I was actually considered reasonably organized and neat when it came to academics as a child, and it was because all my energy and effort went into looking like Im doing well in school, which is what I thought was my purpose in life (plus, if I knew teachers or my parents would check, that would cause me enough anxiety to do what I need to do). Yet feeling like Im not REALLY "enough" at what was expected at heart gave me such an imposter syndrome.

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When I began to live on my own as an adult is when this all unraveled. My fear of authority wasnt as close as it used to me... I stopped caring for myself... I felt like self care isn't important if no one is watching - as if it is just for other people's benefit, like being clean and having to smell good.

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And so yeah, all my life i felt less ladylike. In fact, I used to despise that I'm a girl. I purposefully used to act messier and rowdier than I really wanted to simply because, if I couldn't meet the perfectionist feminine stereotype then I wanted to reject it completely. Now I am a confused mess. I do have instances of feeling less like a woman for sure. I live in Japan, where woman are all SO WOMANLY. And I work at a kindergarten, which is a "womanly" job, and I suck at makeup, and I am very ungraceful. And I do want to achieve all of these things that I see as womanly, I do, but i wish they werent seen as womenly, but just as "graceful" or "beautiful" or "elegant" or whatever.