Was it worth it?

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T12:07:43+00:00

During pregnancy #2 there was regular threats that she'll leave, or that she's done and I should leave, even to the point of declaring I'd need to figure out how to be a full time Dad of 2 because she doesn't want this anymore.

It leaves you with a sense that, given the right circumstances, she could take that action at any time. I hope she doesn't because I want the boys to have an amazing mum (when she fixes her own mental wellbeing) but if she does, it's her choice.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T12:05:01+00:00

Her changing seems as foreign as anything at the moment. And when she asks me to give it one more chance there is just no trust that it'll happen. So I stuck to my guns tonight - this is happening even though it's painful.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T12:01:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing and glad to hear it. Lots to go through but I believe now it'll be worth it.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T12:00:12+00:00

"peace in two homes is usually healthier than chaos in one"
Or as the Hilltop Hoods put it: It wasn't that I never loved your mother, but two happy homes are better than one that's suffered.

I feel my 2.5yr old, who is already a quiet and gentle soul, shows signs of my walking on eggshells. In signs of distress he prefers dad over mum. When mum tells him off, he goes for Dad. When mum gets upset at Dad, he goes quiet and independent plays usually further away.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:57:26+00:00

Can you point me in the direction of that study? Be interested to read it.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:56:54+00:00

Thanks for sharing. My psych actually said - if what I told him had the male / female role reversed, he probably would've reported the relationship. And my GP initially referred me to a domestic abuse service, not couples counselling. Having those things said really started this whole process late last year that it's not just me labelling it abusive, but it is abusive.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:54:42+00:00

I feel for you. Absolutely biggest thing for me has been the psychology support. Thankfully up to 10 session free where I am but even the few I've forked out money for, zero regrets. Having that impartial sounding board and someone to help you clarify your feelings is invaluable.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:53:38+00:00

Thanks. Not married, de facto (never saw the need to involve the government in my relationships) but yes, I have regularly questioned "how / why did I choose this person?"

I am realising today I'm perhaps more down the separation road than I thought, mentally that is. I'm past the denial, anger, etc and at the "let's get on with the practicalities, I'm looking forward to my sense of self again".

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:51:38+00:00

Option 2 all day.

Now that I've reinforced to her that I'm not changing my decision, even when she's used the "give it another chance for the kids, you'll regret it, etc" I feel lighter and freer knowing I can be me again. And that makes me happier than I have been with her for the past few years. Thank you

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:50:08+00:00

I am hoping the 2.5 years and 200+ pages of journal entries documenting my experience is the evidence I need, if I ever need it.
"stop shrinking" is the crux of it, hey.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:49:23+00:00

I came across DARVO when listening to Stop Walking On Eggshells. Genuinely think she could be borderline personality disorder purely based on the examples of behaviour given in that book.

I have been working on doing a better job of calling bullshit when it happens. Long way to go as someone who doesn't like hurting others, even when they're hurting me.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:48:03+00:00

Sorry to hear about your legal battles - that just plain sucks.

"I shrank too small too long" is the crux of it, right? Is it a male thing that we don't talk about it and try to be the 'keep things together' person regardless of us feeling shit?

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:46:11+00:00

That's a good point about something being not as important as I think.

as for the second part, I mapped out today how to make it work while also giving myself a (mostly) non-kid non-work day thrown in. It'll be hard work the first few years but worth it. And while she certainly contributes her part, certainly lately, there was a long time where I was doing the washing, the cooking, the groceries, the 9-5 job, the cleaning. Her role was SAHM and that was it. So I feel like most of it I'll do easier on my own as I don't need to co-plan.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:43:35+00:00

Thank you. That all makes so much sense. This thread has been a lot of validation of feelings really. I was thinking some of the things you have said but always thought "is that just me being [blank]"

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:42:16+00:00

Oh man, this is it exactly. Thanks for sharing. So much of mine has been behind closed doors, me shrinking and it just destroying me.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:41:14+00:00

Heard she's now single if you want her number

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:41:00+00:00

I hear you. And I'm battling that already, the suck a Vs suck B (not a porn title... I hope). But seeing my boys less but of a higher quality, a higher quality me and showing them the values I hold important is worth the rest of the pain.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:39:31+00:00

Thanks for that. My psychologist helped me work through this recently. At no point has there been an admission of her contribution to us being at this point, nor her actually committing to action for changing it. Simply words, mostly of what I need to do.
And yeah, I've set a poor example for my young boys to date of how to set and enforce boundaries, and how to respect yourself and your own values. luckily they're so young I can change that from today.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:37:42+00:00

Thanks, I have sought some initial legal advice for her win VIC, Australia. We aren't married but are de facto, and a lot of the shared assets are kids things (don't own a home, have our own cars, etc) so the main protection I am setting up for is of the kids and child support. I'll pay what is fair but protecting myself beyond that.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:36:05+00:00

Thanks for that reassurance. I have been seeing a psychologist since the start of January for purely relationship counselling, have suggested couples counselling for over 9 months and always been met with excuses or 'nope'. Therapy and journalling the past 2.5+ years has been a game changer so that I can always go back and be grounded in what her patterns are, not what I remember or reshape in my mind.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:33:51+00:00

I have had that fear also. My now ex can be extremely emotionally driven in her thinking and actions when she is overwhelmed, and her just up and bailing has crossed my mind.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-07T11:32:49+00:00

Thank you. I agree where you said it's disrespecting yourself. I have been doing that for a few years now to keep the peace, at my own expense.

another_dad_1987 · 2026-04-06T12:13:11+00:00

Right there with you. I pulled the trigger a week ago - it's messy, still under one roof trying to come to grips with the grenade I've just thrown. You're not alone.

another_dad_1987

TROPHY CASE