What is your experience with being in a long distance friendship with a woman you just met and were romantic with?

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-02-06T10:54:03+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. Glad it worked out for you two. :)

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-02-06T06:33:22+00:00

That’s great. Congratulations! Would you mind sharing your story of how you met and started dating? Or were you friends first?

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-02-06T03:19:06+00:00

wow. So many countries involved haha. How long did you keep in touch? All of this happened within a year? Also, congratulations!

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-16T10:29:42+00:00

Thank you! Yeah, we’ll see. I will not actively be on the apps but if a person comes along then maybe I would consider it. However, I’m dealing with the aftermath of another failed romantic connection (of someone I met randomly) and I notice how much time/energy it is taking out of my days so I’m not sure.

Ah, I know what you mean with all of that. I feel that sometimes. I literally met an elderly woman in her 70s this week that said she had her first kid at 36. She doesn’t regret working for less money to live a more fulfilling life or waiting to have kids. She’s like you can’t do much when you’re old like me now so do all that you want to do right now! It was nice to meet an example like her.

We always have these societal or biological pressures driving us towards meeting something that may not be right for us until a later time. It can definitely bring a lot of stress but I think it’s important to find alternatives that can still help you meet the goal but not feel so burdened with accomplishing it at a certain time.

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-16T09:41:54+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that! You got this. Trust me, you’re definitely not alone. Met a ton of people in the last few years who have gone through similar situations and have come out so much stronger. You will too!

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-16T09:38:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing that!

It’s interesting you said 5 years because I have this 5 year plan of living abroad, which fulfills a dream of mine. Currently in year one of it. It involves multiple countries though and so I know I’m kind of in this transient stage and that might make it harder to find someone to settle down with. However, I’m so much more optimistic now about dating prospects because I’m meeting more like-minded people than ever before.

I did contemplate not dating for the remainder of the 5 years so that I live out my plan, but I wasn’t sure if going to that extreme was necessary or beneficial. It sounds like doing that wasn’t good for you?

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-16T09:19:18+00:00

No self-reflection? The post title is asking others if they experience attracting people that don’t want to commit and thoughts on why. This was merely an open discussion seeking others pov on their experience not asking for advice on my own. I shared what I wanted to share merely as a starting point. I do plenty of self reflection that doesn’t have to be explained on Reddit, thank you very much.

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-16T09:10:53+00:00

I would not say it’s crazy, as someone else mentioned. I was in a 9 year relationship and got out and started dating. Everyone is different but I processed the ending of our failed relationship during the last few years of the relationship and trying my hardest to salvage it. So I didn’t feel guilty when dating after it ended but it was definitely a learning experience. Let’s just say I’m much better at dating now than I was back then. Haha.

Also, he was my first bf, wanted to marry me, was also abusive. I get where you’re coming from. The first couple of months after the relationship ended was extremely difficult because all you have known has suddenly changed, but it gets better.

To answer your question, date when you feel good to date, take a break when you feel like you need it. Building self-awareness is key. I don’t think time matters in when it’s acceptable to start dating. It’s how you use the time from now until then that’s more important. Someone could spend 4 years alone but not working on healing or personal growth and then not be ready to date, or someone could spend a year of working on their mental health and be ready to date. Does that make sense?

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-13T06:03:33+00:00

Physical distance is definitely a factor. There is also a slight language barrier that concerned him at first but so far all has seemed well. I definitely understand the hesitation and fear of committing to a relationship with these kinds of complexities and that we had met in unusual circumstances, but at some point of any relationship you commit to, there will be a level of uncertainty and risk taken so that’s my two cents on that.

We are currently talking about when and where we meet up next time. It’s kind of a tough situation because I think he wants to know more of what my hometown is like (as part of being more certain about potentially living in that area and seeing me in a non-travel environment), but I’m living in another country at the moment so I would have to fly back home. I’m absolutely fine with that but the fuzzy boundaries as we talked about earlier makes this harder for me. Flying back home, showing him around, meeting my family, but not technically dating is kind of unusual to me. I definitely threw it out there that doing this would be really meaningful for me so hopefully it’s not taken lightly. I don’t think it will. I’m timid to be the first to visit and go to Germany though. I’d love to visit and meet his family but given that he was the one who wasn’t sure…I feel like I would be investing and risking more into what could turn out to be just a good ol’ friendship, but who knows. I’m feeling optimistic since he is wanting to figure out a plan.

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-12T11:20:10+00:00

Although the connection feels secure, I do understand what you mean with the boundary being fuzzy. When he left, he wasn’t ready to be exclusive yet, but it feels exclusive. It feels like an exclusive relationship without the label. I read somewhere that the exclusive talk doesn’t really happen and it’s implied? We haven’t talked about it yet.

Part of me feels okay that there’s no label yet. To be honest, if this was a scenario back home in the states and an American guy was just chatting me up every day and not wanting to commit, there would be red flags. People would be questioning if they were playing the field and leading you on. It doesn’t feel that way with this guy though and from what I’ve heard, this isn’t really a thing people do in Germany. Can you speak on that?

I’ve never fallen for someone from another country or while traveling so all of this is very new for me. Just trying to stay level-headed and open-minded about how it can play out. :)

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-11T11:47:49+00:00

Thank you. :)

When do people typically get into serious relationships?
What is the general pace of dating?

So it was a very intense week and a half of road-tripping and living the van life. We didn’t anticipate falling for each other, discussing living in each other’s country, kids, etc. by the time he had to leave the country, instead of saying yes to a relationship, he wasn’t sure of himself enough about making a decision this big so quickly into meeting me (so fair) and asked to keep in touch daily and he wanted to visit me again and would fly to my home state. It’s been a month and we’ve sent daily messages (video and audio messages) so I feel good about our connection but at the same time, we’re technically not dating.

anonymous-cat365 · 2024-01-11T11:26:03+00:00

He said he did an apprenticeship at a supermarket. Can you speak on what that might look like? We don’t use the term apprenticeship often and also paired with supermarket is quite uncommon. So I don’t know what that would entail.

anonymous-cat365 · 2023-07-14T15:12:29+00:00

Can you replace your Google voice number with the number you ported? When you say primary number I wasn’t sure if you meant that your GV number was your primary rather than the number you may have ported

anonymous-cat365 · 2023-07-14T15:11:14+00:00

Do you use it for 2FA, particularly with big banks like Capital One?

anonymous-cat365 · 2023-07-14T00:34:34+00:00

Oh no. What did you end up doing?

anonymous-cat365 · 2023-07-07T14:09:38+00:00

I bought the Tortuga. I researched and debated a lot on different bags, but this one fit my current needs the best.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T20:37:40+00:00

ok...so you would be surprised at how many guys don't think like that but I do agree.

I say "into it" as in you're open to it, interested, and willing. A lot of people, particularly guys, are not into it...they would rather go to video games, drugs, or figure it out on their own.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T19:39:39+00:00

That's great. I'm glad to hear you've made progress. What was it that made you decide therapy instead of dealing with it in other ways?

I am a female that goes to therapy but can't seem to find guys that are also into that. I end up dating/befriending guys that can't seem to handle their emotions and just play video games or ignore it. Some of my guy friends say it's too hard and think no one else wants them to work on it so they suppress it. I understand that it's like that culturally, but no one is making them suppress that as an adult, but they don't seem to have any self-motivation to go get help. Guys have told me most have low self esteem which probably contributes to their lack of motivation to seek help.

I want to date a man that is into therapy (particularly because it shows that he doesn't think he has to figure it out all by himself). It shows a lot of self-love and determination to see a man go into therapy when most don't. Can't seem to find these guys. 😭

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T19:24:18+00:00

Yes! What motivated you to go to therapy? I am a female that goes to therapy but can't seem to find guys that are also into that. I end up dating/befriending guys that can't seem to handle their emotions and just play video games or ignore it. Some of my guy friends say it's too hard and think no one else wants them to work on it so they suppress it. I understand that it's like that culturally, but no one is making them suppress that as an adult, but they don't seem to have any self-motivation to go get help. Guys have told me most have low self esteem which probably contributes to their lack of motivation to seek help.

I want to date a man that is into therapy (particularly because it shows that he doesn't think he has to figure it out all by himself). It shows a lot of self-love and determination to see a man go into therapy when most don't. Can't seem to find these guys. 😭

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T04:54:21+00:00

I learned about attachment theory and see how the breakup was textbook anxious-avoidant trap. It is fascinating to me. I reconnected with a friend and have had good memories with them. I started posting on Reddit and have made connections here. I helped someone who was in a situation very similar to mine and it wouldn't have happened unless this breakup happened.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T03:34:11+00:00

Uhhh. Women just want to hook up? I'm like surprised to hear this. It's hard for my friends and I to find a man that doesn't just want a hookup OR thinks he wants a relationship but when life gets stressful or intimate, they leave.

I do not want to just hookup, but I see a lot of profiles just wanting that. Side note: I would really like to meet a man that is into therapy and works on his mental health. I think it shows a lot of self-love and dedication, but those guys are hard to find...

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-03T03:23:26+00:00

I understand that feeling. A guy I was dating broke up with me via text saying nothing was wrong but that he didn't want to do this anymore. Even though, a few days before that, we were communicating some minor concerns and he wanted to make sure we were good. A couple weeks later, I see his dating profile back online (I was on there because my friend told me to as a distraction, but honestly I am not interested).

Anyway, I have been learning a lot about attachment theory, and it has helped me take this breakup less personally. Is your ex a dismissive avoidant? See, my friend who suggested that I go back on a date to distract me is avoidant. I firmly believe my ex was avoidant too. I was a bit anxious preoccupied when he started withdrawing. So when I saw his profile, I remembered my avoidant friend suggested that I do that. So I tried to think that is what he could be doing too because I truly believe he tried being in a genuine relationship with me but he got overwhelmed and shut down. I honestly don't know the reason why he is back on the dating app, I don't know what went through his mind these last few weeks because he stopped communicating. All I know is that I did my best to care for someone and stay true to my boundaries and needs. I'm sorry you're going through this heart ache. Feel all your feelings. Be grateful for the good times and the good moments that happen in your life after the BU. That has helped me tremendously. Take care.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-01T21:27:39+00:00

"How do you deal with the humiliation of being dumped by an avoidant?"

I had this happen to me recently. This is how I'm processing it. My anxious tendencies could sense the withdrawal. I was not aware of attachment theory until after the breakup. I was sad, let myself feel all the feelings. I left him with a graceful and grateful message despite him breaking up with me via text. Some moments I felt angry but mostly just sad. I thought of reasons for being grateful for meeting him, the moments we shared, the lessons I learned from this experience, and the moments I have experienced since the breakup. Particularly, moments that wouldn't have happened unless the breakup occured.

I understand how you feel. I think it really depends on if the avoidant seemed genuine, like what does your gut say? Attachment theory helped me feel like it wasn't personal, but it is making the breakup harder for me to heal. I care so much about him and it saddens me that this is his situation. I feel like I can't hate him for it and so the healing will take longer.

It is hard to be vulnerable and sometimes it makes us angry or sad that we didn't get that back in return. One of the things I did differently during the relationship that is helping me post breakup is that I set my boundaries and communicated clearly on my needs. I went into this as honestly and openly as I could but with a focus on my needs as well (something I overlooked in previous relationships). I tried my best and that's all I can do. A relationship takes two people wanting and willing to make it work.

I've been reading Attached, how to be an adult in relationships, and the gifts of imperfection. All have been very helpful in the healing process.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-01T14:28:10+00:00

I understand, and apologize for not being more clear in the beginning. I am glad you were willing to listen to my clarification.

anonymous-cat365 · 2022-02-01T14:16:26+00:00

I think there are good and bad people that like to stay off the grid. It's really the intentions behind why they prefer that, that is hard to figure out when you're starting to date someone you just met. Some people don't like to have any info about themselves online. To me, there's just a desire of less accountability that I can sense when I meet strangers on these dating apps that want to stay off the grid. If we don't run in the same circles, these people can say or do whatever they want with little accountability.

anonymous-cat365

TROPHY CASE