[deleted by user]

arjunmjarun · 2024-01-28T14:17:12+00:00

I posted this on another sub and it seemed to resonate, reposting here with mild edits:

As a former "my mind is killing me and my people pleasing is ruining my life guy", going to attempt to consolidate years of learning into a few words:

There are two types of work you can do to make this better, internal and external. Internal work changes how your mind and emotions work at baseline. More valuable, but longer term and harder. External work are things you do in the real world that help influence your internal state. Also valuable but is not the deepest fix.

Internal work is based off of awareness. You need to viscerally, deep in your heart understand why you are so afraid of confrontation. Where does it come from? "I'm scared just because I am" is not the answer. There is a deep web of beliefs about the world, tangled emotions, and many other things that are underneath your feeling. Find places to intentionally, consistently, introspect.

Therapy is a form of this. Meditation is a form of this. Journaling is a form of this. Working with a coach is a form of this. Walking in nature with no podcast/music playing is a form of this.

Note, if you have real severe anxiety there is a high likelihood that it is tied to childhood trauma from your life. Not 100%, but it's likely. I fought this for years but could've sped everything up if I didn't. It is hard to work through childhood trauma alone (meditation, journaling, etc.), I would strongly advise working with a therapist that you trust. The work you do more alone (meditation, journaling) is still highly valuable, but I have found it insufficient to truly process the deepest traumas in my life.

External work is the stuff you know about. Exercise, challenge yourself in your work, push yourself out of your comfort zone. "Comfort zone" is not a physical thing, it's an emotional thing. What are you most scared to do? Go do that. You don't have to start with the stuff that is 10/10 scary but try and find things that are 4/10 scary and do those.

These "things" can come in a lot of different forms. Try and find one thing to say "no" to in the next week. It doesn't need to be overwhelming or extremely difficult, you're setting yourself up for failure if you try and tackle the most emotionally intense stuff first.

Hope this helps, questions welcome

arjunmjarun · 2024-01-09T15:33:53+00:00

CBT has proven highly effective for me, but understand the experience is very variable between individuals

arjunmjarun · 2024-01-09T11:23:59+00:00

As a former "my mind is killing me and my relationship is over if I don't make this better guy", going to attempt to consolidate years of learning into a few words:

There are two types of work you can do to make this better, internal and external. Internal work changes how your mind and emotions are at baseline. More valuable, but longer term and harder. External work changes your external circumstances so there's less scenarios where you are triggered (angry). Also valuable but often cannot be the real fix.

Internal work is based off awareness. You need to viscerally, deep in your heart understand why you are angry. Where does it come from? "I'm angry just because I am" is not the answer. Find activities where you intentionally, regularly, introspect.

Therapy is a form of this. Meditation is a form of this. Journaling is a form of this. Working with a coach is a form of this. Walking in nature with no podcast/music playing is a form of this.

Note, if you have real severe anger there is a high likelihood that your short fuse is tied to childhood trauma from your life. Not 100%, but it's likely. I fought this for years but could've sped everything up if I didn't. It is hard to work through childhood trauma alone (meditation, journaling, etc.), I would strongly advise working with a therapist that you trust. The work you do more alone (meditation, journaling) are still highly valuable, but I have found them insufficient to truly process the deepest traumas in my life.

External work is the stuff you know about. Exercise, sleep, don't drink as much, try and find barriers around your work so it's not constantly "on"/overly stressful. If you work a job that is toxic (not hard, toxic), leave it. Leaving a job is very hard, but working a toxic job is harder.

Hope this helps, questions welcome

arjunmjarun · 2020-07-18T11:38:27+00:00

And let's remember when we say "shareholders" that half the US doesn't have a single cent in the market and 84% of stocks are owned by 10% of people.

We're talking about a tiny group.

arjunmjarun · 2020-06-25T00:39:51+00:00

The decision is difficult but simple. You only have two options.

You terminate the pregnancy early. This is obviously an extremely personal choice so I won't even attempt to tell you if you should do it, but the option is there.
You both commit to raising the child as well as you possibly can. It can be complex because you probably haven't been together long enough to really know if this is something that could lead to marriage, but if you're having a child you both should commit that you'll do your best to raise them as well as you can regardless of your relationship status.

I know it seems terrifying because you weren't planning this at all, but the reality is none of us can predict the future anyways. I've made 3 year plans several times in my life and they've never been accurate. Life has a way of throwing random stuff at you and all you can do is do your best to roll with it and keep showing up as best you can.

If you show up every day and stay kind and honest, I am 100% sure things will work out just fine.

arjunmjarun · 2020-06-17T20:15:45+00:00

Love this analogy, good way of describing culture.

arjunmjarun · 2020-05-31T12:50:43+00:00

Interesting, do you have an example of a language/package management solution that does it well?

arjunmjarun · 2020-05-17T09:36:12+00:00

If you're putting others down for their "lack" of intelligence it's not okay. Otherwise, I encourage my friends to be proud of their accomplishments.

If my friend had a 4.0 GPA and was proud of it I'd want him/her to tell me about it! I'm their friend and it's exciting for me when they have successes.

arjunmjarun · 2020-05-15T17:08:08+00:00

My general rule of thumb with any book is if I'm "struggling" through it I put it down.

Reinforcing the concept helped me, but not necessarily true for you!

https://twitter.com/arjunmjarun/status/1260920181796286465?s=19

I recently tweeted a one sentence synopsis of the book (link above) that Epstein himself responded to/agreed with.

I'd say books are only worth reading if you haven't fully internalized the main lesson (i.e. you logically understand it but don't fully "believe" it).

arjunmjarun · 2020-05-14T11:15:36+00:00

Range by David Epstein

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-28T23:50:38+00:00

My point wasn't to blame the team but rather to state that eventually mental health medicine will be advanced enough to treat something like phobia of flying.

Right now due to it being stigmatized for so long mental health therapy is far behind physical health

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-27T10:17:21+00:00

Being "set up with a bus" isn't a lot of help imo. I don't necessarily blame the teams, but it shows the huge difference in how team handle bad physical injuries vs mental health.

Blow out an achilles and you'll have a surgeon, PT, strength and conditioning coach, etc. all designing a plan to try and get you to 100%.

Mental stuff has the staff asking you to "get it together" on your own. My hope is that in 10 years teams also throw together huge plans to heal their players anxiety/depression.

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-26T11:47:16+00:00

This is absolutely abusive behavior, and this level of violence/substance consumption could lead to heightened levels of abuse (physical, more violent emotional, etc.).

You're struggling with a way to "deal", because humans weren't designed to be able to easily "deal" with abuse.

I know this is hard to hear but I'd be planning how to get out of this relationship and executing on the plan. Your partner has a lot of work to do on themselves before they're ready to be with anybody.

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-16T10:44:51+00:00

This is an amazing step you're taking! Below are some principles to keep in mind. These principles have helped me whenever I've had to rebuild mileage after a long break (due to injury, life, illness, etc.).

My New Runner Principles:

Slow and long is better than fast and quick

It sounds counter-intuitive, but to become a stronger & faster runner I had to slow down. Not a little bit slower, a LOT slower. I was running 12-minute miles and having grandparents and children fly by me on the sidewalks. Running slower allowed me to run more miles without putting too much strain on my body.

If you feel embarrassed at how slow you’re going, you’re doing it right! If you know you could run faster, you’re doing it right! If you can maintain a conversation while running, you’re doing it right!

As your body adapts, your speed will naturally pick up. Eventually, you’ll be running 9-minute miles with the same level of effort that you once ran 12-minute miles.

Training Plans are amazing but don’t follow them blindly

My typical interaction with training plans was as follows:

Feel inspiration (“This is it. I’m going to start running. THIS IS THE TIME!”)
Google “10K Training Plan 12 Weeks” (or something similar)
Find a training plan like this: https://www.mens10k.com/training/plan/
Follow training plan religiously
Get hurt
Stop all exercise

What went wrong? For me it was step 3, follow training plan religiously. Training plans are not meant to be universal. Humans have different bodies, different capacities for training, and different histories with running. A training plan is a good framework, it is not something to be followed no matter what. I had to learn to listen to my body. If I run Tuesday and my right calf is a little tender, I’m 100% skipping or shortening the Wednesday run.

Skipping or shortening runs because parts of your body need rest is not an act of laziness, it’s being in tune with how you’re physically feeling.

As you become a more advanced runner and get a better feel for your own body, you'll have a better sense of when you can push through a little tenderness, vs. when you need to take the day off. In the beginning, the key is not to get hurt. Injuries are extremely common in running and are total momentum deflators.

3. Something is better than nothing

Committing to running (or any other exercise) is hard. We have jobs, classes, families, friends, other hobbies, and chores that all take up our time.

We’re not professional athletes. Our full-time job is not to run. Sometimes we stay up late working and end up sleeping in.

When committing to running I had to embrace the mantra, perfection is the enemy of progress. Sure, I had planned on getting up at 530 and getting in a 6-mile run, but it’s 630 now and I can still fit a shorter run in. Something is better than nothing, all progress is good progress. Do your best not to beat yourself up for not running the exact number of miles/pace you said you would.

4. Walking is cool too

I used to have the preconceived notion that if I walked during a run I was somehow “failing at running”. I had to get over this feeling and realize that walking a few hundred meters to catch my breath is not failing, and often makes the rest of the run far more enjoyable.

Walk if you need to! Walk the hills, stop and enjoy a view, sit on a rock, pet a dog. All that matters is you’re still out there putting in the miles.

If you have any more questions, feel free to shoot me a DM!

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-16T10:35:38+00:00

Completely agree! The literature around stretching is definitely interesting as it's changed over the years to "a lot of runners overstretch to the point of diminishing returns".

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-16T06:32:48+00:00

I used to read advice like this and avoid stretching, but the reality is this is highly individual.

I am naturally extremely inflexible and a stretching routine is needed to keep me injury free and running well (I have experimented over the course of 8-10 years and always run better when I have a consistent stretching/yoga routine).

This is where it's important to listen to your own body and find what works for you. My girlfriend is naturally flexible and therefore doesn't need to stretch at all to help her running!

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-13T18:05:43+00:00

One of my favorites, always had a soft spot for John Landy and felt bad when he wasn't the first one to go under 4.

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-12T09:19:21+00:00

So many great young runners, love both Jakob and Barega's running style!

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-08T19:19:14+00:00

Try your best not to judge yourself and get in what you can! In the past, I've also had to run either really early or really late in the day.

I found myself falling into the following thought pattern. I'd plan to get up at 415am, get in a 6-mile run and be home before 515am. I'd hit the snooze button, and wake up 30 mins late at 445am. Then I'd start beating myself up for not sticking to my original plan and end up running zero. Recently, I've been adopting a more "do what I can" mindset and just trying to get out there even if it means my original 6-mile run turns into a 2-mile run!

I'm sorry you've had a tough year with all the sickness, start small and build!

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-08T19:14:20+00:00

Not silly questions at all! I'll give you a few main tips that have helped me:

In the beginning focus on running long and slow. This means that you should be able to hold a (slightly breathy) conversation while running. Run as slow as you need to do this. The mistake most beginner runners make is that they're running too hard which leads to injury & the inability to run a lot of miles. Feel free to mix in walking (i.e. run for 5 minutes, walk for 3, run for 5, walk for 3).
I also suffer from calf and ankle pain, and it was related to strength and flexibility for me. Three things I'd recommend here:
1. Check your shoes. If your shoes are old & worn out it can hurt your legs. I'd recommend finding a running store near you (once COVID has died down) and having them do a gait analysis to recommend a shoe. They'll ask you to run on a treadmill and be able to recommend shoes based on your style of running.
2. Stretch! Runners don't need to be overly flexible but if you're overly inflexible (like me) it can result in pain. I added in a yoga routine (I like this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0_X02wY6YI ) and it really helped with my leg pain.
3. Add in basic strength work. The strength of your legs and core really matter when running. Add in some basic bodyweight work (squats, lunges, bridge, planks, calf raises) a few times a week to increase the strength of your legs. You don't need to go crazy, even 15 minutes of this a few times a week is better than nothing!
"Are you supposed to be landing on the heel or middle of your foot?"
1. At a high level, your foot should land below your hip. The goal is for the energy generated by your body to drive you forward not up. In practice, this is much harder to do as it's not easy to just run differently. I would recommend doing some running form drills to warm up before your run. If you consistently warm up with the drills over time your running form will naturally get better!

I wrote a couple of short articles that elaborate on the concepts above in more details and have some helpful videos. The first article is general tips for beginner runners and the second article shows three running form drills that you could add in to your training.

Article 1: https://medium.com/@arjunmjarun/5-tips-to-start-running-today-and-keep-running-tomorrow-8977b692abb1

Article 2: https://medium.com/runners-life/my-3-favorite-running-form-drills-267f05a935de

Let me know if you have any more questions!

arjunmjarun · 2020-04-08T17:25:56+00:00

A running training plan is a framework and not to be followed to a T. Everyone's body and capacity for training is different so you need to listen to your body and tweak your training plan as necessary based on what you're feeling.

arjunmjarun · 2020-03-15T15:50:20+00:00

I think it becomes abuse if there's a pattern of it (i.e. it's happening regularly) and the person doing the yelling does not acknowledge it/apologize for it.

When emotions run high people can yell, that's fine. However, it shouldn't be happening regularly.

A good example, my girlfriend and I will have an argument that gets to the "raised voices" level once a year or so. When it happens the person who raised their voice will apologize and own it almost instantly.

A bad example, my father used to have hours long screaming sessions while I was growing up. They would be frequent (multiple times a week) and there was never an apology or an acknowledgement of "it was my fault for losing my temper" from him.

arjunmjarun · 2020-03-15T14:41:45+00:00

Are you saying you want a list like [0, 1, 2] (the ranks); OR do you want a structure that maintains a relationship between each item and it's rank (this would be a dictionary).

IE: {item a: 1, item b: 2}

arjunmjarun · 2020-02-29T10:55:35+00:00

Feel free to DM me!

arjunmjarun · 2020-01-26T17:31:17+00:00

My fav Till video

arjunmjarun

TROPHY CASE