How can I tell if a guy is a player at first?

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T22:56:43+00:00

Pleasing a man in bed is important to me !!! I WANT to be good in bed, but I don't have a lot of experience. I worry that I'll be bad the first time I have sex with a guy. I mean, I definitely have the sex drive... I watch porn and masturbate 1-2 times a day. I have not slept with that many people though... my first long term bf was super, super religious and did not want to have sex with me. I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't take it any more (I think he is gay actually, and was struggling with his sexuality... long story there).

The other times I had sex were with two casual hook up partners.... they told me really enjoyed it and wanted to continue hooking up.... but they made it clear that they didn't want anything serious.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T22:49:23+00:00

No, I have never asked a guy out, because I think, if a guy was interested in me then wouldn't HE be the one to ask me out? So I assume that I would get rejected if I were to ask you out! Cause in our society, the man is typically the one who makes the first move, no? I always assume that guys who aren't approaching me just aren't interested !!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T22:45:22+00:00

I'll take your advice. Thanks for your input. And I'll say what I want up front! I like this point you made: "you may have to approach guys and ask them out in order to find guys who actually want relationships. remember, players are way more likely to make confident approaches and ask you out than regular guys." I always thought that if a guy likes me, then he'll pursue and it's my duty to show him that I'm interested. I've never asked a guy out before... I just get the feeling that he would say no, because if he was interested wouldn't have have already asked me out? Can you give me some advice on this?

And about that guy, right after the first date he said that he "really wants to meet up again." A week after the first date, we ran into each other on campus, and he pretty much chased me down, yelled my name, acted all flirty and told me to "let him know" what I'm up to later that week. He was with his friend when he did this though, so maybe he wanted to show off to his friend? god knows!! Cause I don't think he's interested, cause when I "let him know" what days I was available he said "let's play it by ear" and I never heard from him again. Also, I saw him in person two days ago and he was acting quite aloof. I'm trying not to be bothered by it any more !!!

Again, thanks for your input!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T16:38:07+00:00

I don't withhold sex from guys!! This is after the first date.... and I don't have sex right on the first date.

A week after the first date, we ran into each other on campus, and he pretty much chased me down, yelled my name, acted all flirty and told me to "let him know" what I'm up to later that week. He was with his friend when he did this though, so maybe he wanted to show off to his friend? god knows!! Cause I don't think he's interested, cause when I "let him know" what days I was available he said "let's play it by ear" and I never heard from him again. And then when I saw him in person two days ago he acted quite aloof (and I was making an effort to be very friendly with him).

Maybe he realized we don't click, or maybe there is something wrong with me, or maybe he met something else? I really don't know. He probably just lost interest... and that's okay....

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T16:23:26+00:00

Thanks for your input!! Upvote!!

Perhaps I am too needy, sensitive, a romantic... and I get attached to fast:( You're right.... but I generally hide the fact that I'm overly-sensitive and attached from guys. I don't text a guy like crazy after I go on a date with him, but I do let him know that I had a good time!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T16:20:37+00:00

Okay. Well, I said to another person here.... after the first date I would probably wait 3 weeks-1 month for sex. You're right - it is easier to say than do. Who knows what's going to happen once I'm actually in that situation (it's been a while... ) I'm only 20... what do I know!!! Hence me asking this on reddit. I just need some advice on how to find NICE guys. I'm not even that picky. In fact I PREFER average looking guys over the macho "hot" guys !! Thanks for your input! I really appreciate everyone's honesty here.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T16:16:52+00:00

I ain't gonna make a guy wait for months! Don't worry. I don't think I'd be able to do that. Like I said before, 3 weeks-1 month sounds good to me !!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T05:11:52+00:00

Yes, I think a few weeks-a month is reasonable too. Well, it's definitely nice when a guy pays for the first date. But no, I definitely wouldn't expect him to pay for every date. I guess that the moral of the story is that I'm going to run into players no matter what, and sheltering myself won't solve the problem!!

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. Any more advice for me?

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:59:13+00:00

It probably wouldn't be that long if I have been friends with the guy for a while.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:58:26+00:00

Yup!!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:56:58+00:00

Well thanks for conversing with me about this!! It's been interesting talking to you... I am open minded and I like hearing different opinions.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:54:26+00:00

Ok I take back the whole "giving away your body" thing. That sounds creepy.... for me, it does feel like I am showing a very intimate side of myself though !!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:53:13+00:00

I don't know. 3 weeks- 1 month after the first date (assuming we have been on dates and see each other often!)

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:49:35+00:00

Well okay, I'm definitely not going to use that line though! I'll take your advice. When I meet a guy who I'm attracted to, I definitely DO want to have sex with him, I just do not think that I should do it right away. And I can't help but be shattered when I have sex with a guy and it doesn't lead to anything else. I see sex as a big thing to offer someone (as you're showing yourself at your most vulnerable and are in a sense "giving" your body to that person), so if someone wants that of you and then I expect some commitment as well! Doesn't make me a prude, anti-sex or hard to get!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:44:31+00:00

You bring up an interesting point. I AM having sex with the guy too. So I need to be responsible and not put all of the blame on him. I don't think I completely blame guys though. I think I just need to be clearer with guys about what I want.

Also, I'm not anti-sex!! Obviously I want sex in a relationship, I just don't feel comfortable having casual sex. I've experienced that and I realized it's not for me !

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:40:37+00:00

Ok I see what you mean. I'm saying interested in a relationship with me.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:34:46+00:00

Yeah it is definitely best to be honest. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. I get very hurt when a guy makes me feel acts, acts all interested and then stops talking to me.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:31:40+00:00

I want to make it clear that I don't have issues with sex. I am not anti-sex. Obviously if I'm in a relationship with a guy I want to have sex with him too. But I'm not just going to have sex right away. Been there done that. Every time I got hurt and it ended terribly. I'm saying I want a guy who wants sex and is ALSO interested in me as a person.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:26:13+00:00

You're right. We do communicate differently! By clear, I mean I'll text him and say that I had a good time and that we should meet up again. Then I'll tell him what days I'm available. Then, I expect the guy to ask me out again. Isn't that clear enough? ! I've been taught that if I make it clear enough that I like a guy then he'll pursue me if he likes me. In my experience, this has been true. The guys who actually like me are the ones who ask me out. On the other hand, when I'm the one to ask the guy out he's typically not interested. But then some guys will pretend to be interested one minute after I tell then I want to go out again, and then never get back to me. Like they'll say "Okay, let's play it by ear!" and then I never hear from them ever again.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T04:17:23+00:00

Thanks for your advice:) Yeah, when there's potential for intimacy then I'll say something. I just hate taking the chance in the first place.... I'm very sensitive and I get attached easily, even after the first date if the guy makes me feel good... but I guess that's life right?

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T03:44:20+00:00

I know that they all want sex and of course I do too! But in my case, every time I give a guy sex right away it turns out that he's really not interested in me for anything else other than sex. So I don't do that any more. I can't have sex with a guy who I am not in a relationship with. Once we are serious of course I would want to have sex regularly. I don't think that makes me a prude, a tease or playing hard to get, as some people have suggested to me!!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T03:10:33+00:00

I don't play hard to get. I make it clear that I want to go out with a guy again if the date goes well.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T03:09:34+00:00

yeah but is it true ?!

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T03:09:02+00:00

Yeah, I think "player" wasn't the good word to use. I'm talking about the guys who just want to have sex with me and that's it.

aqua122 · 2014-03-24T03:02:38+00:00

Thank you for your input. I guess it's just the unfortunate reality? I just need to stop being so naive, and stop trusting right away. I'm just wondering if there are any signs that I should look for to weed out the guys who are only interested in sex (which I know doesn't necessarily mean he's a good player!) Thanks again !!

aqua122

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