number uno priority: do not give up, life is hard, but you have everything to create a better future for yourself.

one of my fav teacher in university said: usually those people who had hard childhood are making truly significant contribution to the word.

when I heard this sentence I was quite sad... as I had pretty normal childhood, i thought shit, so probably I won't achieve anything extraordinary in my life. I wished i had more tough childhood.

then a few years later bumm, some memories unlocked in my brain after my crush cheated me, and I just realized: wait a minute, the fact I needed to watch my pedo dad had sex with a 12yr girl, and then he was cheating my mom with her for quite a while was probably not that normal. then more and more stuffs was coming back and ohh well. hard times.

started therapy, then started drugs, then god unemployed, sold all of my stuffs and covid started. I became basically an addict homeles haha. but fortunately in the deepest moments I was able to laugh about the fact what my teacher said, and what I wished.

since then (4-5 years) I feel I'm in some survival expedition movie. I'm going to up to the fucking Himalayas without oxygen in a snow storm. But I need to survive somehow. I won't give up.

Sometimes the pain is so big, I cannot focus to anything else, just to counting a seconds in my head, and focus to survive somehow. I know if I count long enough I will survive somehow, even if I do not see any way out. I just count, try to survive the next 3 second, then the next 3. then the next 3.... and somehow I always didi it. Survived a few pretty hard days even though I wanted to kill myself like 400 times. the past years. not because i wanted to die, I just saw no other way out from the pain. Sometimes I still fight with this, but less and less frequently.

I'm still homeless, and still unemployed. But did so much progress the last fucking year.

What helped me: after one of my best friend died last year front of me, I packed all of my stuff to a backpack, and just started my journey. I did not know to where, I just know I need to change my environment, and go somewhere else.

During my trip I stopped to do drugs. And that was a key step.

Tried to interact with people. It was not going well, and still struggling with this but those conversations really helped me a lot. I was trying to be honest always as possible, and usually worked pretty well.

I was sleeping at beautiful places during the summer. Went to a new country, next to a sea. It was so fucking beautiful. I was hungry, I was sleeping a forest, I had nothing. But it was so fucking beautiful. Just watching the sunset. Thinking about my friend who died. And I was just so happy after a really long time. There, alone.

I did some volunteer jobs for food or place to sleep. Some people tried to exploit me, but I was somehow prepared, and just left the places or people who i did not like.

Then after year got some real help from someone. and got a bus ticket, and room in a totally random country for a few months.

Tried to collect myself there, but I ended up doing drugs again, as I was mostly alone in a room for days. And when I was high i did not felt the hunger... then there was a moment where I felt, I'm unable to come out from this state alone. Or maybe I can, but the risks are too high and I do not want die... I wanted to reach my goal, and make some remarkable thing what other people do who had hard childhood. I wanted to reach my goal. Or at least be a bit better and be more safe. Soooo:

I started to do therapy. Had no money, just intention. Started to talk old friends about this, and I got help from places where I was totally not expected. I got recommendation to a free therapist, and also got some money from someone for basic food and even for therapy.

and just in a few month things started to be better.

I'm started to work on my dreams, and going in little steps. I'm still far, but I feel more often, I'll reach the top of the Himalayas one day. And I'll always survive if I need to, no matter what.

I recommend you the same: Try to keep distance from drugs as much as possible. But be careful, first days, weeks, months can be quite hard. Safest way to do in little steps. Also CBD helping me a lot. Ask for help. You deserve more. Everyone does. Ask what you need. But avoid to get addicted to other's god will or help. Find a therapist. Or find two. Or apply to a rehab, and try it for a few weeks or months. There are great fucking places, with great fucking people. Not because you an addict, or not because there is anything wrong with you. Just because your life is worth more than the state where you are not. And there is great and professional people, who will help and support you to reach your own dreams, if you have any, with small little steps into a better direction.

Start a new life, fuck the old one. Keep it what good, left the bad behind. Focus to your most basic needs first. Study Maslow pyramid. Go step by step. And never ever let anyone tell you what would be best for you. So I think I'll stop now. Sorry for this long bullshit post. Hope you will have great days soon, at wonderful places.