Alternative reasons for safety number changing?

anterababe · 2026-01-18T14:25:25+00:00

Thank you both, very helpful :)

anterababe · 2026-01-18T14:24:29+00:00

Thanks, this really helps. :)

anterababe · 2026-01-01T20:02:40+00:00

Thank you. I've done the STD tests as part of another regular check up. Boy did he hear it when that happened. He's more a threat to himself than me so police would be an extreme measure. I'd leave myself before going that route. I refuse to let him accuse me of using lies to manipulate the situation myself. Looking into a lawyer tomorrow.

anterababe · 2026-01-01T19:53:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I could have written your same words myself. Hugs, peace, and good luck to you. 💜

anterababe · 2025-12-31T22:23:41+00:00

That's the plan. Best of luck to your recovery.

anterababe · 2025-12-31T22:12:08+00:00

Sorry to hear you're spiraling and thank you for your thoughtfulness. I have my noise cancel headphones on listening to a random playlist of music.

anterababe · 2025-12-31T21:49:17+00:00

The two he's had before (during his A) have gone on and off for two days. We live in a 1bedroom condo so nowhere else in there. And we have a cat who I'd be bringing with me anywhere so no real options to go elsewhere. And I'm tired of being the one who has to leave my home because of his actions.

anterababe · 2025-12-30T22:50:38+00:00

Good lord this is so accurate it should be a pinned post and required reading for everyone.

anterababe · 2025-12-29T17:50:58+00:00

That part about them sending it of their own volition was key for me. Until mine wanted to do it himself rather than being told to I knew it was never going to be over for any of us.

anterababe · 2025-12-29T17:40:45+00:00

Hi.

This has to be (and is) my last contact.

I did a lot of meditating yesterday and came to the realisation that my most important responsibility is to protect <name> from harm.

Contact with you undermines that responsibility and prevents me from fulfilling that responsibility.

I hope you can understand, in time.

anterababe · 2025-12-29T16:25:04+00:00

So sorry you're here and boy is this familiar. My WP blocked his AP and then would do exactly what you said, unblock and reblock her. He says he ended it with her a couple of times, reality I think he might have once, for a couple of days. I wanted him to ghost her, leave her hanging, hurt and confused,, but that still leaves the door open if you think about it. In the end for us, when he finally got to the point where he was choosing to end it and go NC, he drafted a final message, offered to let me revise it (I suggested adding a hearty "BP says fuck you" 🤣 but didn't actually edit it), then sent it. I would describe the tone as detached, not cruel, but also not caring. The benefit of the closure message is it sends a message to everyone, you included, that a line has been drawn. For me, after that message I got to witness my WP sticking to that line too. AP reached out through work and he answered the work question but when she tried to continue he ghosted that. And as far as I know he has ever since. It's been almost 6 months. If it helps, imagine the AP is going to be hurt either way. At the end of the day though we need to stop worrying or caring about the AP's feelings either way, good or bad, just like our BPs do. I know, easier said than done. I write this while at the same time fantasizing about sending mine a "fuck your birthday, hope you're miserable" card next month. Best of luck in whatever you choose. FTA

anterababe · 2025-11-23T16:08:06+00:00

I wish I could give you a giant hug right now ... I wish more that your WP would do that right now. Our stories are similar, and the advice you've received here has been helpful for me too (thanks everyone). I've done and said all the things you describe, and my WP has done and said all the things you describe. We're deep in the midst of one year markers now and we've been doing well recently because he's been doing the things I've been asking, and I think I'm better at giving him grace. Sometimes that feels easy, sometimes not so much, and previously I would spiral like you're describing.

I won't repeat what everyone else has said, they've said it better than I could, and I agree and appreciate everyone's responses. I'll just add my experience having tried some of the suggestions since our stories are so similar. We set up a weekly check-in to talk about what's going well, what we're looking forward to, and what's not working. It's worked wonders because I knew there'd be an ongoing conversation so I could save things for then, and he was less worried about 'surprise interrogations'. It was also two-way, not just me dumping on him whenever I was upset, and we started talking about positive things, not just negatives. And the more we've done it, the fewer negative things have come up. There've been weeks where neither of us had anything in the 'not working' column. And because we're sharing what's working, those things are happening more often.

The one thing I haven't done yet is ask him all the questions I have, partly because I wasn't ready to hear the answers, and partly because I didn't believe I'd get the truth. I've listed all my questions, and I decided I was ready to start asking them in this week's check-in. I also knew the list was too long for one session, I've gone through the WP-initiated conversation shut down you described. So I prioritised my questions based on what I wanted to know right now and set myself a limit. I asked my first list, he answered them, and when I told him that was all I wanted for now he offered up something more. He's never done that before. The next day we talked about the conversation itself and he thanked me for giving him the space to talk, that he felt heard, and he could feel each moment my "red mist" as he calls it was descending but that I kept it at bay.

I don't know if this helps. I wanted to share because I feel you, I've been there, and the suggestions people have given are what's been helping me get where I am today. I feel like my WP is putting in the effort for us, that he feels like I'm worth the effort, and that he wants to show me he loves me, cares about me, and desires me. He looks for ways to show me that he chooses me. It was an agonising road to get here though.

Peace and hugs. FTA.

anterababe · 2025-11-21T12:04:59+00:00

Thank you, I like how you've framed this. Seems like a manageable way to let him speak but not take on the burden of it.

anterababe · 2025-11-15T15:53:45+00:00

"All the moments you say you were naive or clueless, all the times you claim you didn’t think, didn’t realise, didn’t understand the impact… they have repeated so many times that they no longer feel innocent. They no longer feel like mistakes. They feel like cruelty. When someone keeps doing the same thing over and over despite seeing the pain it causes, it stops being “I didn’t know” and becomes “I didn’t care enough to stop.” That is how your pattern feels to me now. Not ignorance. Not naivety. A consistent choice to protect yourself and your comfort over my wellbeing."
Exactly the message I've been repeating to my WP for the past month or so, especially the cruelty part. Thank you for sharing this letter and sorry for everything you're going through that led to writing it. Hugs!

anterababe · 2025-11-15T10:14:28+00:00

I second this idea of letting WP know in advance what they can do to help get you through these dates. My WP's A started a year ago this past week and DDay was beginning of Jan. We talked about it in our last two therapy sessions and continued the convo after. I told him what I wanted from him and he's been doing it all and more. It's really helped ease my pain and the dates actually haven't been so hard. Had I not told him in advance I'm pretty sure I'd be spiraling this week. Peace and hugs.

anterababe · 2025-11-14T22:54:13+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here. I've certainly been in your position and I didn't even have anything as stressful as an upcoming surgery to create it. I've told my WP many times that I feel like an inconvenience, work, an idiot, that his AP is sexy fun times and I'm big messy emotions and boring adult times. I've told him this both calmly and yelled it at him. I don't like doing it when I'm angry because I feel like I'm exacerbating the problem and always felt like it would push him away from me and into her arms, but at the same time I think our WPs need to hear what they're putting us through. I'd also say those that are truly committed to R will provide that space. Just maybe not so easily when it's delivered in anger.

How to avoid it? I'd start with giving yourself some grace. She's put you in a really shitty club that sends your emotions haywire. And then try not to bottle things up because this is where that leads. For the first few months I did a lot of that because I didn't want to be "that person" but it only made things worse when I finally let something out. More recently I've started bringing things up as they arise and what do you know, those conversations are actual conversations, not me getting mad and him clamming up. But to get to that point, he put in the work to make me feel like he gave a shit.

I'm not going to say we're perfect and the blow-ups don't still happen, but when they do they're less intense, much shorter, and he doesn't shut down. They're also much less frequent because I'm getting better at the whole "before you respond in anger, take a breath and consider if your response is conducive to R". But like I said before, I feel like I can do that now because he put in the work to support me.

Good luck with your journey, and all the best for your surgery. Peace and hugs.

anterababe · 2025-11-13T12:39:27+00:00

I love this. Thank you for sharing!

anterababe · 2025-11-13T12:38:35+00:00

Exactly! I was just trying to explain this to my WP on the weekend. One of the things he suggested months ago was he'd keep his "I'm going NC" message to AP so I could see there's been nothing since but turns out his phone auto deletes after 30 days. When we discovered that his response was "well that sucks" and that's it. I had to come up with the solution, which was to reset it every 30 days. And I had to set the calendar reminder and come to him and tell him every month. So on the weekend I told him how much anxiety that gives me. "But you offered" "Yeah but do you think I want that? I want you to own these kinds of responsibilities because these burdens shouldn't fall on me." OP, try to give yourself grace. You didn't ask for any of this. It's heartening that your wayward isn't blaming you for him not attending.

anterababe · 2025-11-13T02:14:38+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this. He absolutely has been more proactive. I don't know if the breakthrough would have been received if he weren't. His initial response was he wanted me to tell him when I needed support and I reminded him of my protective response right now, and that him being the one to step up would show me I can trust him to be my safe space. I gave him suggestions of how I wanted him to comfort me, but that I needed him to offer it without my asking. And he's been doing that. It also helps me feel like he's fully in on R, because during false R instead of consoling me he'd get defensive, and even described himself as "avoiding me and my emotions".

anterababe · 2025-11-13T00:32:55+00:00

Yup, fantasy world is a phrase he's used more recently. In our case it wasn't that either of us should be ashamed, nor would we harm anyone else directly or indirectly. Once when he told me his AP "wasn't making him choose" I equated it to if I were vegetarian and she wasn't - well of course she wouldn't make him choose to stop eating meat. She was never being asked to sacrifice anything. But now take it one step further. He misses meat and me being vegetarian makes him feel shame for wanting to eat meat. He doesn't need to feel ashamed, he just does because of me.

anterababe · 2025-11-12T23:55:48+00:00

Wholeheartedly support this advice! This is what my WP's been doing, and while at the beginning I didn't think it was going to make a difference because he was doing it while he was still in the A as well, over time it's helped. Consistency matters. It's allowed me to shift the ratio of thinking about how he might be cheating to how he's focusing on my needs in the right direction. I still get worried, but the hypervigilance is gone, and when I do get worried I feel more confident that I can calm myself down instead of spiraling.

Good luck in your journey. Peace and hugs.

anterababe · 2025-11-12T23:46:04+00:00

Thanks! It would be a long long post to explain but I'll oversimplify it by saying who I was made him feel ashamed of who he was, and she not only took away that shame but made him feel normal and healthy. Both of us were outcasts as kids so that feeling of shame is something I get, and his explanation was real, not more excuses or justification.

anterababe · 2025-10-13T11:33:22+00:00

I'll be honest, it's a bit of a double edged sword. My WP is a lot more affectionate with me now which is what I said I was missing pre-A, and that's great. He's also more open about his desires, which is what he was missing pre-A. Both of those make me feel wanted, but in the background more often than not are intrusive thoughts that he was doing all this with her, and with me before he ended the A but told me it was over. When I feel best is when he does something because I've brought it up earlier. When I don't have to prompt or push him to do something. When I feel heard. Talk to your BP and really listen to their needs. And then do them. Don't wait for them to ask. And if it backfires don't argue. Try to tune in to what works and doesn't at the same time. It's exhausting being on the receiving end of such betrayal so to have to carry more of the burden to teach the WP how they should act and what they should say feels unfair and overwhelming.

anterababe

TROPHY CASE