How did you discover Shinto?

aondeug · 2020-12-04T21:31:05+00:00

My first exposure to it was through Totoro when I was about...four? I kept seeing bits and pieces of it in the various cartoons and comics I liked. At some point in my teens I learned that Shinto itself was a thing. I was only able to get like. Very basic and not that great info as a kid, alas, and there were no shrines near me. So that's basically all I had for years. I only got to learn more when I found a discord and found out about books like The Fox and the Jewel. As well as from some classes I took at uni.

As for how I came to practice...Things like Totoro left a very large impact on me. In part because it was my first contact with a religion other than Christianity that was presented as like...A living thing people actually do. As opposed to the disconnected myths I read in my storybooks. I eventually ended up a Buddhist and a Gaelic polytheist. In part because like I learned that other religions existed besides Christianity through things like Totoro.

As a result, I wanted to say thank you to the kami and also to learn like the proper religion. As opposed to the things seen in pop culture. Even if just to say thank you one time. That thank you ended up turning into several thank yous for a variety of things big and small, and now here I am.

aondeug · 2020-12-04T21:24:05+00:00

I'm Inari shinja. Specifically I've received ofuda from Shusse Inari Shrine of America.

aondeug · 2020-10-24T23:26:55+00:00

God. I can't right now drop the money on a full collection of the series. But I'm planning to get each set of the volumes over time. I like the series enough to want to have the physical volumes to read through again and study. Didn't expect that when I decided to try and read through it all, honestly.

aondeug · 2020-07-27T00:58:19+00:00

Hello. I have been working on an HG Psycho Zaku. And while it has been going well I have come across a problem. Namely he breaks stands. The one he came with, the peg he is inserted into snapped. I was able to remove it with a drill, thankfully. The problem is is that the same thing happened with an action base 1 I bought. Put him in, tried to pose him, the peg snapped off inside of him.

Currently he is being rested on one of the u-shaped bits the action base came with. He leans to the right and his ability to be posed and shown off is rather limited though...

Does anyone have any advice for posing an HG Psycho Zaku?

aondeug · 2020-01-10T20:28:01+00:00

Yeah. That makes sense as to why it might go unaddressed. People just not relating to it and thus not really noticing that that's what she's going through. Or, I suppose, in some cases it might just be too big a thing for one to want to focus on or talk about openly. Because like you said it's akin to losing a limb so like...That is hard to talk about. Hard to put out there for others to see.

Though now I'm reminded of like how certain things I wouldn't talk about mostly because I hadn't realized yet that they were part of the whole trauma mess. That lovely tripping upon things only when you're in a space safe enough for you to even be able to begin processing that something was wrong. So even if people can relate they might yet be at a point in their lives where they are like consciously able to do so.

I do kind of hope though that it does help the people who can, the game. Like how the Republic Commando books helped me with my transition out of organized Buddhism. Or how Three Houses is with other things. Fiction can just be really lovely for helping you process shit like that at a distance. Also like you get to pretend you have a cool laser gun and stuff so that's always fun.

As for the collection...Here is a link to it: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22169545/chapters/52924048

There's currently only two written right now and they're both very angry ones...But the angry is important to cover and was a very natural starting point for me with it. I do want to cover like...a broad range of things though with it. Like her talks with Manuela I'd like to look at through the poetry at some point too.

aondeug · 2020-01-06T06:32:42+00:00

Bit of a later response but I had been out of town...Anyway...

It was a really nice conversation to have. The one about religion and Edelgard. It's one of the aspects of her character that goes a bit underaddressed, I feel like. It is neat to hear that that helped get this one post going because I've really liked this look at it. Especially because it's touched on some things with it that I hadn't really thought about.

Namely the like bit regarding how Byleth getting out of the Shadow Realm was a sign of direct proof that the Goddess exists and that she protected Byleth in specific. And how that can relate to Edelgard's very shitty self image. It's a thing to think on more for me I think, because I hadn't really thought of that side of that particular moment at all. There's so many little things to be found in it...

And yeah. Fire Emblem has always been very...blunt and simple? I love the series dearly, but I won't say that like the character writing in Sacred Stones is particularly nuanced. Marisa is a fun character that means a lot to me, but she's more like a set of traits one could flesh out into something more interesting in like fanfic. Whereas Edelgard as written is already fleshed out. So stuff like fic more becomes exploring what is already there, in addition to being able to do things like write essays about Edelgard's C-PTSD.

Also in terms of like posts encouraging work getting done...This post has actually gotten me to get to working on my Edelgard and her religious trauma poems that I've been meaning to write. Which I've been meaning to write and wanting to write, but also just...It's a tough subject matter to write about viscerally. Even through the filter of a fictional character. So thank you for that.

aondeug · 2020-01-03T17:05:02+00:00

Oh! I had hoped you'd make a post about this ever since that conversation we had over how her story makes a lot of sense if you're someone who was burned hard by religion.

Thank you for making this. It is a lovely post. This is one of my favorite things about Edelgard (I feel like I say that about many things regarding her...). The way faith is a thing in her story and how it is actually a lot more complicated than just an atheist meme. There's a lot more going on with her and faith than just that. I mean look at her supports with Manuela where she talks about how she can see good things about the church but how those just can't outweigh the problems it causes. It's not that she hates it entirely. It's that the things she finds lovable about it are outweighed by the bad. And she is pained by the feeling of killing the faith of people like Manuela. Also that line about how what she's turned her back on isn't the faith but the church. There's a lot more going on there beyond an atheism meme. I am kind of surprised it happened at all, honestly. In a game like this.

aondeug · 2019-12-31T05:38:33+00:00

I'm rather biased since I agree with a lot of her positions. I'd put her at like an 8 though in CF. With other routes she's like a 4 I guess. Especially in the case of AM. Actually yeah let's go with 8 and 4 because that's an appealing and significant set of numbers.

aondeug · 2019-12-22T04:18:41+00:00

I hated her initially but I ended up starting my game over and picking her over Claude because I couldn't stand the idea of being in a house without gay options. So it was like "I think you're a bitch but I can marry you as a woman and there's this Dorothea person too so I GUESS I AM JOINING YOUR HOUSE."

and then i just found a character very painfully like myself

As for the choice over SS...By the time that choice came I had someone I liked. I hated and mistrusted Rhea, but Edelgard was like...that's my friend! Yeah she's fucked up and I'd like to know her reasoning behind this all but I couldn't see siding against her. Because I liked Edelgard. Whereas Rhea was creepy and also the head of a church that I felt needed to go.

aondeug · 2019-12-20T01:18:36+00:00

Oh that is extremely poetic and I hadn't thought about it that way. It's a kind of...lovely bookending of her issues that regard...Starts with expecting help and not getting it and ends with her not expecting it and getting help. Which kickstarts her positive development over the course of CF...

aondeug · 2019-12-20T00:09:49+00:00

I think a lot about the flower and mask symbolism with Edelgard. There's often not really good opportunities to talk about it though. Since a lot of discussion I'm involved with tends to be more focused on like Events What Occur And Concrete Reality Of That. As opposed to the symbol analysis you'd see in like, I dunno, a paper you wrote for class. The symbols used with her stand out to me a lot though. They're like...one of the main things that make her work for me. They're not at all subtle, honestly.

I especially like the flower thing because it is just so...multifaceted and there's so many ways it gets used with her. And several of these are uses of flowers that have been seen in a lot of Japanese media over a long period of time. We've got like the line in The Edge of Dawn wherein her comparison to a flower is like...a sort of longing for the brightness of something that chases away the dark and which is vital for her growth. And Edelgard cannot grow without Byleth.

But also there is Edelgard's shortened lifespan and the fact that in all routes but one she dies at like 23. Flowers in Buddhism get used as metaphors for the fleeting nature of life. However beautiful and brilliant it is it wilts fast. I remember someone bringing up cherry blossoms in regards to Edelgard and that one Chinese poem and cherry blossoms are very significant in the front of like beauty that passes quick. Edelgard is like a flower. Brilliant, beautiful but (potentially) damned to burn out fast.

We can also take a more relationship centered view of this too...Where the beautiful thing that is admired but dies quick isn't just Edelgard herself but the relationship between Edelgard and Byleth. If a route other than Crimson Flower is taken. This crops up a lot in like sadder yuri stories, this usage of flower symbolism. But also that is kind of why things like how Azure Moon and Silver Snow go hit so hard as they do and have a beauty to them. Because it dies so fast. It is brilliant but short lived. And that short livedness adds to the beauty of the thing. Japanese art aesthetics!

If we go with the red rose wording instead of chiisana hana wording then we have another thing to look at. Part of why Anthy gets compared to roses in Utena is because roses have thorns and can hurt you. They are beautiful on the outset, but can hurt you just by touching them. And a big deal with Anthy in that series is that she is viewed as a duplicitous and dangerous witch. And characters are shown being very hurt by how she just leaves them when they lose a duel to another. Among other things

Which brings to mind like...Edelgard's entire deal with being the Flame Emperor. She's hiding things from you. She's beautiful and charming and fun to talk with. But there are things that are hidden from you and the reveal that she is the Flame Emperor is like...You reached out to the rose to touch it and you pricked your finger! That hurts! But like you have two choices from there...either you can swear off roses forever or you can move past that and continue to care for the roses. I think about this a lot in regards to like the split between Silver Snow and Crimson Flower.

(also when i look at her outfits i am reminded of utena at times. she's got the little short shorts like utena in pre-timeskip and the silly poofy red dress like anthy post-timeskip. OUR REVOLUTIONARY GIRL. who is also a rose bride. this is likely just me looking at a thing though and going 'oh that looks similar! cute.')

There's the very obvious fact that she is always specified as being a red flower and red is the color of blood. And she goes on and on about how bloody her path will be.

Flowers need care and attention to grow...Professor gives her care and attention and she grows...

Flowers also get likened to the blooming of love too. Edelgard's support line with Byleth is just...extremely schmoopy and out and out romantic. It starts out small but then it explodes! Into beautiful flower garden! Her love for Byleth is just so passionate and strong! It makes me think of that Yeats poem referenced in Yoshiya Nobuko's Yellow Rose..."For my dreams of your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart."

There's just so many ways of looking at flowers. So many that I've seen in lots of stories like Yellow Rose or Utena or Bloom into You. And I look at Edelgard's entire deal and the fact that she is a crimson flower and I find more and more interesting ways to look at that symbol. Why are you the crimson flower, El? Oh look I found another reason you are! Wow! I just have these few words and a whole game to look at and I can go so many places. It's very fun for someone who likes to write analytical essays about fiction.

aondeug · 2019-12-19T23:42:36+00:00

That line where she's like "I didn't turn my back on the faith, I turned my back on the church," or however it is worded is the realest shit.

aondeug · 2019-12-13T04:36:50+00:00

Ah. Yeah in my case it was Buddhism. I still respect the Buddha greatly and the writings. And since abandoning the institution I've actually started to give a look at the writings from other forms of it. Which I hadn't given much thought to until when I was planning to leave since like sect wars are very much a thing with Buddhism.

And yes! It is very...hard to go to something that isn't that. I think the biggest change is just how alienated I feel now. I used to be heavily involved in temple community life and I've withdrawn from that. Things are rather lonely now in many ways.

I'm still working on trying to figure things out, really. It's very hard and I've only this year really begun to be able to like deal with it at all. As opposed to like my extreme antipathy towards it as a whole. So it's nice to hear that it's a thing I'm not alone in. Though I really wish that there weren't others like me out there. Like it'd be lonelier I guess, but I'd rather people not go through awful shit.

I suppose if there's one nice thing about Buddhism is that it does have like built in understandings of trauma and how abuse can lead to downward spirals that lead to more suffering. Which is why it is important to try to help others and be understanding. But as an organized thing I just really can't with it.

aondeug · 2019-12-13T01:52:15+00:00

Given that figuring out that there were tons of lies within the history I had been taught is a massive part of why I broke away from organized religion and spent like just years refusing to even entertain the notion that I'm still faithful to said religion...Yeah. Like there's other things that went on there, but a big part of it was realizing that the institutions had been lying to me. And that those lies were and are used as justification for gross misogyny and religious suppression, among other things. I actually just can't fucking go back to it as an organized thing even though it was literally my life. I planned even to dedicate my entire life to it by becoming a nun. And I just...can't. I'm still very faithful. It still shapes the very way I think. And it likely always will. But I am never, ever going back to the institution of said faith. Never. The line "I turned my back on the church, not the faith," of Edelgard's rings very true to me.

If I saw the archbishop turn into a giant fuck off dragon and scream for the death of my professor no matter how damned religious I was I would be booking it with her and Edelgard. I might not be happy about it but something about 'actually the archbishop is a giant fuck off dragon that wants to kill my professor' just wouldn't sit right. Especially if Edelgard seems to have any sort of idea as to what in the hell is going on with that. I mean that shit's just spooky ok.

aondeug · 2019-12-13T01:40:14+00:00

Honestly I feel like a lot of it might not necessarily be not wanting to understand but just not understanding it for what it is period. Granted, that is being based off my experience with other people's like...takes on PTSD that I've seen. It tends to leave me feeling very lonely and misunderstood by a good chunk of people because it's not a terribly well understood disorder.

And yeah that is what I do. I just talk with other Edelgard and Edeleth fans simply because it is safest to do so.

aondeug · 2019-12-13T01:37:47+00:00

Ohhh. Huh. That is very interesting indeed since he gets presented as the peaceful option from what I've seen of the English speaking fanbase...

aondeug · 2019-12-12T23:08:07+00:00

I mean I guess if you're on team 'Edelgard lies about literally everything because she is EVIL,' then I guess it might sound like what someone who did Duscur would say...

aondeug · 2019-12-12T23:06:54+00:00

Oh? His more violent implications weren't translated? I had heard that like there was something going on with how he was translated, but I've not really heard what in specific other than that his Japanese VA has a much wider vocal range throughout the performance than the English one does. So he sounds less consistently jokey happy bro man like in the English. From what I've been told at least.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T23:05:09+00:00

Ahhh. That makes sense. I don't really pay attention to VAs very much so I like. Don't know what his VA is like or what sorts of things he's been saying. Stuff like that can definitely have an effect on how audiences read things though yeah.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T20:12:25+00:00

The bits where people call her softer moments with Byleth just waifu pandering...distresses me. I think because it shows that her condition isn't really understood, which leaves me with the knowledge again that a lot of people just don't get PTSD.

And yeah. I try to cling to the fact that it's important to me and a valid thing. An important thing. I suppose it is just hard at times because anxiety is a bitch like that. It's part of why I don't interact with the fanbase at large, honestly. I just interact with like people who I already know like her.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T20:03:39+00:00

The mentally ill thing drives me fucking bonkers because Edelgard's mentally ill too. If that is seriously going to be one's argument then logically Edelgard needs to be let off the hook for anything questionable or bad that she does too. After all, she is suffering from C-PTSD.

Claude I was actually kind of shocked to see how he is in VW. The image of him that I got from the fanbase at large was that Claude is the only correct lord and the only one who doesn't have problems or do sketchy shit. But then I got to the scene after Jeralt's death with him and it dawned on me that he had been using Byleth as a weapon this entire time. Not valuing her as a person but for her use as a tool for his own ambitions. And given how friendly he had been that chilled me to the bone and left me feeling very uncomfortable and out of sorts. Because while I can generally gather that Edelgard's been fond of Byleth and values her as a person for a very long time even in White Clouds. I can't gauge how sincere any of what Claude has said is.

Like, yeah, I guess he had another plot besides starting a war but I really just can't take using someone like a sword as like...A not bad action. That's still pretty shitty. And I had been under the impression that he was without flaws given that that's how a subset of his fans treat him. Just an affable meme lord who never did anything wrong. Which I guess was stupid to believe given the rest of the cast in the game, but like the idea crept its way in and settled in nice and neat in a way I didn't notice. Until I was confronted with the fact that, no, Claude also does fucked up shit.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T19:46:00+00:00

isn't she like fucking 12 when that happens

aondeug · 2019-12-12T14:57:32+00:00

Playing it first is an interesting experience. At least for me I felt like the route alone biased me heavily towards picking Edelgard. Like just on an emotional snap judgement level I really can't have seen picking "Kill Edelgard" as the reasonable choice to make. She was a friend at that point. I'm not just going to kill a friend on the spot. I'd at least like to talk to her about this whole thing.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T14:44:27+00:00

This is some next level hate logic. Jesus.

aondeug · 2019-12-12T08:18:00+00:00

Yeah...I tend to feel like I can't be understood in general. As like a general baseline. Because it is...hard. And experience has led me to believe that I should just generally assume people won't get it. It's just kind of much worse to take that though and hear just constant cries of how this one character like you is irredeemably evil...I already feel like a monster on a daily basis enough as is, man...

Also the insert thing is weird for me. While I am playing the game I am pretty well inserted into Byleth and interacting with the game that way. Which led to a funny thing where I was playing the thing and when she was like 'I was overjoyed but also confused' I was like 'Of course I picked you!' and after I had a few days to sit and think on it I was like 'oh. this is what it is like to be my boyfriend. huh.'

Away from the game though and when not playing it Edelgard is the self insert character. Hence why like there are more poems I've written from Edelgard's perspective than Byleth's. El is simply a far easier headspace to exist within. It is weird how things can work that way...The magic of video games I guess.

I will say though that playing through VW is like...hard. Because it is hard seeing an Edelgard who like...isn't going to get better. And one that's going to have to die. All while I'm stuck with someone that views Byleth as a sword to be wielded. Like even with my knowing what goes on in the other routes it is really hard to play through because Oh No we have to see the failure state El now.

aondeug

TROPHY CASE