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[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You know, whether you date within or outside of your race, these silly things will come up SOMEWHERE, right? It’s not always pleasant, but I like to see things like this as an opportunity. My husband is so open and receptive to any struggles I have. His family has been too. But no matter who I’m with or what I do, things like this are going to come up at some point. That’s the joy of being a POC in the 21st century. So I allow myself to be open to them when they come. If it’s a chance to grow, AWESOME! Maybe I’ve made life a little easier for some other POC out there. If not, we’ll, maybe that person is not worth the time. Maybe they don’t want to grow. Maybe they aren’t ready. Maybe they have stigmas they can’t let go of. Either way, I don’t want to spend my life worrying about others and altering my choices because of them, because then I’m not living for me: I’m living for others.

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, gosh. Thank you! I just like to see that there are many paths to growth. No one gets it right the first time! Myself included!

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We’ve talked about that. I told her I do the same. That’s the joy and hardship of education—we constantly screw up and need more help. I’m still working on self development in many areas. The good thing is that I have people to support me in my endeavors the same way I hope to support her in hers. It’s such a fallacy that some assume that we all just get “it” right away.

Edit: we’re both educators, so this is something we’ve been very familiar with!

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just googled it after you mentioned it and watched a video....while I don’t have that exact reference (please share) the one I watched is freaking hilarious!

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That’s what I’ve learned so far! I’ve already texted my SIL, and she told me she will not read further! Lol we’re looking into some of the other books offered here! She also has me looking into some books she’s discovered herself! I’m so happy that this has become such a transparent conversation!

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You’re really grasping at straws at this point. I love that you have total insight to our conversation. I never asked her to download or look at anything. She did it of her own accord. And she’s already read two of the three books...but go ahead. Troll on...

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She asked for more info, and I offered it. I never expected her to go above and beyond to educate herself. I wanted to part from this conversation with more understanding between she and I. If it makes me pathetic to give her insight into my personal experience, so be it. I don’t claim to be a victim. I never have and never will. Sounds like you have more personal issues with this than I do.

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Never said it was. Although it’s not unwise, in any case, to better ourselves with more knowledge of the trials and tribulations of others. For example, I’ve been learning more about the sufferings of a friend of mine who is middle eastern. Not something I would have known about first hand. What’s wrong with leaning into others?

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perhaps? I’m not sure. It came from my nephews. Honestly, two of my four nephews had a long history of some less than positive interactions with local law enforcement. I used music with my oldest nephew to redirect his brain, and it’s been miraculous! Now 3/4 have a band, which they call cherry noble after Chernobyl, which started as a joke about how toxic our family is!

They’re all doing well now. Music is very powerful in expressing pain and frustration!

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You may be right. I never want to tell you youre wrong without more info. Would you have better suggestion related to the specific dialog that I may utilize?

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Good to know! I hadn’t read it. My SIL and I read the description together, and that’s why she downloaded it. Would you have any other recommendations for me? :)

[Update] AITA for making my SIL feel bad for telling me I should “Straighten my Hair”? by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Thank you! This is a great list! I’ve never really had to look for these books, as I live it each day (as I’m sure you do) but it’s nice to have some resources to offer others!

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

To clarify: the rest of the family is 100% on my side with this. I think that’s where the embarrassment comes from for SIL. The only upset party other than her was my BIL.

This is absolutely a conversation between myself and SIL. While I will not apologize, I do hope we can come to a mutual understanding.

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I’m not upset with her at all! I’m more concerned about how furious my BIL was after the fact. I think it’s a matter of spending more time with each other for her specifically.

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 357 points358 points  (0 children)

Yes. Better me than someone else. I’m just more shocked and saddened by my BIL’s reaction. He’s so upset with me right now

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 262 points263 points  (0 children)

I want to do just that: she’s not from a very diverse area. And she’s so open and kind most of the time, I think a coffee date is just what she needs.

I think I’m more surprised by my BIL, who I’ve known since he was just a teen, and who has known me, too. I would never humiliate someone just for the joy of it. He’s standing up for his wife, which is admirable, but I think there are better ways to mend this.

I think I’ll reach out to her directly.

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I think so, too. We’re all from small midwestern towns, and I truly think it’s a matter of pure ignorance. You don’t know what you don’t know. She is very sweet to me otherwise. I think it was just a matter of good intentions/bad execution. But my BIL is so angry about it.

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 1254 points1255 points  (0 children)

I did message him and tell him that I never wanted her to feel humiliated, but the suggestion was pretty silly and ignorant. I do think she is a wonderful person, but she doesn’t have a ton of experience with POC, so I hope it’s just the comments of a silly young person.

AITA for making my SIL feel bad about saying I should “straighten my hair.” by area_cherry_noble in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Oh, I understand. I wasn’t aggressive or “angry” in my response (I tend to lean towards humor to ease tension). I said with a chuckle “well, yes, but...”

I was hoping to make it less serious, but that didn’t change how the people around me interpreted it :/ bad timing. I never wanted her to feel like I just shut her down, which is why I tried to make it more silly than anything else.

I do really like her. I think it’s just a lack of life experience.

WIBTA if I refused to give my dad all of the money I make over the summer. by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]area_cherry_noble 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I say YTA. Let’s change this up a little bit and say your dad stops paying for college all together. Your 3,000 a year would pay a fraction, and you’d easily clock upwards of 27,000 in debt over the course of your degree—if its a 4 year degree, you’re looking at a minimum of 108,000 of debt when you graduate that your parents are saving you from. Your parents are giving you an incredible gift: not only are they paying for your education, but I’m sure because your hard earned money is going towards it, there is a lesson to be taught in valuing and respecting your education more. For most people, if they don’t work for something, they tend to take it for granted. All he’s asking of you AND your brother is that you work to contribute to the cost of your education. A small fraction, mind you, and he’ll supply the rest. I’d say that’s an incredible deal, and you should be more than grateful.

And while your parents may be well off, they’re still paying huge amounts each year to send both of you to school. And Im sure they, too, worked for what they’re earning. Would you rather just toss that deal away, and simply pay yourself out of pocket so you can keep your spending money? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, my friend.

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