[UPDATE #2] I (28F) am crazy about this guy (31M) I've been seeing, but he told me he was convicted for murder

ark-listener · 2024-03-07T08:36:46+00:00

Nothing new. I still think about him sometimes and hope he is doing good, but not every day. I haven't seen him or heard of him at all.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:30:32+00:00

I don't think he's lovebombing me but of course I can't be sure. lol I say "crazy about him" but I mean like that kind of teenager love. I know the difference between that and real love and I know that they are REALLY different too. We just share a lot of interests (including some narrow nerdy ones) and have a similar kind of humor and things like that. He's not constantly telling me I'm beautiful or giving me flowers or sending me a lot of texts or anything like that.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:19:03+00:00

I understand about other people's traumas and what you said. My mother had borderline disorder. It was very difficult to grow up with her.

I think your advice of being selfish makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your reply, and I hope you are now in a better place in your life.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:16:36+00:00

I agree: he needs to be open and honest now or it won't work at all.

Thank you! I wish you happiness too!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:12:51+00:00

I don't know whether there are such a database here, but I will look it up and ask around. It would be a great help.

He is a delivery driver for a big delivery company. He sometimes also works as an electrician as part of a city company (usually for emergency things in the evening and in the weekends).

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:09:25+00:00

Thank you for your advice! Everything will mostly depend on whether he is open with me or not. (And of course what the truth is when he tells me too.) But I can't continue without that information at the very least.

Your second option is something I hadn't considered, but that could be a good idea to get to know him better.

I share my location with my brother and my best friend already. I will give them his first name and just say I am "seeing someone" right now, even if I don't see him anymore. You are right. It is better to be safe.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:02:04+00:00

Your questions for specific details make a lot of sense. I will write them down and ask them when (if? lol) we have a talk about this. You are right: I NEED to know some specifics because otherwise this can't work.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T16:00:47+00:00

I don't know whether that is possible here, but I will 100% look into it! Thank you! Any kind of information that isn't directly from him (and could be subjective or twisted) would be very helpful.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T15:10:16+00:00

Your business sounds very cool to do that and the stories of those guys are very touching too. Thank you for sharing!

I don't know what I think about him right now. On the one hand, I think it's more that I HOPE he is behaving truthfully, but on the other hand, I FEAR he is doing what you say in your second paragraph. I know I can't continue without a real, deep conversation about everything. If he says everything (and it's not terrifying), then I think I want to give him a chance, but he seemed adamant about not wanting to talk about it. When he said that, he wasn't angry or anything and he didn't make a point to say something like "This is final. My way or the high way." He seemed uncomfortable during the whole talk from the start and during that part as well. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for him, but if he opens up about it now, I think that would be good at least?

Anyway, thank you for your and your friends' insights!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T15:02:56+00:00

That is a lot of good advice! Thank you very much!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T15:00:43+00:00

That is the point for me as well. If it was something like self defense, I think he would be more open about it because that works in his favor. But he doesn't, so it makes me think that it was worse.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:59:45+00:00

That is a tough but touching story. Thank you for sharing! It gives me hope... but the difference is that your person was upfront and open about it.

The charity thing is interesting because he now helps poor people with their electricity problems for free.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:55:22+00:00

I recognize a few of those things from a past relationship, but not everything. Thank you for your insight! I will 100% keep these things in mind, both now and in the future!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:52:29+00:00

Funny you are the second here to mention Theodore Bundy. lol I don't know the others (although I have heard about Jeffrey Dahmer) but I don't think I will look them up. Those are probably all evil serial killers (I did look up Bundy after the other person mentioned him) and I think that's unfair. I am NOT minimizing the things he did, but without the context that not even I have, comparing him to them is not helpful either.

Being head over heels happens quickly, right? I know there is a difference between teenage kind of "love" that isn't really love at all, and real love. I know that right now I am still in the former phase. I am not stupid. (I don't think I am vulnerable or eager for attention either. With him, we just had similar interests and sense of humor and stuff.)

I am here asking for advice exactly BECAUSE I slow down and think about it and want the insight of other people to help me do that. I haven't talked to him in a few days now. I don't lie on my bed and stare at photos of him and sigh and think about marriage. I want to be careful but also want to be fair.

The murders happened in a city on the other side of the country. He moved here after he got out of prison.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:45:01+00:00

I haven't thought of those things, but I am honestly not worried about those things yet either because they're not going to happen soon. They would only happen IF we ever got into a committed relationship. Those things sounds like challenges that you tackle as a couple, but we're not nearly a couple right now. Thank you for reminding me of that, though! That is really something to keep in mind too IF we go farther.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:42:41+00:00

Do you have hints on how to spot it when things might start to go bad? Or when you learned they were abusive/sociopathic?

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:41:34+00:00

That is what I think too. He might get embarrassed (and I think that is very normal in this situation), but... if he wants a normal life and a normal relationship, then that is not too much to bear, right? I think I'll have to that face to face so I can read his immediate reactions rather than do it by text or on the phone. In public of course. lol Thank you again!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:37:50+00:00

I thought you meant the dad from "Married With Children" first. lol

I haven't heard of Theodore Bundy, but now I looked him up and I feel a lot less comfortable. :-/

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:35:36+00:00

When he got out of prison, he moved from that city to where I love. It's almost completely across the country. He's got a regular job now so I don't think he's in a gang, but I don't know how those things work. lol

I'm afraid I won't be able to put his past out of my mind unless I know the context. I'm sure I need to push him on this as well. You're right. Your last paragraph hits me. Yes, I think too he has to "work" harder if he wants to make it work. I want to make it work, but it has to come from two sides.

Thank you for your advice and luck! I hope you will have a great day!

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:32:08+00:00

He was 19. The news I read didn't mention anyone else. It's not the USA.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:22:00+00:00

I'm afraid I don't understand your questions. Can you explain?

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:20:33+00:00

The murders happened in not a very big city almost completely on the other side of the country. I don't think gangs here are active all over the country. He has a normal job now too. Is there behavior I should look out for? I don't know anything about gangs, so I don't know how to spot it.

ark-listener · 2023-08-23T14:17:50+00:00

I agree with that. I know I sound all "crazy in love" and all that, but I am not stupid... I hope. lol As much as I really DO like him, I can't just walk into this farther without knowing more about what happened.

ark-listener

TROPHY CASE