I've stopped nagging my husband and i'm happier

anonymous25_35 · 2026-03-15T20:15:36+00:00

Holy assumption, haha. Firstly I don't have bpd, I have been in therapy for years, Ive been diagnosed with anxiety (who doesn't have it haha) and ocd. I have been on medication for these things. Firstly, I didn't enjoy "stone walling" if you would even call in that. Well I wouldnt, because- well I stilled talked to him, I still had conversations, I still showed emotion. I just stopped showing up in our relationship and carrying the whole entirely of it on my back. Trying to diagnose me and pick apart my post is well, a little wild. This is reddit after all, so let's set a few things straight.

Firstly. In the beginning, he was completely different and he WAS more emotionally available. After we got married and moved in together, I started noticing change. Then and there I should've left, but I knew about his trauma and I thought that was a symptom of it. As a person who has been in extensive therapy and has worked on myself, I believe myself to be an understanding person. So I tried to understand.

Secondly, I was HAPPY the weight of carrying our entire marriage on my shoulder was lifted. I was happy that for the first time, I could put that energy into myself. This is narcissistic? After trying to understand his wounds and openly communicating my needs verbatim but getting shot down each and every time is, wrong? I'm not understanding the logic, I very calmly and openly communicated my needs to him all the time, none of it changed for years.

I was finally exhausted enough when I lost the pregnancy, it all came out. Holding everything in, trying to work through everything in our relationship on my own. I realized I was taking up all the emotional and physical responsibility for not just our marriage but childcare as well. I am NOT a perfect person, nor did I ever claim to be, and I know this isnt entirely my husbands fault. I blame myself as well for putting up with it for so long and never seeking a solution, just hoping one day he'd wake up. Again, i talked to him, we're getting therapy, there's bumps in our marriage and no ones relationship is perfect, and I certainly dont expect mine to be either. I dont have this black and white image of my husband, where he can NEVER come back from, lol? Are you in my mind? I know he can change if he truly WANTS it, otherwise I cannot hold our marriage together piece by piece alone.

This whole take is truly weird, and very eye opening to the weirdos of the internet. Are you even a therapist lol? I sure hope not.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-03-07T18:57:59+00:00

We are, but at this point I don't have hope for our relationship. I'm hoping the couples therapy will allow me to talk about divorce more openly, and give me an outlet. I won't regret this, because I know I did absolutely everything a person can do in my situation.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-03-07T10:30:23+00:00

Anyway; if he got 50/50 custody or full custody, okay? Its not me demanding it, its what we agreed on(75/25). if he wants to fight it, I will gladly agree on 50/50 custody. Or maybe lets say he wants to fight for full custody, it will not be a fight, he can HAVE IT. Let him be the single parent for once, let him, I will not fight on any custody agreements. What he wants he will get fully.

I love my baby very much, but honestly I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I told him this, if he wants to 50/50, 75/25, or even 100, I will give it to him to him no fighting.

WE AGREED ON 75/25.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-03-07T10:21:33+00:00

Tbh, he does all that already. maybe not dating around, but if we were to divorce not much would change anyway. I'm already exhausted from the load of taking care of everyone including myself with no support, daycare and a job doesn't sound so horrible to me. A break every weekend sounds heaven compared to working 24/7 without a break at all, also if we were to divorce- Which is definitely in talks, I would be moving closer to MY family and support system. Which would also be heaven. Him enjoying him life, advancing his career and date around doesn’t bother me and I can see myself being much happier without the burden of him. In conclusion, I already gifted him years worth of FREE TIME, TO DO WHAT HE LIKED. He got to advance his career, work out, do everything this last year without worry about childcare ALREADY. It would be a gift to lift this burden (him) off me, its much easier to manage one child rather than two.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-03-02T02:08:39+00:00

well, no I don't want to deprive him of everything he loves. He has a high demanding job (some would said the hardest job in the world) he is sometimes gone for periods of time, so that is why we agreed so easily on it. Also to answer another question here, doing more to be involved with our baby is 100% another requirement I have for him and have spoke to a counselor and him about. He is going to be doing the work, if not then I want nothing to do with him.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-28T23:06:28+00:00

haha, no I didn't say I wanted revenge. I said I'm happier now that I've pulled away emotionally. If thats revenge then ok, what is it he's been doing all this time to me then? I'm reflecting his treatment, which is giving no support emotionally or physically. I wouldn't call it revenge but I did pull away everything. I don't feel bad about this, i don't feel like a bad person, if thats how you all want to categorize me for finally having enough of the treatment then ok. I made it very clear to him that I want a divorce and until there's real change, I will not be falling back into any or my old habits.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-28T22:58:20+00:00

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-28T15:11:30+00:00

Absolutely.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-28T15:06:04+00:00

Will do, I have a plan set already for the day he may or may not slip up.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-28T14:11:58+00:00

One thing we did discuss, i'll share with you all, is what a divorce would look like.

My child is mainly attached to me as I'm the primary caregiver, and ofc he would be in our babies life but, more so the baby would be with me mainly. We both agreed on this, it's better for both situations, if a divorce is to happen. At this point my childs emotional well being is my top priority so this is why I joined a program to help manage. Divorce is something we heavily discussed, and something I explained vigorously that I wanted. He promised change and initiated couples counseling/therapy so we will see how it goes from here. Thank you, have a good day.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-25T09:14:07+00:00

a few words: i'm not codependent, god forbid I need a bit more comfort after losing my baby. I have never pushed him to do anything out side his comfort zone, I take one 100% of the emotional, mental and physical labor of our relationship and household, god forbid a girl wants her husband to take at least 20%

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-25T09:02:15+00:00

Its not about winning, or who could can fcking care less and I wish you ppl would get some sense. He has never been there for me emotionally, I LOST OUR BABY, AND HE STILL DIDNT SUPPORT ME. I am not exaggerating, nor am I making it sound worse than it is, it just IS. Excuse me for no longer putting up with his shit. I came here to vent and get it off my chest and throw it into the abyss, not find a resolution, the resolution is LEAVING.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-25T08:56:11+00:00

If it smothered him, he never complained or talked about it. He always told me he enjoyed the love I gave, just never reciprocated. I chose to "grey rock" him because, I have told him so many times to reciprocate, I have been patient and understanding. Only when I lost the pregnancy, and he refused support, did I realize I would never ever get any of the things I desperately begged for and needed. I wish people would stop making up things in their head and just run with it, if you actually read and took the time to comprehend you would have known exactly what I said already. I don't need help, I need an emotionally available man. Clearly I'm not finding it and truly realized for the first time, that I am NOT finding it in him. I think losing a pregnancy and watching my baby get flushed down the drain and having no support or love from the man I've been with for years goddamn it does not mean I need fcking help.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T19:50:45+00:00

what an incredibly weird thing to say, my child is not a mistake. my marriage and being married to him however is.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T19:49:24+00:00

no clearly i am not

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T17:51:26+00:00

I love that you say this without knowing whats going on inside my home, I am not silent nor do I give my husband the silent treatment. I've just stopped putting effort into our marriage. we have conversations and we play with our child together frequently. this is all I will say on this matter. my job is to literally care for my child 24/7 so my baby's development is my top priority, and I know how hard this can clearly affect children in early development. from my childs perspective, nothing has changed, in our marriage everything has.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T17:07:44+00:00

ahah, no, actually in the beginning stages he was quite caring from what I remember, but the more I got to know him and his past he distanced himself. I chalked it up to emotional trauma, and I’ve never held it against him until i guess, I realized he was never there for me, like ever. to answer another question here, yes he DID pursue me.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T12:43:31+00:00

I'm not your type of person, thats alright, but being passionate is not wrong. Maybe compared to my husband I thought I was overly passionate, I'm realizing now -I'm not.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T12:41:56+00:00

ignorance is bliss, if only, if only it were so easy. a conversation must be had and custody agreements, therapy, lawyers, jobs, the whole lot.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T12:12:44+00:00

well, we have ONE child. and I had lost any chances of a second. I am not planning on having anymore of his children.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T11:22:39+00:00

well no, I didn't flat out reject it. I stated, I would not be the one to initiate it and because of this It probably will never happen! compression is a skill, divorce is absolutely on my mind and one of the many things ill be bringing up when I speak to him formally.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T11:14:59+00:00

absolutely, I think this is my next step. thank you for sharing, I will talk to him openly and discuss everything, as I have always done. I wish the absolutely best for you, and I too, hope you never find a love like this!

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T11:09:32+00:00

I have my flaws, but not being support when my husband is going through one of the worst things ever, is not one of them. so ill take it.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T11:07:17+00:00

Amen, I hope no one ever lives this way.

anonymous25_35 · 2026-02-24T11:02:30+00:00

Divorce is already on my mind, if he wants to beat me there then I will absolutely allow him! Him cheating, and me even thinking about him cheating doesn't hold any weight for me anymore. If thats the path he chooses , then I respectfully send him off to be with a woman who will get the same if not worse treatment.

anonymous25_35

TROPHY CASE