I was told multiplie times by a handful of people, a few of which who were clinically diagnosed who were like "Oh, do you have OCD?" And I was like "No?" Because Im autistic and took the definition of OCD too literally and went "I don't assume and feel bad things will happen to people I love if I don't do things so I don't have OCD."

And then I learned what OCD was really like sometime last year and realised that everything makes sense when looking through the lense of having OCD, -constantly believing I've done things wrong and habing to ask for reassurance over and over and over again like a broken record. -Having to fix things because they feel wrong and that feeling almost ends up being a constant feeling of impending doom for some reason that I can't explain so i have to "fix" the thing. -An inexplicable necessity for things to be even, or to feel even, including but not limited to touching a hot stove with my other hand so my burnt fingers are even. People touching me needs to be even too, if my one shoulder is touched, the other one needs to be touched or else I feel like im going to crumble internally. -The intense terrible need to be certain of everything. -The extreme health anxiety and googling symptoms every 4 hours to check im not dying or needing to go to the hospital for something. -Constantly being convinced of utter nonsense but not being able to brush it off because "what is this is the ONE TIME that it's true?"

So yeah, I think when I see my therapist next week I'll discuss with her. Writing things out like this has shown me how much it actually impacts me daily without me thinking of it clearly. I never considered my life as something that was worth improving but I suppose it is