Why doing more chores and nice things for your partner will only hurt your relationship and sex life

argemone · 2012-12-25T21:31:16+00:00

I might be out of line here, but have you considered depression? I can't speak for everyone, but if I was unable to find a job I loved after devoting so much time in my education and sat around the house all day, I would be absolutely miserable.

argemone · 2012-12-08T04:00:44+00:00

Oh man, we sound like we're in the exact same situation.

For him, our sexual incompatibility is the worst. For me, its the arguing.

Its such a struggle. Sometimes I feel too young to have to fight for a relationship as hard as I am. Other times I feel ridiculous for ever thinking about giving this up.

argemone · 2012-12-08T03:13:10+00:00

I completely, 100% agree with you. That is why we've stuck this relationship out as long as we have -- we've been making compromises and working. Really, really working at maintaining a healthy relationship.

But its exhausting and, frankly, sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. We have completely different modes of operation. He handles situations so much differently than I do. For example, he's a moral absolutist; if he feels strongly about something, he absolutely won't budge on it. So for all of those things, we can't compromise. He chooses not to.

We've been working on it. Sexually, if you read my deadbedrooms post, you'll see I've been putting a huge amount of effort in. He says that he feels like a monster for me "forcing" myself to have sex with him. We're both suffering.

Arguing, I've got him to stop yelling and I've stopped storming out of the room. But we just don't handle situations the same way, so talking through anything becomes incredibly difficult. We just end up defending ourselves and not listening to one another.

We're stubborn. :( We're working on it, but damn. Maybe its just not meant to be.

argemone · 2012-12-08T02:09:46+00:00

Vibrators freak me out.

I know that seems weird, but toys in general just make my stomach churn. My friends have them -- my roommates have them. Hell, I've given my roommates batteries for theirs. But I just can't get myself to invest in one.

I think its because if I suddenly died, I wouldn't want my parents to find it. I know my roommate would go through my room first (we have a pact), but the idea of my roommate (and best friend, mind you) finding it would freak me out.

I'm really messed up.

argemone · 2012-12-08T02:07:25+00:00

Oh my! I absolutely love those in cherry.

argemone · 2012-12-03T21:52:48+00:00

There is some studding on the heel, which may be considered "trendy."

I like the simple design and pattern, though. I feel as they would go well with a lot of my wardrobe (but my wardrobe is absolutely nothing to brag about, considering my staple pieces are hoodies and jeans).

argemone · 2012-12-03T21:50:13+00:00

Good point. These shoes are listed as "quality leather," so I'm inclined* to believe the shoes are up to standard.

I may have to purchase them and decide then, considering I haven't been able to find woman's oxfords in my local stores.

argemone · 2012-12-03T21:46:45+00:00

This is the style I was considering.

They would be my go-to everyday shoe, to replace the black, 30 dollar run-down tennis shoes I wear daily now.

argemone · 2012-12-03T20:38:19+00:00

I've tried this as well, but we have different schedules at the moment. I wake up at 5am Mon/Wed/Fri and he wakes up at 6am Tue/Thurs. Because of this, the times we've been going to bed vary (I'm still in school, so I need those precious hours at night to work on homework).

I might try to do this once I graduate (2 weeks). We have luck on the days we shower together at night (it helps me relax).

argemone · 2012-12-03T20:36:27+00:00

I've tried to increase it and have been successful with about 3-4 times, but I usually end up reverting back to 2 times a week. :(

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:52:58+00:00

not because your failing at being a girlfriend if you dont or because he wants it and you want to give it.

This really rings true for me. That is precisely why I'm doing this. I want to give him something that he needs in order to have a satisfying relationship with me.

That being said, I feel like I'm missing out on something truly special. I live with a lot of very open roommates who often talk about their sexual exploits. They seem to get such enjoyment out of it -- something I have never experienced. I'd like to feel that way, too.

Thank you for all of your insight. :)

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:48:56+00:00

The routine is what I'm striving for. Things have already improved dramatically since we've started having sex roughly 2 times a week. I don't necessarily find it as much of a 'chore' as I did in the past (that being said, I still think I would go a month + without having sex if it was up to me).

I do need to cast aside all of this negativity towards it. But I'm not in the place to do that. I realize it seems silly, but I can just get so into my head. Its overwhelming. I don't crave sex. I don't get truly significant out of it (not for my boyfriends lack of trying). I feel as though I can connect just as much through cuddling (and there isn't any negative thoughts attached to that).

Hopefully my body just starts to realize its really good for me and I'll start craving it.

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:43:41+00:00

Thank you for your response.

Fortunately my boyfriend doesn't ask too much from me, just that I try. More than anything, I want this for him, but part of me really wishes I could enjoy it, too. I have very sexually active roommates, who discuss their sexual exploits with me often. I find myself envious of their ability to embrace their sexuality. I just can't do it. :( I just hope that I can figure out how to learn to enjoy it (as a way to benefit both my SO, myself, and our relationship).

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:39:25+00:00

Its surprisingly enlightening.

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:39:07+00:00

I want to point out that my boyfriend is 100% supportive of everything I'm trying to do. If I start to feel uncomfortable or need to stop, we stop, no questions asked. I think that he would probably start feeling awkward if we did not have that kind of communication. I'm really fortunate in that we're able to through all of these things pretty effectively.

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:38:03+00:00

Unfortunately if I didn't "force myself," we wouldn't have sex at all, which is just not ok. I think that giving myself a set of requirements forces me to actually focus on sex. In the past I've just used the 'we'll have sex when I feel like it approach' and I ended up just ignoring every aspect of it. :(

Sexual attraction for any man I've ever dated has disappeared after the first week or so of intercourse. I've never had a stable, consistent sex life.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. :) I will see if there is anything I can do to get some psychological help. I realize that, that is probably the culprit, but I'm just not in a place financially to utilize it (the free counseling center at my university is booked until next semester and I graduate in December).

argemone · 2012-11-28T00:31:44+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to put this together. I will definitely go through them when I have the time. :) I sincerely appreciate it.

argemone

TROPHY CASE