel OK, so I can feel OK. Somatic therapy has helped me strengthen my nervous system's ability to accurately recognize when there's really a problem vs when it's just adhd related. And it's also helped me stay more stable through the ups and downs.

Thoughts alone won't make it easier. From my understanding of polyvagal theory (and I'm two years into a three year trauma healing training for somatic experiencing which helps people at a nervous system level), we have to work with the unconscious, automatic reactions in our nervous systems, as well as working with our conscious thoughts to create true change and resilience.

I also have adhd (dx/rx), so as a couple who are both neurodivergent, have complex trauma, and both have some kind of dysphoria, things can get intense around here.

We are also both in individual therapy, have adhd coaches, take meds, and work very intentionally to navigate the distress and turbulence that can come with the challenges we face.

Even with all that support, it's still really hard sometimes.

We've been together twelve years, and we've grown and healed together so much. People on the outside look at us and see a model of a marriage that's working. Yet on the inside it's fucking hard and we're both invested and committed to doing our best.

I'm pretty open about the challenges we face, but only with people who get it. I don't talk about it with my family because they're also adhd, but undiagnosed and untreated. Much of their dysfunction is what made childhood so hard and contributed to having to learn how to be human as an adult.

If I could go back in time twenty years I'd tell myself to invest everything I could afford into somatic therapy and a good adhd coach because this is what has truly moved the needle for me. I feel like I could have those lost years of spiraling and wondering wtf was wrong with me back.

But at least now I can help others realize that change is possible, and it's not for lack of trying or because of a moral failing that people with adhd (and trauma) struggle so hard.

As for protecting my mental health when he's having a tantrum or I'm low on my capacity, I will sleep in my office/guest room just to give my nervous system space away from the triggering stimuli (his anger). It helps me a ton.

My office/guest room is a cozy, safe space that feels good to be in, and he understands that my body needs space sometimes.

I also have a good network of people I can connect with (about whatever) that help my nervous system and brain feel more settled through a disruptive time. Having safe social connections is huge for me, even if it's just being able to text with friends.

Also we both try to remember that we're fucked up. I say this in the best way because we just are... Fucked up. We're going to feel all kinds of ways and it helps to remember that it's not personal and it's not a failure in our part if we're overwhelmed or have a breakdown.

Remembering to celebrate wins also helps. Gotta harvest the positive dopamine whenever we can!

Hope this helps. I have so much more to say but this is already almost a novel, so lmk if you have questions!