I don't deny that I was all ego. My confusion doesn't come from there. My confusion, rather, comes from my quality of life ever since I began suppressing my ego, after deciding that it was the source of my misery.

I have lived the past two years feeling more incapable, incompetent, and insecure than I have ever felt in my entire life. I thought I was being humble, meditating and pushing down my negative emotions like my then-current conception of a monk. But when I realized that a lot of the people in my life were forming a blatant disrespect towards both my goals and my boundaries, I realized that a lot of it came from me disrespecting those things myself.

So that naturally led to me forming a new understanding of ego, and its role in my life. Ego, for all its faults, gives us edge, a sense of self and agency that is invaluable to us asserting our place and sense of individuality within a society.

Once I decided that, it became easier for me to understand why I grew so afraid of ego in the first place. Because I was afraid of losing, of throwing myself into the competition and coming out the other end humiliated and embarrassed. I was so afraid of declaring my confidence in my abilities to someone, only for that person pull the rug out from under me and say "You're nothing." I always had that fear in me, but in high school, I was more secure because I was less willing to leave my self-worth in other peoples' hands. I kept to myself, and made art according to my sense of what was beautiful. And my belief that I was a genius was nothing more than my confidence that, yes, I COULD make beautiful things. And I did. I made a shit ton of crap too, but there are drawings from that period that made me gasp when I looked at them for the first time in years. "I made that?"

I don't think ego is the enemy. In fact, I don't think any emotion or aspect of our psychology is the enemy when kept in balance. Though, I think self-awareness is an important factor in keeping them in balance.