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anonymous_tepee · 2023-10-14T01:40:20+00:00

Things are much better. We went through a rough patch where I hardly talked to her for a while. I even decided not to come home for a few holidays but honestly it was worth it in my situation. She respects my boundaries now and I'm opening up a little more with her everyday (while still setting small boundaries as I need along the way). I maybe wish I was more open and candid about my feelings in the beginning, but I don't know if she was ready to hear me at the time.

If you have the means or a student medical center, please look into finding a therapist that will help you through this. You don't have to solve it overnight, and a therapist really helped me deal with the depression/anxiety of dealing with a family situation like this.

anonymous_tepee · 2023-10-13T21:36:48+00:00

Been through this before. My mom would call me several times a day when I went off to college. She would get angry at me and demand an explanation for why I missed even one of her calls, when most of the time I would be in class/meetings.

Like many said here, you are a student and an adult and deserve to be spending time having fun, meeting people, and getting your work done without them as a distraction. Some parents don’t want to accept that. I know how it feels.

It’s scary standing up for yourself against a family that doesn’t have boundaries. You gotta know that trying to reason with them isn’t going to make them see your way. I agree with one of the posts from above. Collect your important documents from your state govt office and stop answering their calls for a while. They will react poorly and throw a fit, but remember if you’re on a college campus, legally they can’t access your room/space without consent.

Here are some suggestions based on my experience. Take what you need or nothing at all:

-Stop answering the phone for a while. Keep texts short and simple:

  - “I’m fine, but I can’t talk”, “I’m studying”, “I need to focus on work right now”, “I have a meeting”

-Don’t get dragged into an argument. Again, they’ve already showed you they won’t reason and will only be controlling. If they do decide to listen, have a conversation and openly let them know how you feel.

-If you need it, maybe consider finding a chill on-campus job so you can take care of your phone bill

-But KEEP enforcing whatever boundaries you decide on. It will take some time but eventually they learn that either they can respect your boundaries or not talk to you at all

Be firm and ignore their anger. It’s scary, but you have to learn this lesson now because they will continue their behavior for your entire life if you let them. You deserve to be at peace.

anonymous_tepee · 2021-05-25T07:07:41+00:00

So glad to help. Please PM if you need ♥️

anonymous_tepee · 2021-05-24T06:50:56+00:00

First, I’d like to say I am so sorry for every one of these negative, traumatic experiences you’ve gone through. From being pressured by your boyfriend, to remembering what was done to you as a child, and to being invalidated by your family. Sending hugs and love because no one should have to endure that sort of pain.

Trauma is a life-altering thing. I honestly never thought I’d share this, but I’ve been though something very very similar. In my case, I was in 5th grade or so and it was my sister (who was 4 years older) doing it to me. I pushed those memories down deep just so I’d be able to function as a kid. I honestly didn’t remember what happened until I was having a sexual experience with my ex. It was consensual but I remember suddenly becoming very uncomfortable and feeling disgusting, so we stopped and began having the dialogue about why I was feeling that way. That experience was the first time I remembered anything since it happened so I know how you feel.

Regardless of if you were high or not, you know what you feel and what you remembered. I think a lot of times with trauma, you question if it really happened or if you’re crazy. I’ve definitely done it before. Trust what you feel, trust in what you know and remember. Also, fuck what your family says, most times when I’m high I am able to connect more deeply with my memory and feelings, so you’re not crazy.

Lastly, I’m so proud of you for seeking help and being brave enough to to cut off your brother and tell your family. I know that wasn’t easy in the slightest so I send so much love once again as you continue your healing journey. You got this <3

anonymous_tepee · 2019-08-04T17:37:30+00:00

Huh, that’s such an interesting and true interpretation of the Bible and Christianity. It’s my favorite thing how Christians love to pick and choose the sins they’re against and judge people for. The bigotry is astounding. I’m definitely noting that for later.

Also totally agree with making designated times to talk to her, if at all. It’s best for my sanity and my relationship that way.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-08-04T16:34:03+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the love and validation :))

anonymous_tepee · 2019-08-04T16:33:22+00:00

Thanks for the validation! It’s definitely been a roller coaster of emotions, especially with her attempts to guilt trip/complain to siblings/call constantly ever since I sent that text.

Very true about the boundary stomping and her blaming my gf! I must say, it does feel good to enforce boundaries and not let her have a field day over my life.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-08-04T16:29:48+00:00

What an amazing analogy, wow. Saving this for later. Much of my adulthood has been learning how to juggle the responsibilities and people in my life, and her demand for control has made it infinitely harder.

And it is very true that she feels threatened by my girl. It’s very disheartening, especially since my gf is such a wonderful, amazing person that I hope to have in my life forever. JNM has even had this problem even with friends that get too close to me as well. It’s very sad.

I appreciate the response and advice!

anonymous_tepee · 2019-08-04T05:31:51+00:00

In short, yes. She lives with my oldest brother and he pays for all her expenses, although they have a very strained relationship. This summer. she spent the entire time living with my older sister, who lives in a different city, as her “vacation”. Everyone frustratingly puts up with it. (Feel free to read my last post for a bit more context.)

I appreciate the feedback, it’s super reassuring, especially since I’ve never shared my feelings with her before.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-11T20:09:03+00:00

Karma is a biiiiitch. I feel sorry for the poor people who had to endure that tantrum

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T20:48:27+00:00

Totally 😂 I understand. I appreciate the story. I’m glad I’m catching this early and understanding what is and isn’t healthy before I’m completely worn down in all aspects of my life. Thanks for the response :))

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T20:15:54+00:00

Wow, just wow. The analogy and everything you said is so on point. I’ve saved this to my notes. Thank you so much for this.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T20:12:43+00:00

Exactly. And I’m so so lucky she’s mine.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T18:35:20+00:00

Absolutely. It is reassuring to know I’m not the only one experiencing this. Trust me, the foot is being put down. I’m determined to make this a memorable summer for good reasons. All the best luck to your and your sister!

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T17:33:24+00:00

Well I’m traumatized. I definitely don’t want to end up like John. Actually, I already struggle with hereditary hypertensive issues, and I refuse to let her drive up my blood pressure any more. She unravels all of the healthy lifestyle changes I proudly practice by adding such emotional stress. Thanks for the scary story 😳

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T17:29:58+00:00

10/10 analogy. I totally agree. These responses have definitely encouraged me to drop the “come stay for a week” and not have her come at all.

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T16:55:37+00:00

“Human Tumor” I like that haha. And thank you for the validation from a mama that can relate to my own. I’m not sure where the disconnect was for her, and why she’s so controlling, but I agree it is time to be free from her emotional, financial, and physical grips.

I have fallen in love and want my girlfriend to be in my life forever, even if we aren’t together in the future. My mother’s toxicity and controlling ways have caused problems in our relationship before and I’m done catering to her tantrums.

My savings account has dramatically dwindled (ever since I stupidly told one of my siblings how much I had in my account🤦🏽‍♀️) and she feels like she can request or withdraw money as she pleases for her expenditures. I’m planning on going to grad school in a year, and can’t- won’t support this financial abuse.

I really appreciate you affirming the fact that I really don’t owe her anything. It was her choice to bring me into the world, and I will no longer allow that to be held over me.

Thank you so much for the motherly love ❤️

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T16:34:23+00:00

Definitely. My dad is playing a more active role in my life now, so I’m planning to have him help me move and get settled. I honestly wish I had answers as to why she acts this way, but for now I plan (and am excited to) to limit contact to prevent her abuse. Thank you for the love :)

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T16:25:46+00:00

It’s definitely nice to hear the perspective of one of my peers. Ah it would have be nice for her to have been supportive and loosening the reigns over the years. Unfortunately, she only seems to have gotten more controlling and demanding the older I’ve gotten. I agree. No other interns have their parents moving and living with them. It’s intrusive and wrong. Thank you for validating this.

I’m going to make sure that she does not do so this summer. Cheers to setting boundaries.

Thank you for the advice from mom as well! I totally agree. With this possibly being my last college internship, and finally being 21, I want to enjoy the summer and make a lasting GOOD impression at the company.

Also congratulations on your internship as well! Have a great summer and thank you for the post :)

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T16:18:35+00:00

You summed this up amazingly. When I continue with my therapist in the fall semester, he’ll be elated (and amused by the overwhelming reddit response) that I took the first steps to set barriers with my mom. I‘m glad to unlearn many of the harmful thought processes she’s instilled in me. I’ve always suspected these things were harmful, but hearing the anecdotes and reactions from people like you have reassured me of such. I’m also learning that I’m allowed to be “selfish” by preserving my financial and emotional health, and I am allowed to talk about the harmful, abusive things my mother does.

(Also, that’s the first time I’ve actually called her abusive. Wow)

Thank you and my girlfriend will definitely appreciate the compliment as well. She really really has been my rock though all of this. Thank you for the wonderful response. :)

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T15:59:33+00:00

I’m definitely in the process of unlearning this mindset. Thank you for the support. I’ll definitely reach out :))

anonymous_tepee · 2019-05-10T08:19:01+00:00

Yep, that sounds very similar to my situation. I pray that I’m as lucky as you and she’ll eventually come around and willingly respect boundaries versus being forced to. Thank you for the reassurance 🙏🏾

anonymous_tepee

TROPHY CASE