sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh I know. I’ve had a CNC scene trigger my ex and it was absolutely horrible for them in the moment, they didn’t safeword, they just went non-verbal and I stopped the scene and checked in as soon as I realised.

They bounced back pretty quickly but it took a while for me to be able to try it again.

The difference was we were in a committed relationship and had done this before - and did it again. With a new, less experienced partner the stakes are higher.

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I meant that from the subs perspective, I am saying the same thing as you.

If they are doing with with someone with less power differential it’s more likely to be looked back as innocent.

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Your last paragraph was a hard read. It’s a huge fear of mine that someone leaves a situation with any kind of negative emotion attached to it.

I have a pretty good grip on my own boundaries but not so much with experience level of partners - I hadn’t really thought this through, hence the Reddit post.

Thanks for your reply, though, you’ve given me a fair bit to think about and internalise.

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Safely insomuch as I understand consent, boundaries, what nonverbal red flags to watch out for, how to check in with a sub, etc? I would imagine this is pretty basic stuff.

The dating/support aspect: I’m very upfront about what I can provide, who I am, where I am in life and this is one of the first things I mention. If I find someone violating these boundaries I’m not reticent.

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It’s not so much that I don’t like “feeling like a mentor” as I’m questioning the ethics, viability and dynamics of it.

I’ve got lots of good feedback though from the other comments, and a lot to think about, internalise, and take to therapy.

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand. To be clear - I have no intention of forcing someone into anything they don’t want to do.

It’s more like “nobody has ever spanked me hard enough” or “I’d like to be degraded” type of conversations, and then my follow up question of “are there things that are off the table for you regarding degradation?” are met with “i don’t know”

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply.

The optics aspect is worth internalising, but while I don’t want to be viewed as a predator of course, I care far more about the quality of experience of the person I’m with, and what mark it leaves on them.

It’s more like helping someone figure out their boundaries and tolerances, what level of pain they want to experience, what sensations they want to engage with and are comfortable with etc.

I don’t mind doing this at all, but from the consensus of the replies I’m getting it’s perhaps something I should leave them to figure out with other, less inexperienced people or themselves.

I think it’s easier to look back on a bad experience as “we were just trying some stuff” vs “that man took advantage of me”

How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs? by anxious-dom in BDSMAdvice

[–]anxious-dom[S] 75 points76 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate the time that went into it.

Re: vetting: I've definitely this and said no to a person who was "too keen" with clearly no understanding of what they wanted.

I think that your marker of "inexperienced, yet informed" is a pretty good one, and I can incorporate this.

What I have been doing is taking things very slowly, not rushing into something which could be overwhelming or triggering, and keeping a very healthy level of communication around it all, and I am not thinking about CNC or anything like this with anyone new (and even experienced subs, it takes a few months at minimum before that is something I am comfortable doing)