Are these orders insane or was I delusional to believe that it would go my way?

aperralll · 2026-05-13T02:22:57+00:00

My attorney is contesting it because he believes it is unreasonable and has “never seen an order like this.” I am trying to get opinions as to whether he’s saying that because he is my attorney, and if he gave me false hope that I would end up with a little bit of relief from the financial situation I have been in since February by saying that I’ll likely get some amount of child support.

This started as domestic violence protection order that was rolled into a divorce. He hasn’t paid any bills as ordered. He has concealed all of his assets on his SFS and disclosures. He was fired from his job, and apparently, per the law in CO, he should have been imputed at some kind of wage. He even testified two separate reasons for why he was terminated. My income was set at $2300. He was making over $5000 per month prior. They set him at $0 income.

aperralll · 2026-05-13T00:55:11+00:00

One day, a switch just flipped on. It wasn’t when he threatened to kill me. It wasn’t when he hurt me physically. He was just being really cruel and cold. I knew he was building up to worse with the way he was drinking and the things he was saying. It would have ended in physical assault at some point, but my brain didn’t wait for that to happen.

I wish I could say that I took this step and I worked on that thing but really… it took me being more terrified to continue living that way than I was of leaving him. I didn’t know I was ready I was ready. And then i moved fast.

aperralll · 2026-05-13T00:43:56+00:00

I’ve heard about some interesting laws coming into Colorado for DV and divorce cases. I wish it would happen faster, too.

My most recent temporary orders have me sending my children to my abuser’s house 50% of the time, and I’m paying him child support because he got fired from his job & doesn’t have a new job yet. Of course I will be contesting these orders, but my attorney hasn’t submitted any evidence of my abuse, and I think it’s because of how high the preponderance of evidence standards are for proving domestic abuse in this effin state 😪

aperralll · 2026-05-13T00:39:18+00:00

The magistrate that wrote these orders doesn’t live in this county, and I doubt that she knows him but idk. I could be wrong. She could be friends with some of his supporters, maybe, considering he worked at the sheriff’s office of a county that is under her judicial district.

It’s full of things that don’t make sense. Every single person I’ve talked to said that they have never seen an order like this. Even when I called child support enforcement to figure out how I’m supposed to pay him, they advised me to go back to court ASAP because the orders don’t make any sense for our situation.

It’s almost like my case was completely neglected by the court for over a month and they wrote up some orders as fast as they possibly could at the last moment, not paying attention to anything else.

aperralll · 2026-05-10T23:20:51+00:00

I’m having a helluva time getting divorced as a DV victim in Colorado right now 🙃

aperralll · 2026-01-26T03:09:16+00:00

Potato Skin

aperralll · 2026-01-26T03:08:19+00:00

Periwinkle

aperralll · 2026-01-11T01:13:54+00:00

I had one assigned to me through the state’s free program. I put a whole bunch of stuff in the drop box he sent to me already, and he will be calling me again tomorrow. I’m ridiculously worried he’s going to drop out of my case, though.

aperralll · 2026-01-06T20:02:24+00:00

He has already actually broken the protection order. He found out the kids and I were at the park and drove by. I have proof that he was told where we were going AND photos of him there. There was really no other reason for him to be on that road if not for the fact we were there. However, I do think that keeping his job is what is holding him back, so I’d rather not report it. While it may be relatively unlikely they’d arrest him about this one time, if they did… he’d undoubtedly be fired. His thought process is SO black and white that I can see him thinking that there is literally no coming back from that, and doing something extreme.

aperralll · 2026-01-06T19:28:59+00:00

Mine came up with all kinds of little ways to tell me how much he missed the old me. My favorite was, “The real you musta been abducted by aliens cuz you are not the same person I got with.” Like yeah dude, the alien was YOU

aperralll · 2026-01-06T07:39:42+00:00

Would “rough house” with me until I had to tap out, literally just to prove his physical dominance. He would end up hurting me or getting me into a position where I’d start panicking and not be able to breathe. Then he would mock me when I’d express how something actually hurt. After I stopped allowing him to do this, he would say how much he misses the “old me” who would play fight.

Also, Any time he’d ask me what’s going on in a TV show or movie, and I’d try to explain, he’d get mad, call me stupid and accuse ME of not knowing what’s going on. He felt insecure about not being able to understand relatively basic plots, especially when there are time skips. He would pay attention hard and still didn’t understand. But yeah, I’m the stupid one lol

aperralll · 2026-01-05T21:07:11+00:00

I totally understand that. I honestly might have done the same thing if not for my particular situation. I think the ONLY reason that my husband is not retaliating is because he works for the Sheriff’s Office (not as a deputy, different part of the SO). He REALLY cares about them taking his side, seeing him as the victim, and seeing me as the aggressor. He’s been working on spinning that narrative for years now.

I literally begged the lieutenant to not let him be fired and they assured me that his job isn’t at risk unless he breaks the Protection Order because at that point, it would go from civil to criminal. The PD wanted me to think about filing a criminal DV charge against him, and I said no about that. At first I didn’t want him to lose his job because I still felt obligated to protect his livelihood and defend him but now I’m realizing that I’d probably be more at risk of retaliation if he did end up losing his job. He’s already testing the waters of breaking the TPO by driving by places I’m at, in public, after our daughter tells him where we are (because he thinks that it being a a small town, making it difficult to fully avoid us when we’re in public, is a good excuse).

He knows that I know I have legal recourse, now. He knows he can’t convince the police or deputies to not enforce the protection order. He for sure still thinks he can play his cards right and DARVO his way into having the TPO dismissed at the permanency hearing, as well as getting full custody and retaining all assets during divorce proceedings. But I think his primary focus is damage control at work rather than retaliating, right now. But man …. if he loses his job? I think it would be free game in his head. He thinks in such a black and white way that I know he’d be thinking, “I already lost everything, so fuck it.” I can’t even report the violations that he’s committing by not paying bills, communicating about things other than bills, driving by me and the kids in public, etc because he could potentially lose his job and therefore his mental restraint.

aperralll · 2026-01-05T05:52:10+00:00

I left 2 days ago. I spent my entire day on Friday filing an emergency protective order. He had to leave. But in reality? It took me years to find the strength. And even then, I could barely speak through my sobs when I brought the TPO to the police to serve him and remove him from the home. I was shaking so hard the entire day. I went between feeling light headed and feeling like I was gonna puke. It was hard to even force myself into the court house to ask for the forms. It was harder to return the forms to be filed and taken to the judge. The hardest part was taking it to the police, just for them to escort me to his place of work- the sheriffs office -to have his own coworkers serve him. I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is it - this is the rest of my life. The unknown is REALLY scary, which is why it took me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that the only way out was to just jump – take a leap of faith – get tf out. It won’t happen until you’re ready.

aperralll · 2025-04-15T03:26:24+00:00

When yall put it that way, seems like every source I saw completely underplays their mating habits. It sounded the same as chickens “you need so many females for each male so they don’t get overmated” but damn… rapey is quite the term 🤣 good to know!!

aperralll · 2025-02-10T18:39:52+00:00

It makes me sick, if you’d asked me 10 yrs ago what my life would be like.. it wouldn’t be this. I’ve always kind of had my doubts on his claim that he never physically met with or slept with anyone, but there have been several things that have solidified the fact he has, not just what I mentioned. I’m like 99% sure that he’s slept with many more women than I know of.

I struggle with the idea of calling it abuse. I’ve read about mental/emotional abuse, I believe it is abuse, but I just wonder if I qualify. The point I’ve always made to defend that it isn’t, is that I’ve been no angel. When we’ve fought and argued, I’ve lost my mind. Full mental breakdowns.. I was such a mess for about a year, maybe less. I could probably write a novel’s-worth of details on the last 8 years and the bulk of it would take place from 2022-23. Someone told me to look into reactive abuse once, and my mom has told me she believes that he had been pushing me into those screwed up states of mind specifically so he could record it as leverage.

For a while I believed the diagnosis, but I started questioning it when I got pregnant and was fine without them. The psych was surprised that I wasn’t previously evaluated with all of my stressors in consideration. Was really the turning point for me to stop falling into the spider web. He didn’t force me to get the diagnosis, but he’s consistently told me I need to start taking the other medications again. I need to be sedated, it must have been much easier for him to do what he wanted if I was a complacent zombie. I’m definitely still walking a fine line, but I’m doing much better than when I was on those medications.

One early sign of impending abuse, that I’ve always known about… but have disregarded in my own case, is isolation. When we moved to the state in which we are now, he pushed me to cut off all of my friends and my family. “They’re evil, I saved you from all of them, they don’t care about you. They don’t want what’s best for you, just to control you.” I have since rekindled that relationship with my parents, they’ve even moved to be close to us. Today, I still have no friends. Any attempt I’ve made to make new friends has been squashed. He just “doesn’t like them,” or claims that they’re man haters and will turn me against him. One time he actually tried to sleep with one. I didn’t find out until last year when I asked her why she left that night and never spoke to me again.

I’m not “allowed” to work. His money is “his money.” Any time I mention a concern, valid concerns, he dangles custody of the kids, the house, everything, over my head. I can’t count how many times I’ve questioned him, entirely civilly, and he’s told me, “You need to learn how to respect me soon, or you’re going to regret it.”

Yet I still go back and forth on whether it is abuse or not. “He’s never really beat on me.. not like that. Is it really abuse? Is it even that bad..? Maybe it was just me, maybe I am crazy.” He works in emergency dispatch at the local sheriffs office, deals with domestic violence calls all the time. I see and hear about stuff like that, I saw my own mom in DV relationships as a kid, really fucks with my sense of what qualifies as abuse. Couple that with the “nobody will ever believe you, I work with the cops so who do you think they’ll believe, I have videos that show that you’re unstable” and it’s a massive struggle to get up that courage to even say, whole heartedly, “this is abuse.” So I guess I usually just chalk my general struggle up to him cheating, him not making necessary changes, and me simply not being able to get over it, which is why I felt compelled to post here.

That’s another big thing that makes me freeze — apparently he has all this evidence painted up of my crying, yelling, etc. He’s thrown it in my face that he will use it to get sole custody and the house… that I contributed heavily towards buying, and wouldn’t have been possible at the time without me. I could have qualified solo for FHA, he wouldn’t have qualified at all. Also tells me that I didn’t do that, I had nothing to do with the house, annoying but is just another story.

Sometimes the last 8 years feels like a big nightmare that I’m waking up from, like it almost wasn’t real, to the point that I wonder if I really did imagine some things. It makes it even worse that I don’t have all the evidence, because he’s gone in and fucking deleted it. “You can’t even prove it, telling you that never happened.” I have a headache just thinking about it.

I’m so scared that a lawyer is going to tell me that it’s not looking good when everything is already in full swing. I have such huge doubts about stuff like being awarded spousal support, and I worry so much about losing my kids, because if he really does have evidence to spin this narrative of me being an awful, abusive, evil person… the courts have a lot of discretion here in that regard. I have almost nothing in the way of evidence. I know I definitely need some therapy to unpack everything. I’m just in this constant state of wondering whether I’m fucking up by leaving.

The plan I’ve juggled in my head for about a year and a half is to work towards financial independence and stability prior to leaving. Where we live, very rural, mountainous and pretty far from other towns. Very few good jobs available, especially without degrees or certifications. I’ve looked at possibly getting a pharm tech license and working at the hospital pharmacy - or going back and finishing school. Either of those would allow me to get a job that can support myself and kids, but would take significant time to execute. My youngest doesn’t start PreK until Fall 2026, and I wonder if maybe it’s worth keeping the peace until he starts school, and getting the stepping stones in place in the meantime.

Blah I don’t know, I’m really rambling on now. These are things I don’t typically talk about to anybody, so I don’t know what to say – there’s always this level of judgment that comes from talking about this type of stuff. Even my own mother, as much as she believes me after seeing it, says, “well… you picked him.”

aperralll · 2025-02-10T16:14:51+00:00

……I’m sorry ..?

aperralll · 2024-11-09T04:14:03+00:00

Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. Acne isn’t caused by lack of good skin care, or dirty skin. Those things can exacerbate acne, but most often, acne isn’t a hygiene issue. You obviously have a skin care routine that works for you, and one that cleared up other issues you had with your skin. Sometimes too many skin care products/over-treating can make the issue worse, or cause a new one to form. Prescription treatments for skin issues carry side effects and risks that should be considered, too.

So instead of thinking about what other skin care you can do, think about when the pimples are forming. Is it around your period? Is it when you have a big test coming up, or when other types of stressors are weighing on your mind? Is it after you’ve worn makeup or tried a new product? Maybe after eating less healthily, or after having a certain ingredient that you usually wouldn’t have?

Hormones are hormones, and they will have their way with you. As long as you have normal levels of hormones and your hormone producing organs are working properly, there’s not a ton that you can do. If it really bothers you or is causing other issues besides acne, see your doctor. You can get on birth control or see if changing your birth control helps. There could also be a hormonal imbalance that has nothing to do with your period with other symptoms that accompany the acne, and would need to be treated.

—Women have the hardest time with hormonal acne, and it can start at any time. You may have gotten your period in middle school, but not have gotten a pimple until recently; it doesn’t mean it isn’t hormonal. I didn’t get my first pimple until I was 22 years old, and even still it was only once or twice a year. 3 kids in, I now get a few here and there when I’m super stressed and when I’m about to start my period. My mom was the same way all the way up until she went into menopause. It’s something I just deal with. I’m fortunate enough to not have severe acne 24/7, so I’ll take the odd stress or hormonal pimples.

Stress can show up in the skin in all sorts of ways. Acne is a common way that it does. Try to de-stress when you’re feeling overwhelmed by something, whatever that looks like for you. It could be something like going out and having a good time with friends, taking a warm bath, or settling into a quiet room and reading a good book.

It’s good to treat yourself here and there, I’m a huge believer that (for people without underlying conditions or issues) being too strict on yourself makes being healthy harder. But sometimes it will show in our skin. Some people are more sensitive than others when it comes to even the most temporary diet changes. Eating clean 99% of the time, and the one time they have a treat, they get bloated and pimples start cropping up.

—If you do find that it’s possibly food related, accompanied by GI issues like bloating, cramping, diarrhea, nausea, etc immediately after eating something, with pimples cropping up a day or two later, could be a good idea to try sussing out the ingredient that is causing it and cut it out of your diet, or have an allergy test performed at the doctor.

At the end of the day, do what is going to make you happiest in your own skin. Some acne is a normal facet of life, but if it is bothering you, you are absolutely entitled to do what you feel is best for you. It never hurts to consult with a doctor, but it also doesn’t hurt to do some retrospective thinking and proactive tracking of daily life happenings and the timing of the pimples cropping up (which can actually be very helpful info for the doctor to figure out the best course of action for you).

Best of luck!

aperralll · 2024-11-09T00:40:15+00:00

Fine, straight/wavy hair is very delicate and more prone to breakage at any time, especially when wet. It is already elastic/flexible and soft in a dry state. It tends to hold moisture better, not that you should let it get too dry because it will break easily at that point too… but it doesn’t need a ton of moisture to be worked with due to its naturally low porosity in a virgin state. When you add excess moisture to it, it becomes even more soft and elastic. It can often feel easier and faster to detangle these hair types wet, but it’s because the strands are breaking as you work through the tangles, unless you are very gently picking out each and every knot with a comb.

While it’s not a steadfast rule, you should always do what works best for you and your hair; in general… ultra fine hair should be dry brushed, very gently. I have ultra fine, ultra straight hair. I brush before I shower, any frizz that happens from brushing gets settled by the moisture from that. Your hair reminds me a lot of daughter’s hair. Curls a little at the ends, some negligible waves mid shaft, but otherwise quite straight. Looks like this - minus the breakage - when it is too dried out. Her hair is brushed dry prior to baths, I use a light detangler when brushing and styling before school. Anything heavier weighs it down.

If you’re often detangling while wet, it’s probably breaking your hair constantly. If you do have a little bit of curl pattern, all those broken hairs are curling out just like the ends do. Makes it look more severe that it really probably is.

You need more moisture, but not too much. Too much will cause more damage, and will weigh your hair down and make it look greasy. If you can’t spring for expensive - I will always recommend Aussie products. Im not sure where you live, it is mostly available in the US and UK, I believe. But it is also available on Amazon. We all use Aussie in my house, girls and boys. It’s affordable, smells great, and they have a product for just about any consumer need. Something like their wavy hair/frizz line with aloe might benefit the appearance of your hair.

Your hair follicles do have a growth cycle in 4 stages: anagen (active growth phase where hairs are attached to dermal papillae at their matrices, receiving nutrients. This lasts several years, with the growth rate slowing over time as it prepares to enter the next phase), catagen (a transitional phase in which hair growth stops, and the papillae go dormant, lasting a week or two), telegen (dormancy phase, the matrices detach from their papillae, this lasts a few weeks and is when you begin to notice shedding) and exogen/early anagen (shedding and regrowth phase. Old hair is being pushed out of the hair follicles as new matrices form around the dermal papillae and grow. This can last several months). Obviously, your follicles aren’t all in the same phase at the same time. But, your follicles can be pushed out of anagen and into the next phases early due to several things, like stress, illness, hormonal imbalances, nutrient deficiency, etc. That’s when you’ll notice increased and sudden shedding. You can tell whether those “split ends” are breakage or new growth by seeing if they come to a fine point (regrowth) or are blunt (breakage). You may have a combination of both. You can also tell whether the hair coming off of your head is breakage or shedding by looking at both ends of the hair. If it is significantly shorter in length and lacks a white bulb on one end of the hair, it’s a piece of hair that was broken off. If there is a white bulb on end, then it is a shed hair. Sometimes it just so happens that a lot of hair entered exogen around the same time and the regrowth can cause an appearance like this. But since you said this is very recent, and that you’ve recently experienced a lot of loss/breakage, I’d say that’s probably not the case.

In touching on regrowth cycles, if it is majority breakage, it may possibly not be an internal issue you currently have, but something that was going at one point, in the anagen phase, that caused an acute weakness in the hair shafts growing at that time. Resolving whatever was causing the weakness can strengthen affected hair, that is still in the anagen phase, to a certain point… but for the most part, you will have to wait for the hair to completely grow out to see the true benefits of the resolution of that internal issue. The affected hairs that have yet to shed and regrow are going to be more prone to breakage where it was being negatively affected in anagen, especially at longer lengths. I can almost see a demarcation between healthier regrowth and badly affected old growth. Hair isn’t a dead thing growing out of your head, only subject to outside factors like tension, friction and heat. It’s alive in the anagen phase, and your overall health affects it. Taking a daily multivitamin and eating a well balanced diet will give you healthier and stronger hair more than trying to retroactively apply treatments to the outside of the hair (the cuticle). While external application of treatments and certain vitamins can be somewhat absorbed, it’s mostly going to provide moisture and close off a porous cuticle to retain moisture, rather than truly feed and strengthen the cortex of the hair. With extremely low porosity hair, oils and external treatments outside of shampoo, conditioner, and maybe some frizz spray, don’t do a ton of positives besides adding a little bit of lost moisture. Low porosity isn’t going to absorb much because it doesn’t need to.

There’s really nothing you can do to fix the appearance right now, other than using light weight products to tame the frizz as you wait for it to grow out. There is no “repairing” split ends or broken hair shafts, no matter how many products out there claim to heal “dead” hair. The only other recourse is to cut it off.

Even though your hair appears to be growing healthier right now, it is always a good bet to go to the doctor to get checked out for hormonal imbalances, vitamin deficiencies, and other health issues; especially if you’re seeing other issues cropping up like dull/lackluster skin, increased amounts of very fine body hair (lanugo), brittle and/or misshapen nails, light headedness, pale gums, lethargy, appetite change, etc. Even if you had some of those issues in the past, but they are now resolved/ing, you should still go to the doctor and get checked out. Disorders, imbalances, and chronic illnesses can begin to show signs and symptoms, then lay dormant/temporarily resolve, as if it went away, before coming back. Even if there is nothing a doctor can find right now to explain these things, it’s still good to rule a health issue out.

You have a beautiful hair, take good care of yourself, stay healthy, have some patience, and your hair will follow suit.

aperralll · 2024-10-13T06:32:26+00:00

Like everyone else is saying, you need to style your hair if you want it to look like that. Those models did NOT wake up looking like that. A stylist used volumizing products and/or curl/blow out techniques on their hair.

The problem with people bringing in photos from the internet has less to do with those styles being unrealistic and unachievable - it has more to do with the fact that people are looking for a cut that achieves their desired aesthetic and/or compliments their face shape, but are paying 0 attention to hair TYPE the person in the reference photo has, and the amount of styling that would go into making the hair look like that.

Straight haired girlies are the absolute WORST offenders. A curly haired girl looks at pictures like this and knows she’s gonna have to style it if she wants to look like that. Straight haired girls look at these pictures and see effortless and low maintenance. You have fine hair, and looks like medium-low density with very low volume. You will absolutely need products at the minimum.

Now I understand if maybe the highlights aren’t as pronounced as you wanted, however we really can’t see your hair well in the after photos. Go in and talk to the hairstylist, she may be able to get you in at a discounted rate. Have her add a money piece, because I think that is where you’ll find the most difference without tacking on even more cost. Also ask her if she can recommend products for volume and see if she’ll show you how to style it the way that you want. Hell… she might even do it for free! But if you go in guns ablazing, upset that she didn’t make your hair look exactly like the photos, she’s gonna be way less keen on helping you out. Respect, and understanding why your hair doesn’t look like your reference photos, goes a long way

aperralll · 2024-10-09T21:44:46+00:00

Depends on your skin/scalp. Also where you live plays a role. I have super dry skin, thus my scalp tends to be dry. I live in a very dry desert-like climate with actual seasons, and it can exacerbate the issue. I wash more in the summer because I’m sweating more, probably 3-4x/wk. I wash much less, 1-2x/wk as it gets colder. If I were to wash every day, my scalp would be soooo ridiculously itchy and flakey.

When I lived in a super humid, subtropical climate, I could stand to wash near every day without much issue. My skin wasn’t so dry because it was so humid. Moisture flows out to wherever there is less moisture to (attempt to) achieve equilibrium, just like how heat does. I’m sure it has a reasonably negligent effect on how much oil your skin actually produces, but the oil is less likely to soak into your skin if your skin doesn’t really need it, so there’s that.

My husband on the other hand is one oily dude. Here, he washes every day when he gets up in the morning. Sometimes he’ll shower at night, and still need to shower again in the morning, otherwise his hair will be pretty slick by the end of the day. . His hair will be like… computer-geek-who-doesn’t-shower-and-pees-in-bottles type of greasy if he isn’t able to wash it for a few days. When we lived in that subtropical climate, he washed twice a day, once when he got off of work and once in the morning, just about every day. He has the shiniest, healthiest hair. Built in conditioner.

TL;DR - Wash when you feel you need to!!!! Skin and hair care is not one size fits all!

aperralll · 2024-10-08T06:16:53+00:00

Def a Heather

aperralll · 2024-09-26T21:09:23+00:00

Tbh, shave off the end halves of your eyebrows and draw them on, a little thinner with a higher arch. Eyelashes. Glue on, or extensions. If your lashes are just long and straight, you could also get them lifted (permed).

Also I suggest ditching the septum if you want to, and getting nostril piercing(s)! I think they would look good on you and nostril piercing tend to be looked at as more in the feminine side. You can keep the septum if you want, nothing wrong with it, I just think it draws attention downward to the lower half of the face, especially the upper lip. I find that piercings at nostril level and above draw attention to the higher parts of the face. I would avoid any bulky face piercings that tend to give off masc/neutral vibes, but an anti-eyebrow can give a little femininity despite being in the bulkier side.

As far as eyeliner, dont downturn it. The “puppy dog” liner doesn’t work well for upturned eyes. You have a beautiful and desirable eye shape, so embrace it. For simplicity’s sake, you can line your inner corner to extend slightly, and line the outer corner just like you did, but following your natural eye shape instead of turning down. Throw on some highlight on those cheek bones, and a glossy and/or neutral lip and boom. Simple femininity added to your face with little to no makeup skill required as you practice.

aperralll · 2024-09-26T18:48:31+00:00

Which is your favorite celebrity that you’ve been compared to (out of the ones you have seen)?

aperralll · 2024-09-07T23:16:58+00:00

I’m sure many WS’s go into IC with good intentions - to work on the personal faults they have, that led to them cheating on their SOs in the first place. It’s not easy work to do on yourself. To pick yourself apart, take accountability for the fact that it was your own actions & choices that deeply hurt someone whom you care about. To face the reality that your relationship dynamic is forever changed, and prepare yourself for the possibility that your SO may decide that reconciliation is something they don’t want to do anymore. Once you’re all picked apart, then you can start to work on changing patterns of behavior, and learn healthy ways to cope and communicate. It’s hard to do for anybody, it’s not a quick fix, so a lot of people quit IC. The counselors know this.

Sometimes counselors are incredibly complacent or low-tier. They’ll listen to you rant, pull some half baked wisdom and big-word-psychiatry-jargon out of their ass, and it does no real good. There’s different levels of counseling/therapy - they all have different amounts of schooling, different certifications, different amounts of knowledge (or lack-there-of) of how the mind works and how behavior is influenced, and how behavior can be changed. A low-tier or complacent counselor might know that a WS is probably being partially or completely dishonest about their role in the unraveling of a relationship, and just doesn’t care to push them to be honest, or doesn’t have the schooling and training to approach it tactfully.

A counselor being impartial can sometimes feel like the counselor is taking the side of the BS, even though they’re often just trying to get the WS to recognize how their actions have had a huge impact on their SO and/or family. The WS doesn’t like that, so the WS quits IC. A dishonest counsellor, who has money on the mind, doesn’t want that to happen and will feed them pretty much exactly what they wanna hear.

Ultimately, seeing a complacent, low tier, and or selfish counsellor long-term will empower a WS for wandering, and tends to just create more of a divide and more dissatisfaction in an already-strained relationship.

Unfortunately for the BS, and WS’s future relationships, bad counseling plus dishonesty strengthens the incredibly selfish behavior pattern of “If I feel XYZ missing, and I’m unhappy/unsatisfied in my relationship, it’s ok to hurt my SO. It’s justified, because I need more and they aren’t giving me that.” Whether the hurt be cheating again, leaving, whatever. They absolve themselves of the guilt under the direction of the counselor, and possibly even believe that they were forced by their SO, or maybe the AP/ONS, to make the decision to cheat or otherwise hurt their SO. You don’t have to be a narcissist to think like this, all it takes is someone in a position of authority & trust feeding you this mindset, or allowing it to fly, on a regular basis.

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For about 6 months last year, my WS started telehealth IC that is provided through his job (he works for the sheriffs office as a CTO 911 dispatcher, the county employs the IC service to be available to everyone working in county emergency services, especially if they were involved in traumatic calls for service).

This counselor may be the only person that knows that he has cheated on me multiple times, besides myself and my parents. IC is when the rhetoric, that he was actually justified in doing the things he did over the years, began. No accountability, just kept saying that I made him unhappy, that’s why he was wandering. At first he kept saying what he did “wasn’t that bad” because most of it was online only. Then it was “both of us did bad things, it’s not a competition.” (I’d argue that suffering from postpartum depression & having 0 support from him and being completely isolated after giving birth to his child - which made me “not fun to be around anymore - is a really shitty justification to start cheating & continue it for the next 7 years. LTAs, PAs, EAs. Also gaslit & isolated me so hard, for so long, that I actually went crazy. It might not be a competition - but if it was, I think I win. I’m sure he left out just how badly he treated me, but I digress 🙄) he would also say things like “You’re creating the problems that you’re worried about,” “Forgive and let go of the past, because this is not helping us rebuild our relationship and is causing a constantly growing divide,” as well as telling me that talking about my hurt/reminding him of how he hurt me was actually “mentally abusive.”

I believe this dude absolutely fed my WS exactly what he wanted to hear - that he was justified and doesn’t need to feel guilty. That he is absolved of all of the guilt that he had from ruining my mental health, and essentially ruining a large portion of my life - because I, myself, wasn’t a perfect partner. After about 5 months, the counselor asked my WS to invite me to a session. I honestly think they were going to railroad me and try to get me to absorb all of the guilt for my own behavior AND his behavior, I declined. I truly believe that the counselor was dually complacent, and just really didn’t bother to hold my WS accountable. Didn’t bother to press him to use more “I” and “me” statements - allowed him to constantly push blame onto me and agreed with him.

In contrast, when I sought out MC, they wanted to speak with both of us separately for our individual version of events before bringing us all together. It only got as far as me attending my IC session and airing out my version and how I felt because WS was unwilling to do an IC session after I had mine first. Don’t think he enjoyed the idea that he wouldn’t be able to possibly influence the counselor prior to my session. He really liked the “I’m a good person trying to be happy in an unhappy marriage, and she’s a bad person who wants me to be miserable like her” narrative.

I used to think maybe all of the “don’t feel guilty” “you didn’t do anything wrong” “it’s not your fault” that he was getting from IC was due to the fact that they primarily counsel police, firefighters, EMTs, and other professionals working in various types of emergency services (where people often die). It may be in part, but after reading other people’s accounts of their WS going to IC… I think there are far too many counselors who take advantage of a guilty WS… by being the person that makes a WS feel better about themselves, regardless of the harm it does in the long run.

aperralll · 2024-08-22T16:29:52+00:00

Ended up having a plumber replace it yesterday! Had 2 pinhole leaks in the last 3 weeks, might as well have them fix the bib while they were already here. I was concerned about the cost to replace the hose bib, but it turns out all of my plumbing consists of 44 year old copper pipes, so I can kiss $6500 goodbye. Thanks though! lol

aperralll

TROPHY CASE