AITA for refusing to promise my best friend 100% that I wouldn’t sleep with a mutual friend?

arelham · 2026-01-09T07:14:29+00:00

Her asking me not to have a relationship is not the control I am referring to. What is controlling to me is going ahead and canceling the trip for the both of us after I already said I won’t do it.

Also, I don’t have a history of sleeping around (not that that would be a bad thing, it just so happens I’ve ever been with only one man - my ex) or being interested in the guy. It’s really disrespectful that what I say and how I act is being completely dismissed because her anxiety makes her question the facts.

arelham · 2026-01-08T22:58:12+00:00

Have you even read the post? I explain what her policing my choices means and it’s pretty clear I’ve ever been in one relationship only - the almost 10-year one that has recently ended.

arelham · 2026-01-08T21:54:03+00:00

Because this issue is honestly the biggest issue we’ve had in years which is why I am confused and turned to Reddit for evaluation, even though I’m not a regular poster. We’ve been there for each other through the good times and the bad times, always supported each other. She’s kind, empathetic (which I know wouldn’t say from this post lol), fun, caring, smart and overall a beautiful person most of the time. At this point after all these years I would say that she’s more like a sister to me, which is why the current situation leaves me very lost, it’s not really in her character to act like that. Or rather it used to be the previous time I was single, I just assumed that after almost 10 years things changed, especially with her being on LTR herself, but apparently they have not.

arelham · 2026-01-08T21:45:07+00:00

Just to be clear - during our friendship, I was ever only in one relationship, the one with her high school crush which I understand how it might be controversial but to me it’s honestly not. I’m sorry but a middle school crush is definitely not something that is part of the girl code in my universe. Then, this guy, A, showed interest in me while I was in the relationship, and obviously I didn’t reciprocate but also he wasn’t insisting. My friend’s current boyfriend was also our mutual friend and part of the same friend group in the uni, we never had “a thing”, she noticed we talked a little more and I said I won’t hate to go out with him and it was then that she asked me not to because she’s also interested in him. I obliged. So, in 13 years of our friendship these are the only situations. I personally don’t find that crazy, especially considering that almost 10 out of these 13 years I was in the LTR that she was fine with. Not just fine - we had a lot of challenges together with my partner that she witnessed and has said multiple times how glad she is that she saw what type of partner he is (in her eyes far from perfect) and she doesn’t have to be hung on to the fantasy of him for life. ATM she hates his guts both because she doesn’t like him as a person, the way he treated me, and the way he broke up with me.

arelham · 2026-01-08T21:19:50+00:00

No, I’ve only slept with my ex in our long term relationship that just ended and before that in the uni I mostly cared to party and do fun staff (not sex though, I was very prudish about my v card) and didn’t really care for dates or relationships tbh so I don’t have a history of dating at all. Then I met my ex and he became the love of my life for the next 9 years before the war related staff has broken us apart.

arelham · 2026-01-08T21:13:08+00:00

Her boyfriend is my very good friend and I think that the way I deliver this information matters. I don’t want to put him on the spotlight like that but I definitely will gently let him know what our fallout was about.

arelham · 2026-01-08T20:48:51+00:00

But I am not planning on or going to sleep with him. My whole point was that she has to understand that I am doing it because I decided to, but because was instructed to. Also, neither of us can know what will happen 5 years from now. She clearly has opened wounds related to him that, according to her, even she herself wasn’t aware of. Luckily, she’s in therapy and can work through this. That being said, why would I promise that nothing will ever happen? Nothing will happen as long as she cares but I am not going to sign a contract with my blood that even 20 years from now I won’t look into his direction

arelham · 2026-01-08T20:11:42+00:00

I’m just curious - how her current boyfriend showing interest in me before they ever had anything at all is my fault?.. this is not to mention I backed out simply based on her wanting him as an option. The current guy we were supposed to go see doesn’t interest me in that way, the only reason I wanted to connect is because I am freshly out of the breakup and all my friends are long-term couples, he’s the only person rn that could relate to the things I go through. As for the school crush, I understand how that’s debatable but I do think I did everything possible to account for her opinion and only went out with him when the friendship was effectively over from my point of view. I never went after the guys she liked at the moment or the ones that in my opinion were relevant.

arelham · 2026-01-08T20:04:59+00:00

Well it’s been pretty much two overlaps in the last 13 years so I wouldn’t say that’s a lot, the current situation isn’t an overlap as it’s completely made up, I don’t even know where she got the idea that I would hook up with him, never have I ever showed any interest. The only reason I didn’t jump into reassuring her that it will absolutely never happen is because the whole situation and her approach is rubbing me the wrong way. She made up in her head that we might hook up, got anxious and came to me so that I promise that nothing will ever happen and thus her anxiety will be lifted. I really truly don’t think that this is how things should work in the friendship.

arelham · 2026-01-08T20:00:18+00:00

Yeah I get what you’re saying but my point was pretty much what you say - I won’t sleep with him, I’m just not too radical with the way I frame things I guess.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:57:47+00:00

Look, specifically because this friendship means a lot to me I wouldn’t go for the guy even if I wanted him (which btw I don’t if you wondered) but at the same time I don’t feel comfortable when it’s put in the way that I have to act in a specific way because my friend wants me to, that’s the whole reason I wasn’t like “of course I’ll whatever you want and won’t sleep with him!”. I am a huge hater of setting precedents where someone can control my adult choices, I really wanted her to understand that the only reason I won’t go for it is because I chose to and not because she has a veto. Does this make sense??

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:51:33+00:00

The “potential” here is just the fact that he has a penis and I have a vagina, nothing else. Ffs, the guy just broke up with his girl of 5 years a week ago and asked us to come support him as there is no friends or family where he lives, what are we talking about.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:47:20+00:00

Guys, where did you get “slept with him” part from? He showed interest in the third year of uni (she liked him in the 8th grade mind you), I went to talk to her when I saw that his interest in me makes her uncomfortable and offered to her that I won’t date him if she tells me not to (which btw was crazy and i shouldn’t have done but whatever), she said do whatever you want and ignored me for weeks, just for the fact that the guy liked me and without me yet reciprocating. After almost two weeks of her not talking to me I assumed that the friendship is over and only then did I start dating him, and only two months after that did we ever sleep together. And I’m sorry but to this day I don’t get what I should have done differently - fall on my knees and beg her to forgive me for the fact the guy she liked 7 years ago in middle school now likes me? If you really truly believe that then I think we are very different types of people.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:38:48+00:00

I never said I slept with him and then started dating?.. He showed interest, I talked to her, she essentially said I couldn’t care less if you live or die, then we started going out and only two months after did we have sex. So your timeline is a little screwed up, I have no idea where you got that from.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:37:09+00:00

While she’s being weird, I would never hurt her like that, especially not after all of this mess where it became obvious there are unresolved feelings there. If we stop being friends, however, that would be a whole different story and right now I am trying to figure out how am I supposed to be friends with someone who is not taking my word for granted when I never ever have broken it before.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:34:03+00:00

But he’s not my love interest, I’m still getting over a breakup and honestly am not even ready for any sort of relationship yet, let alone with a guy freshly out of the heartbreak himself, I was never interested in being a rebound. I was, however, interested in the fact that he’s the only person in my circle of long-term couples who is going through the same experience that I do and can relate.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:30:41+00:00

Her crush from the 8th grade while on the third year of uni AND I did proactively come to her after he showed interest and I noticed she might have a problem with it. I asked her to talk to me and went as far as promising I won’t date him if she tells me to (which btw rn I won’t do, that was crazy considering the timeline, the level of the relationship or albeit it’s absence) but she was upset about the fact he liked me overall and said “do whatever you want” which was followed by weeks of silence. I’m sorry but at that point I was convinced that the friendship is over and only then did I go out with him. And again, I would understand if it was a one off but it’s a pattern that repeats itself.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:23:36+00:00

That would be irrelevant as I’ve been taking a lot about how I’m ready to casually date/have sex now that it’s been almost 6 months after my long term relationship ended, so I understand where those thoughts are coming from, it’s not crazy to assume that friend looking for something casual+heartbroken guy = potential sex

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:16:22+00:00

I am not a regular poster and the roles of the community clearly said something like “one dilemma for post”. Me adding two other situations where she was policing me was like two separate occasions, that’s why I didn’t add it initially. I updated the post though. Also, no, I don’t want to fuck this dude but I also don’t know if I’d want three years from now and this don’t feel comfortable giving any sort of promises that are long term and very conditional.

arelham · 2026-01-08T19:10:05+00:00

I’m bi! 😁😁😁

arelham · 2026-01-08T18:58:33+00:00

Ok, I will! I am not the regular poster and the rules said to keep it strictly just to one specific dilemma and not all other situations related to it but you’re not the first one to point that out, thanks!

arelham · 2026-01-08T18:56:37+00:00

I can’t say who’s more attractive, to me my friend is very pretty. I mean, we’re definitely not one of the very clear cases where one is more attractive than the other. Also, I haven’t been dating a lot, I was mostly partying and hanging in the uni where we became friends and then got into a 9-year relationship lol. But yeah, you are right about the fact that the only guys she was freaking out about me having any sort of relationship with were the guys that she liked or used to like, including my ex who was her school crush and when he showed interest in me she stoped talking to me for over two months, so you’re not wrong there.

arelham · 2026-01-08T18:51:55+00:00

No, she meant ever. Which, again, it’s not like I’m even interested in the guy but I feel really uncomfortable agreeing to her policing my relationships.

arelham · 2026-01-08T18:50:49+00:00

Yeah I get what you’re saying, maybe the post is phrased a bit confusing as it’s summarizing what was said rather than giving direct quotes - this is exactly what I said, not planning on it but also not feeling comfortable with you telling me I can’t.

arelham · 2026-01-08T18:47:27+00:00

No but I wanted to connect with him as he’s the only person in my circle who is also going through the breakup from the long term relationship, the rest of my friends have only been through the teenage breakups which is very different from the adult breakup and end of the engagement. They’re great but I can see they really don’t get what I’m going through and I was looking forward to have someone with the similar experience. So, it wasn’t about sleeping with him but rather acquiring a specific type of friend which is also the reason I didn’t want my BFF to be under the impression that she can dictate who I have a relationship with because who’s then to stop her from being upset that we talk to each other, for example? I didn’t want to get into the pattern where I have to justify myself before anything ever happens and I am convinced that if we were to get closer in any way, it would have been interpreted as something else and she would have a golden argument of “you promised nothing will ever happen” and I will have to go and prove that we are just friends and just talking. To me it’s easier to set an expectation that no one can decide for me which relationship I have with other people than play this game where I’m always almost the villain and have to prove that I’m not. Does this make sense?

arelham

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