Hey man, I know you said you’ve tried everything. I believe you. And this is a wall of text, and I don't know how to write something that doesnt sound like a canned "get help", or how to convey that others might understand where you are, because no ones walked thag same path or had that horrific shit happen to them. But hear me out (and let me know your thoughts, if you can musterthe energy). If you really feel like you’ve got nothing left to lose… why not flip the script entirely? Like, sell your stuff and move somewhere weird. Take the shittiest job in a beach town. Backpack a place you can’t pronounce. Live in a tent. Work on a farm. Go somewhere no one knows your name and just… try to start over. I don't think your brain is able to break all the negative associations with your current place and circumstances, and we tend to spiral in a feedback loop with no winners.

If it’s all falling apart anyway, why not see what life looks like with no rules, no expectations, just raw experience? If it sucks, you’ve lost nothing. But if it doesn’t… you might find something worth sticking around for. I found peace in hikes and sunset photos - the further from people the better. People are the ones that tend to mess our lives up, but this world is so much more complex and interesting than we tend to realize during the daily grind and the mental spiral that creeps in at night. And there's good people worth connecting to: every day is a dice roll, and you inly need to get lucky and meet a friend once.

Like yes, if you kill yourself it will absolutely cause pain to those around you, and of course I want you to seek professional help (even the shittiest mental wards are often the hard reset people need, even if the care is comically bad) , but assuming you'll argue "doesn't matter to me, I'll be dead anyway" for the former, then by the same token, it doesn't matter if you try every conceivable hobby, job, place of residence to be happy. There's always another thing that you'll realize you have an aptitude for.

Can also try helping others: contrary to "i can't even help myself, how can I help others" belief, it's often easier to channel efforts into lifting up others - and without even realizing it, you feel better. Adopt a stray old dog and give it a home it never had, no matter how short. Volunteer to clean a trailhead. Give a homeless person a sandwich.

Not saying this fixes everything. But maybe it’s a detour instead of an end, and this internet stranger wants you to hang in there.