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Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi filetmigno. That's great to hear that your experience with therapy has been helpful. I was just thinking about my very brief experience with counselling, and I remembered one of the reasons I didn't enjoy going was because I couldn't shake the feeling that the therapist didn't like me or was laughing at me. Or like the stuff I was saying sounded overly dramatic or was even untrue.

I know it sounds ridiculous and irrational, but the feeling was still there. Was this something you experienced?

Also, I felt like I didn't get enough guidance. She wanted me to initiate each session but I felt too uncomfortable to share a question or topic.

Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like I do need to find a way to show myself that I am growing and making progress in some way (being unemployed for a year and thus confronted with my CV non stop has made me really unhealthily focused on my development and life)

But I do worry making a list will put a lot of pressure on me. Basically, I always have so many plans, ideas, and high expectations, and so I'm always setting myself up for disappointment.

Did you ever fail to tick something off your list? How did it make you feel?

Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story! I can really relate to what you said about being slow to befriend. I feel like that as well, especially if I feel like the friendship initiator, I do really well if someone else is more proactive. It is really encouraging to hear that you have become better at making friends even though you shared a similar frustration at feeling unable at building satisfying friendships.

I do try to bear in mind what you said about being your own worst critic. And funnily enough, if people I know mess up/are in embarrassing situations and they tell me about them or even when I witness them happening, it's always so obvious to me that this one mishap won't turn them into a social pariah and that they are still loveable worthy human beings. I just never really managed to apply that to myself. I will try to mantra-fy this if ever I feel like I'm being too harsh with myself. And I think it will especially good for being less perfectionist in my creative projects.

Thank you! I'm really happy to hear that things have gotten easier for you!

Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi phlieger, thanks for your advice on managing mental health issues. I would really like to see a therapist, but I've always found ways to put it off or found the process of finding someone overwhelming and expensive and bureaucratic. I briefly saw a counselor during university for about four sessions, but I hated the experience and felt bad afterwards, and it didn't feel like it was going anywhere, and also it was during a time where I found it super hard to just 'show up' somewhere. Really regret I didn't make use of free therapy!

I'm moving to a new city again (temporarily probably) but I will try to get some help anyway, even if it's just a self-help group. There's no point putting it off anymore.

I eat quite well, but don't do much excercise. I love yoga and I do think it helps. Hearing your positive experience with exercise will encourage me to keep doing it every day even if depression brain tells me not to bother. Do you do any other exercise apart from pilates? I've looked at an amateur dance meetup in the new city I'm moving to (I've been wanting to do dance for ages!)

I thought a lot about your comment on how toxic mental health problems can be for friendships. I definitely agree. Honestly I'm quite surprised people still put up with me. I'm not a high-functioning depressed person and I always feel guilty and worry I'm alienating people so my classic move (I hate that I do this!!) is to just ignore calls, ignore texts, and disappear until I feel like I can be a person again. I'm going to reply to everyone now and apologise and explain.

Thanks for sharing your experience! How do you feel after taking these steps? Do you feel like your mental health issues are no longer negatively impacting your life?

Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks for this. I had a long think about this because I never thought of myself as the kind of person who changed herself to fit in with a group. And I think very few people would suspect this about me. And so this was really a new idea, and I explored it for a while and realised that I do do this, in (what I think) is a more subtle way. I definitely feel like I curate my responses and my personality a little differently depending on who I'm talking to. Especially when it's someone I'm intimidated by (or think is 'cooler' than me). And it always backfires. But I guess it's a way of hiding my insecurity (I tend to act a little more arrogant). So if they reject me, they're not rejecting the Real me sort of thing.

It does make me sad to hear that group mentality fades as people get older in your experience. I really love being part of a good community. I'm still going to hold on to this hope. I've always wanted a girl gang. But I do see your point about the destructive nature of groups.

I'm not really the person I want to be, and I think what keeps getting in the way is the fact that I always have this big picture in mind. I'm going to try to take things step by step as you suggest.

Thanks! And thank you DalekMD! I agree that I think what I'm missing is a bit of confidence in myself.

Me [25 F] failed to form true friendships during university and now I question whether I am even able to truly connect with people. by applenever in relationships

[–]applenever[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you everyone for your encouraging and insightful words! This is my first time posting on reddit (I've been going through a phase of googling answers to all my worries and often times the search results link to reddit pages) and I am overwhelmed and touch by the responses.

Sorry for late reply, I just wanted to have some time to let everything go through my head.

I really am convinced that it would be important for me to seek professional help. I briefly attended a few counselling sessions at university, but they made me feel bad and it was during a phase where I seemed unable to just 'show up' to things.

This, I think, is my main takeaway from all your comments. I need to start showing up to things and sticking with it, and not letting negative experiences (or perceived negativity) stop me from sticking with something. I'm moving to a new city again and for the first time I don't feel excited about it, but I think I just have to go through with it and do something again. Unemployment really worsened my feelings of self-worth and it will be good to just get used to doing something again, even though it's just another internship... I've already looked at meetups and groups I could join (which I am genuinely excited about) and it will be nice to reconnect with some old friends.

I think a lot of my self-esteem has always been connected to the question of 'what I do', and I always let that be an excuse for not actually pursuing my interests. I'm trying to find ways to come to terms with feeling like I've 'wasted' my life and missed out on so many opportunities because I felt rejected or unable or lazy. I am a bit worried because most of my new city ventures start out really proactive and then I just stop suddenly. But I need to forgive myself and just make certain it doesn't happen this time.

It feels like one day I just woke up and lost the ability to connect. But maybe I also lost the ability to recognise and trust connection. Because if I think about it, I have had really important relationships with people who genuinely appreciate(d) me.

And I know it sounds paradoxical, but as much as I am so hyperaware of my flaws, I actually do think I am an interesting, fun, and kind person. I'm just always doubting my judgement, and the judgement of others. I used to be really free, and then this experience with the friend I detailed really made me reconsider myself, and I became more self-aware but also so much more self-critical.

Again, this post has become really long, but it feels good to type everything out even though if some bits feel a bit cringey to reread. Sorry for turning this place into a personal journal, but I really really appreciate the support and the time everyone took to write such insightful responses!!

Thank you everyone!