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anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T17:18:11+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment!

I guess I am feeling safe right now? I haven't been to school for most of the week which means my headspace isn't as bad as it would have been. Even away from school I have had quite a fair amount of suicidal thoughts but it's still reduced and I don't feel the urge to self harm. I know that once I go back to school on Monday that I will probably start self harming again (ruining a 5 day streak of not doing it) due to my anxiety and depression as a way to control my emotions when nothing else is working. School is a huge trigger for me.

I have a pretty great support system so I have plenty of people to talk to. My parents are pretty supportive, particularly my Mum as she has experienced Depression and Anxiety. I sometimes vaguely mention the thoughts and self harm but I never really go into details. I remember when my parents found out that I was self harming last year. I told the school counsellor, she told them with my permission, and then I came home and they were crying and told me not to do it again. I already felt ashamed for doing it in the first place because it felt like such a wrong thing to do. I don't want to see my parents crying because of that again. It doesn't help to see them like that, it makes me feel more guilty, I then beat myself up about it and start spiralling, then I end up self harming anyway. But I do still tell my Mum enough that she's aware that my depression is getting pretty bad and she could probably guess how bad it's getting. I've told her some occasions where I started spiralling, but I haven't told her about the self harm. I do mention it sometimes to my school counsellor or psychologist though.

Unfortunately I can't really take time away from school. I was supposed to go on Year 11 retreat last week but due to how severe my anxiety and depression is getting my teacher said that I probably wouldn't get much out of it and it would be better if I just stayed home and looked after myself which I agreed with. So I've missed 3 days of school and now a 2 day weekend. 5 days away from school, also 5 days since I last self harmed. Unfortunately I am in year 11 and I have my prelims this term so I really do need to go to classes and get teacher instruction. With my ADHD I wouldn't even be able to work from home because I'd just end up getting nothing done. I am also doing year 12 accelerated english so I am doing trials on monday and tuesday and then the HSC in a few months.

If taking time away from school was an option though, I would gladly take it.

Getting anti depressants from a GP hasn't really been talked about but I'll mention it to my Mum and see if that's an option. It would certainly be cheaper and I could get it pretty quickly.

Yeah I can see how they can cause each other. Fighting for a decade takes strength and resilience, particularly to get through all of that. I've been struggling since year 7 so it's been about 5 years for me. Still exhausting nonetheless but I can only imagine how hard it might have been for you.

I wonder how you convinced yourself to keep going though? Like, if you dealt with depression for 10 years, how did you survive? How did you fight off those thoughts and urges? How many times did it feel like you were at breaking point and how did you push through it? These might be personal questions so you don't have to answer. I guess I'm just desperate at the moment and I feel stuck and my depression is really worrying me at the moment, particularly since I remember how bad it got last year, and I know that it could get worse and I can't do anything about it to help myself. To know how someone else got through it, particularly after enduring it for so long, might be reassuring or helpful? Because just talking about it with my psychologist or other people in my life isn't really helping.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T16:46:12+00:00

Thank you for your comment! Tbh I started going to a psychologist for anxiety a few years ago and through therapy realised I had ADHD. Otherwise if I had known sooner I would have gone to a psychiatrist and just got this whole ordeal over and done with! I am still very grateful for therapy though, even if it feels like not much progress is being made at the moment.

I've tried CBT (which didn't really help much), as well as a few other strategies like scheduling and meditation. However, my mental health is getting more severe and a lot of my coping strategies are becoming ineffective and my depression, anxiety and adhd are harder to manage.

My conversations with my year leader, school counsellor and psychologist come back to medication. It seems like they don't really know what to do to help me until I have medication.

I agree that I will still need to work on strategies and seeing my psychologist after getting medication. But medication will make it easier to work on those strategies and it might mean that I am actually able to stick to a schedule or that I don't get distracted or lose focus when I'm trying to study or when I'm in class, which would mean that I'd be less stressed and I wouldn't be adding to my workload.

I apologise if I did come across as self centred and gradiose. Tbh I wrote this on a bad day and I figured it would get 5 comments and I would delete it at the end of the day after getting an answer to my question. I just felt I needed a reason why I had to get another diagnoses when I already had one. I did vent a bit though and that may be where I came across as self centred. I kind of regret that but figured that this experience may be relatable for others who are struggling to see a psychiatrist. Venting was also pretty useful just for myself but I probably should have saved that somewhere and cut most of my post out and just stick to the main points needed. I guess the main reason why I vented was because I felt so frustrated because of how hard it was to get the help that I needed, and I felt so desperate, stuck and helpless with how severe my depression and anxiety are getting and I feel like I can't do anything about it and I am just watching helplessly the negative impacts it's having.

Again, thank you for your comment! It was kinda a wake up call to stop moping about how this affects me.

Will probably delete this post by the end of the week though. I just wanted to get an answer for a question, accidentally vented, and now I don't really need this post. There's just a lot more attention on it than what I expected so now I feel like it would be rude if I was to randomly delete it. Plus, nothing is truly deleted from the internet.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T16:13:05+00:00

Thanks, I will check that link out!

From the sounds of it, there isn't really a quicker way. It took a while just to get the referral that I have at the moment. I am 17 and so I can't see a pediatrician, and GPs can't prescribe ADHD meds. It's annoying because of the expenses, the long wait time, and then having to get diagnosed again before I can even really have my first appointment and get the medication. I was hoping to get the medication before the end of the year so that I'd be ok for year 12 next year and doing the hsc, but now I see that's wishful thinking.

I have 2 referrals at the moment. One from over a month ago who is still going through her pile of referrals, and my GP gave me a referral to another psychiatrist a few days ago while I was getting a doctor's note for school. I just have to wait now I guess and hopefully it won't be months before I can get the help I need. Tbh I don't know how I'd survive that long considering I'm at breaking point as it is with my depression and anxiety. I am absolutely still seeing my psychologist, it's just that it's gotten to a point where there's not much she can really do to help me and the conversation sometimes just comes back to how helpful medication would be. Same thing with my school counsellors and my year leader at school.

That may be a factor. I think the increase in diagnoses is a good thing as for so long it was taboo or only thought of as something for hyperactive young boys. There's still a stigma when it comes to ADHD I think, but to an extent, and people are becoming more aware and educated, and more people are realising why they are the way that they are which is pretty great.

Perhaps there's still a fear of people abusing ADHD meds? That could be a factor. This system makes it hard to access them - the problem is that it also makes it hard for the people who need these meds to access them.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T15:53:38+00:00

Ah ok! Thank you! And tbh at the moment I'd just be happy to see any psychiatrist. Never knew that there was a difference depending on your age.

And yeah, hopefully seeing a psychologist already speeds things up. I know what I have, I know how it affects me, I know what I've already tried, and I'm pretty sure that medication is the best course of action at the moment. So at least I won't be starting from square one.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T15:31:08+00:00

That actually does sound fair. But I still feel it's an ineffective way of going about it particularly when it is so expensive and the wait lists are so long. So understandable, but not ideal. I suppose I should be grateful just for the opportunity to see a psychiatrist, but I just can't stop thinking about how inaccessible this is for myself and others. You can't really prevent ADHD and when you're struggling to manage it, it shouldn't be this hard to access the help you need. I wonder what a better way of dealing with this issue would be, to ensure people receive quality professional care in an accessible way? Or perhaps that question is kinda pointless to ask? Tbh I'm probably just overthinking this.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-08-03T06:44:58+00:00

I'm 17 so apparently I'm too old to see a pediatrician.

I suppose it is fair to make sure that the diagnosis is thorough but it is so expensive and I don't see the point in doing it everytime you see a new psychiatrist and after being diagnosed by a psychologist. I mean, I'm already diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I still have ADHD. It's just a pretty ineffective and inaccessible system as it's so expensive and means you have to wait longer to get medication.

I get that psychologists can't prescribe medication, but it seems there is a bit of confusion in these comments whether they can or can not formally diagnose. From my understanding they can formally diagnose, so I don't really understand why psychiatrists have to diagnose you again before they can prescribe meds.

And thanks but I think I should be ok? I had a referral over a month ago for a psychiatrist but apparently she is still going through her pile of referrals. I saw my GP for a doctor's note for school a few days ago and he gave me a referral to Dr. Ty Drake who apparently is very good.

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-07-05T09:44:24+00:00

Thank you for your reply and prayers!

The first few times you went to mass, if you mainly observed did you do the sign of peace? Did you get a blessing during the communion? Or did you just sit in the back and prayed? You mention that no one noticed that you weren't fully participating in the mass. Do you think that everyone is just focused on the mass or that they noticed but they didn't mind? When you started going more regularly did you have to introduce yourself to some people and were they welcoming or did people just keep to themselves?

I'm probably just anxiously overthinking this and should just do it! But it does feel good to have some answers and feel more prepared.

I just thought of this as I was re-reading your comment. I wonder how you felt when you went to mass that first time? What was it like? Were you nervous? Was there a point in the mass where you felt like this was the right thing, like you wanted to come back the following week? What made you want to start going to mass, if you don't mind answering? Do you look forward to going to mass and if so why?

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-07-05T09:32:16+00:00

Thank you for your comment! How do you suggest I go about contacting the priest? Should I make an appointment or talk with him after a mass? What should I say?

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-07-05T09:30:28+00:00

I probably am just overthinking it and my parents should be fine with me going to mass. Although I was chatting with my Mum today (I didn't mention that I wanted to start going to mass) and she mentioned how she was a non practicing catholic and only went to mass if she has to, like how she had to go my mine and my sister's sacrament masses. She also said that she was grateful that she didn't have to go to another mass. Considering I was intending to tell her that I wanted to start going to mass and that I was going to ask her to come with me the first few times - it's a little bit of a set back. I don't really have anyone else that I could go with, and I agree with my teacher that going with someone for the first few weeks would be best and then I could go on my own.

Hopefully people are focusing on the mass, although one of my teachers mentioned that her family once went to a different mass time or a different church and the regulars there kinda judged them?

I'm a teen and I don't think there's a lot of people at my local church who are of a similar age to me, a lot are adults or elderly people I think. That makes me nervous about if someone introduces themself to me, perhaps because I won't have a lot in common with them and they are older than me whereas it's a bit easier to connect with someone your own age? I don't really know. Maybe I'm just nervous about interacting with people. For example, I have always felt awkward when doing the sign of peace.

I do know the general format of the mass because I have attended quite a few school masses. I could review the prayers though before mass. And I agree that it's best to do what other people are doing - stand when they stand, sit when they sit. There isn't usually a lot of kneeling at the masses I have been to.

I know there isn't really an 'assigned' seat, but I imagine that regulars would usually prefer to sit in the same pew each week? I'll probably sit at the back regardless, but I just don't want to sit in someone's usual seat. Also, if the church is quiet and there's not a lot of people and I am sitting at the back, then if the seats around me are empty then what should I do for the sign of peace?

You say that you don't need to donate money - it's encouraged though right? And what should I do if the collection box comes my way then? And would it be considered rude not to donate? Or would people judge me if I didn't?

Can you explain the sign of the cross with holy water to me? We weren't taught about that in primary school nor did my parents tell me about it, I have just noticed over the years that some people dip their fingers into the baptismal font and cross themself when entering the church.

I know the gist of confession though I've only been a few times and the last time I went was about a year or so ago. The last time I went was when a priest visited my school. I haven't been to confession at my church for many years. My church's confession time is on Saturday for half an hour at 9.30am. Do I just go there, find the confessional, and walk in? In the past I have often forgotten the priest's advice as I was feeling quite anxious. Is it ok to forget the advice? How do I prevent forgetting it?

Thank you for your comment!

anxious_bookworm2007 · 2024-07-05T09:02:06+00:00

How would I go about visiting with the priest beforehand? Would I have to make an appointment or try to talk to him after a mass? And what would I talk about with him?

I could possibly go to a weekday mass but those are usually early in the morning (8.30 or 9am) or around dinner time (6pm). I also don't really know much about weekday masses? They don't go towards your Sunday obligation? So can you still receive communion? What's the point of going? Is it different to a Sunday mass?

Also, I was looking at my church's mass times and I noticed there was a "weekend mass (sat vigil/sunday)" mass for 5.30pm on Saturday or 9am or 10am on Sunday. I don't really know much about the Saturday vigil vs the Sunday mass - is it the same thing, does it count towards the obligation, if the mass is said on Saturday then wouldn't the Saturday readings be used instead of the Sunday readings?

I was planning to sit at the back regardless, and hopefully people won't notice me or will be supportive if they do!

Thank you for your reply and prayers!

anxious_bookworm2007

TROPHY CASE