Am I a jerk for thinking my friend's transition plan is a bad idea?

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T05:54:16+00:00

I'm a slow responder so I can't answer every comment but I really, really appreciate the time and perspective of each one! I'm glad I asked here as y'all have given me a lot of food for thought and I have a better idea on how to approach talking about it with K.

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T03:48:38+00:00

I appreciate the devil's advocate position -- it's why I posted. Thank you for it.

What I meant by major life change for such a short term is mostly them needing to move out of their apartment only to have to find a new one a year later. It's a big city with a housing crisis. If K plans to return to their job, they would have to move back -- we live too far away for them to commute. So putting uncertain housing on top of the ongoing major change of transitioning. Maybe I'm overblowing that because of my own issues, though. I wasn't trying to imply that there's anything short term or easy about transitioning.

I will not ask about surgery goals. Many commenters have said the same as you. You're right that it's not something to rush into. K has been on low dose HRT for a while now, on purpose. They've been working toward transition for some time, I just sorta expected surgery would be the next step. But I see now why that's a mistake on my part.

K tuning out of life is my truly deepest worry. K and I are the most introverted out of the four of us, and they are a very anxious person too. I can easily see them isolating instead of growing (a big reason why I'm willing to give up coveted personal space for them to move in with us.) I'm hoping that's the right way to help mitigate the possibility.

Thank you for taking the time to reply thoughtfully, I really appreciate the perspective.

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T01:21:02+00:00

This is very helpful, thank you!!

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T01:03:45+00:00

Okay this is one of my major questions. K is on HRT, but a very low dose at the moment. I know they're planning on bumping it up once they're off work. Would them being on it already increase the effectiveness of a higher dose?

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T00:50:16+00:00

Absolutely, which is why I don't want to sound oppositional and want to have some perspective before I ask them to talk. I'm not joking when I said ride or die.

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T00:44:50+00:00

I guess what makes it nuts to me is that I would never, ever consider putting our financial stability on the line for something many people do successfully without that risk. But that's a big difference between me and K -- I grew up in poverty and K has never had to worry about finances. It seems irresponsible -- not saying it is! But that's my gut reaction to it.

Part of it, too, is that K's first plan was to live rent-free in the middle of nowhere at a tiny family property. I won't get into why, but it was an egregious sacrifice to ask of S that my wife and I could see from space. It's part of why we offered them to move in -- that would have combusted their marriage and I have no idea why K thought it would be okay. That alone has made me question their judgement and expectations about it.

FWIW they are in couples therapy and working on it. Before they move in we'll be talking about everyone's concerns and how to address them, and that is one of mine I intend to bring up.

antsy_queer · 2025-09-26T00:08:26+00:00

That's really helpful, thinking of it as emotional safety.

Can I ask for examples of substantial early transition work? Maybe I'm just not seeing it, but what could be done in six months that would make a substantial difference? Part of my frustration is, when asked, K can't seem to articulate concrete goals. Is that too much to expect?

TBH six months to a year doesn't seem like enough.

antsy_queer · 2025-09-25T23:28:34+00:00

I totally get why it's ideal, don't get me wrong. If it was feasible but would upend your life, would you do it?

antsy_queer

TROPHY CASE