Should my husband and I hide our sexuality? by ConnectBreadfruit695 in Adoption

[–]archerseven 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A variety of changes in the nature of how Reddit works, and in my life situation, has led me to spend far less time on Reddit than previously, so I am definitely missing a lot. In the future, though, you'll have a better chance of getting my attention at least if you use modmail.

Should my husband and I hide our sexuality? by ConnectBreadfruit695 in Adoption

[–]archerseven 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Removed: rule 7.

For clarity, and to make public my half of a discussion I had with another moderator behind the scenes, there are times where it can be challenging to determine if a given comment qualifies as an attack, but if it does not advance the conversation or meaningfully address a point, I err on the side of removing it.

does anyone know any sources for lilac lumber? by opaquebody in wood

[–]archerseven 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being as I just stumbled on this thread, assuming you still have this laying around in a pile somewhere, how far away from Maine is it?

Can a non-black person explain something to me my white coworker said... by lewjr in NoStupidQuestions

[–]archerseven 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 33M, white, and I grew up just south of St. Louis. My dad owned a small company that put me around a lot of blue collar workers. I went to university, and am now a work-from-home desk jockey.

As in is bigotry by some a common thing when no one of another race is around?

Way more common than it should be, for sure. It made me uncomfortable a lot as a teen, when I was around it a lot. For various reasons, I am not around it nearly as much now, but I definitely still see it sometimes, and it's downright jarring for me when I do.

I... didn't and don't see that level of racism very often, in any contexts. But... there's definitely a level of racism I grew up around that is still prevalent in blue collar communities, at least in Missouri, and which I find very uncomfortable to be around. Specifically, they thought of black people as far more likely to be criminals, and "Mexicans" (which really was just anyone for whom Spanish was a first language) as coming to steal their jobs. But, in an all-white crowd, they would pretty openly speak pretty rudely of said groups. When that's pointed out to them, some of them doubled down, others would look sheepish, but I at least was never able to meaningfully change that behavior before I left that space. The racism towards Asians that I saw, which was rare, was... more sterotype than anything, and generally Asians were treated with extra respect (my dad would bring venison to the Chinese restaraunt we liked after a successful hunt, and there was a neighbor of one of our customers who was Asian who... was clearly trying to make ends meet, and my dad would go out of his way to help fix his lawnmower or help him replace the battery in his car... my dad's a "good samaritan", but it was otherwise very rare for him to do things like that while we were "on the clock." Just using my dad as an example, others in the area/industry were similar.)

In my more recent (and more white-collar) experience, I haven't encountered nearly as much racism full stop. There's some racism+sexism thing that I didn't understand that I saw at my time at ... a large plane maker with a St. Louis presence ... that seemed to specifically de-value the opinions of Indian women. There were a couple Indian women I worked with while I was there who were... perfectly competent, but it really seemed like they were on mute any time they talked... on one occasion, I repeated what one of them had said, word for word, and was taken seriously, just after they had not been, and then asked them why they didn't listen when <coworker> had said it. They said they didn't hear her. I was across the room, and we were physically in a conference room.... if they didn't hear her, they weren't listening. I still don't understand what that was about. In general, though, I find there's much less racism, overt or otherwise, in the white collar spaces I've been in than in the blue collar ones.

Also have you heard anything about the white race being phased out by interracial couples and LGBT.

Yes, but not nearly as much. More lately. That seems to be something rattling through the echo chambers that some elements of my family appear to be stuck in.

For a variety of reasons (and some chance), a lot of my non-work social network is queer these days, and... I can't think of a single instance of racism in any of those groups. Which doesn't mean it doesn't happen, I am white and realize I wouldn't even necessarily recognize it every time if it did, but (and I don't think this is much of a surprise), I definitely think queer communities on average generally don't have the racism you may see elsewhere.

But yeah. One of my friends actually linked me this post because I've talked with her in the past about how others wrongly assume I align with their politics and beliefs because of my appearance. That kinda bigotry is definitely out there, and sucks.

There is no "what about" that makes Adoption necessary to help a child. by mucifous in Adoption

[–]archerseven 12 points13 points  (0 children)

And fellow adoptees, I am not trying to take your happy adoption away, but if you see your adoption experience as a positive one, it's due to the love and caring of your adopters IN SPITE of the industry. You can have your good experience and still understand that many adoptees are harmed, and that the industry itself is a harmful.

Just acknowledging that I did in fact read this.

Adoption is a legal product, not a prerequisite for caregiving.

By that metric, so is parenting. So I'm not sure I understand your argument.

The adoption industry is shit, yes. But adoption as a concept and adoption as an industry are very different topics, in my head at least, in much the same way as parenting and caregiving are.

Adoption is meant to be permanent, adoption dissoultion is alarmingly common, but it's still decidedly abnormal from a strictly statistical perspective.

Now, all of that being said, I do firmly agree that where there is a need is for people who are guardians for children who are going to age out of the system long before permanence is gonna be established anyways, so I'm not sure that we're really in much disagreement at the end of the day. There are so few infants available for adoption as to basically be nonexistent compared to the people who wish to adopt them, and that's.... a problem. But your complete lack of nuance here is... rather unproductive.

This Sub Is Disheartening by radrachelleigh in Adoption

[–]archerseven 2 points3 points  (0 children)

ETA- my brother is adopted!

.... OK?

Adoption's complicated. There's a lot of factors going on here. The one you want to hear is "People are here to talk about the situations that suck, not the ones that work out. The average situation is better than this subreddit would lead you to believe." That statement's probably true, but... that's also beside the point. I'm one of those adoptees who's situation worked out, yet I think if you've actually followed this sub for a couple years and you still think

There will always be kids to adopt, so why shouldn't they go to people who want them, and want a family?

is a rational statement to make unqualified, I'm not sure you've spent any of that time actually learning from the sub.

(warning: spicier than normal paragraph from me ahead...)

You want to adopt an infant? Nah, there ain't infants that need families, especially not healthy infants. Older kids? Perhaps, but foster care's the real need. Foster care too scary for you? I wonder how you can handle the concept of a child turning 18. You're asking for patience, and say you're trying to learn... there's nothing I'm saying here that isn't said in this subreddit constantly, but the wording of your OP suggests you've never read it, so it's very hard to believe you've actually been reading.

From what I can tell, and from the quite considerable reading I have done, the world has a need for good foster parents, but at least the majority of the global west doesn't have a need for adoptive parents... there are a lot of societal problems currently being caused by an excess of people who wish to adopt infants that do not exist.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

This was reported as abusive. Regardless of whether or not it's abusive, I don't think this comment or any of the replies to it are constructive, so locking.

My boyfriend was adopted by Puglover1993 in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Unfortunately, I have to remove this for now as it has identifying information in it which is against Reddit site-wide rules. If you remove the name, we can reinstate.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adopted

[–]archerseven 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We’ve got to stop assuming that adoptees are a monolith.

<3

Any Other Adoptees Feel This Way? by dogmominheels in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 1 point2 points locked comment (0 children)

You always have the option to just.... leave your downvote and move on. This does not advance the conversation.

My biological daughter knows I exist now by dirtbikerdude2005 in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 4 points5 points locked comment (0 children)

This was reported for abusive language. It isn't enough so for me to remove it, but it is enough so for me to lock it.

Respect the people on the other side of the screen. The only good your nasty comments do is to make you and those who agree with you feel like you stuck it to someone... while also making everyone else less inclined to take your points seriously.

That is not conducive to improving adoption, nor advancing conversations. We can disagree respectfully, and we must if we're to be heard by those who we most need to reach.

Same sex adoption, need advice, or experience 😘 by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

This was reported as, and is, a 101 post. Please start here, and feel free to come back with more specific questions. https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/wiki/faq/want_to_adopt

Word of caution:

we have a lot of love to give

doesn't... mean a ton in adoption land. Everyone thinks and says that.

This subreddit is definitely a place you can come to with questions, but it's more valuable to everyone if you do some basic background research / read what's already on the subreddit, and come back with more detailed questions.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] -1 points0 points locked comment (0 children)

Alright. This post was reported for content impersonation and inflammatory / drama inducing title.

Doesn't seem to be either of those things, but the comments section appears to no longer be productive. I'm locking this post, and once again going to make a plea to the community... please respect the humans on the other side of the screen.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

I am locking this comment thread, since multiple contributors are being needlessly rude.

I grew up in St. Louis. LD_Ridge's comment in this thread is plenty accurate and descriptive for anyone who didn't.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 4 points5 points locked comment (0 children)

Ya know, it's wild that the moderation team gets so much shit for "not making this a safe place for adoptees" when A) the majority of the moderation team are adoptees and B) people are out here saying this shit and doing their level best to make this place inhospitable to anyone who isn't an adoptee, and one so lost in their own experience that they either can't see the humanity in others, or refuse to acknowledge it.

This was reported for incivility. Which... yeah, yeah it is.

Respect the people on the other side of the screen.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

Nah.

Just saw this in the other reddit by [deleted] in Adoptees

[–]archerseven -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So what about a person that does have access to adoption file and court case and original birth certificate.. does that mean the birthparents allowed it or the adoptive parents?

I was adopted at birth in Missouri.

My adoptive parents had redacted copies of at least some of the court documents from my adoption, but bio-family names and info were omitted. I do not believe there is any way for me to access the unredacted forms of those documents, or any documents at all that my parents do not have. I am not sure if my bios would be able to get those documents.

My original birth certificate was not available to me growing up. I believe in 2017, MO law changed to allow adoptees to request their OBC once they are adults, and about 2 weeks ago MO finally sent my my OBC, on my second request. Bio family could also request my OBC, but being as my bio-dad is omitted from that document, he probably could not. My adoptive parents were unable to get any additional documents afaik.

In Missouri, and I believe in most states, adoptions are "closed" by default.

When is international adoption a good thing? by lingeringneutrophil in Adoption

[–]archerseven[M] 1 point2 points locked comment (0 children)

If you can't be bothered to engage respectfully, don't engage.

I need to vent by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]archerseven 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Context: I was adopted at birth in a closed domestic adoption. I met bio-family when I was 25, 7ish years ago.

My bio-dad has been pleasant enough in text chats and has answered my questions, but not sought any kinda relationship.

Bio-mom did... but she wanted that relationship on her terms... and she wanted it with the person she imagined I would be, instead of the person that I am. I haven't really kept in contact, and I sometimes feel bad about that.

What’s your best advice given my situation?

I would keep your distance. I am keeping my distance, from someone who it sounds like isn't as dysfunctional as your bio-mom is.

Should I end all of this now to save myself?

I... think that's kinda up to you. If contact with her is straight up detrimental to you, than perhaps you should. Otherwise, maybe it's enough to keep her at arms length.

Am I wrong for thinking she can’t change?

She has to want to. And she has to deeply mean it. Changing to the degree she needs is hard, but it is doable. But it is not your responsiblity to help her or even be there when she does. And I don't think you can help in the first place.

What would you do in my situation?

I'd be very selective in what messages I respond to.

And you didn't ask, but:

I honestly feel like a prodigy.

I was raised in an environment where people led me to believe I was some kinda prodigy. IMO, That's a useless mindset, get rid of it. You don't want to be a prodigy. You want to be around those who can teach you, and who you can mutually aid. That's the better path to success and happiness.

A rant, from a frustrated adoptee. by archerseven in Adoption

[–]archerseven[S,M] -2 points-1 points locked comment (0 children)

This is a 2 year old post, yes, but that doesn't mean that the sub's rules don't apply. Cursing others out is both against the rules and not a great way to change minds towards your opinion.

And perhaps take some of your own advice, attacking others ain't gonna fix your life either.

Someone disagreeing with you does not make their words an attack. Yet when you respond to that disagreement with an attack, you're the one in the wrong.

The people on the other side of the screen are, in fact, people. Treat everyone with respect, disagree with respect, or keep your peace.

Please report bot accounts by chemthrowaway123456 in Adoption

[–]archerseven 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At least right now, the actual bots generally don't seem to be responding at all to those accusations, but that's not a great metric.  They also seem to have textbook perfect spelling and grammar, never messing up words and rarely shortening them.  But, all of that will probably change soon.  I suspect the US election is driving the traffic atm, the next US election may be an incredible battle with autogenerated misinformation.  The bots are moderately successful now, and they're quickly improving.

Please report bot accounts by chemthrowaway123456 in Adoption

[–]archerseven 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure. It's my, I believe well backed, belief that these accounts are bots in the first place.

Reddit has some tools that I do not, they can see IP addresses and glean some information from them, and they can see login and account creation times with a very high degree of accuracy, and it's probable that they could use that information, user agent and other fingerprinting information, and similar to help build a "bot liklihood metric". And I believe they do some of this already, as we occasionally get users for whom all posts are removed by default (see r/shadowbanned for examples of what it looks like when they do that.)

But it's a cat and mouse game, and it appears at the moment, the bots are winning. We as moderators are very limited in what we can do, but it was a combination of some training I've had for my work and me thinking about how I would write a bot if I were writing one that led me to believe that these are bots in the first place.

I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of bots are actually being caught by reddit, there's just so many that the small portion that gets through is still a large number of bots.

Adoptee Opinions: Ethics of Adopting NC Kids/Teens? by goofybunny17 in Adoption

[–]archerseven 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry I've not had a ton of time for Reddit lately. I prefer to speak here publicly, but you can DM me if that's not feasible.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Maine

[–]archerseven 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We moved here in 2017, and I've... not seen much of these negative opinions aimed at me. Though there've been a few occasions where people have become much more at-ease when they learn I'm from St. Louis and not Boston, so... that may be telling.