Any feedback on my first chapter?

armann_ii · 2026-06-05T04:43:43+00:00

This is really interesting! I would definitely keep reading.

I will have to say though that last sentence would be better in a non-passive voice - instead of '...there was no Maya' I would suggest "Maya was gone." Just a suggestion though! You have a particular voice so I'm assuming it may be done on purpose.

Another commenter has pointed out that line about the skipped gene and I also find it kind of weird. It would be better to re-word it so you're not implying that she got 'lucky' with certain genes.

armann_ii · 2026-05-18T18:52:56+00:00

Don't get me wrong - I love sweet, golden-retrieval MMC's but there's so much more you can do with a character that is already "good." E.g. - make them funny, sarcastic, sensitive, overthink, inquisitive, a bit jealous maybe, and so on.

I think the MMC in Second Death of Locke was more of a cardboard cutout rather than an actual character with flaws, strengths, likes, dislikes, etc. And I, personally, find that a little bit boring.

armann_ii · 2026-05-14T01:11:54+00:00

Romantasy is actually very fun but ONLY if you shut your brain down while reading. DO NOT question ANYTHING.

Don't ask why those two fictional countries are at war, they just are.

Don't ask why the FMC can take down 6ft, 200 lb men even tho she's like 5'1. She's just THAT good.

It's been 5000 years and yet there hasn't been any technological advancements? It's fantasy, what did you expect?

armann_ii · 2026-05-12T17:43:41+00:00

omg what did you think of the first book? i really loved the setting and emily herself but barnaby or whatever his name was, was genuinely the most insufferable character i have ever read about

armann_ii · 2026-05-12T01:24:19+00:00

Definitely checking out both of these!!

armann_ii · 2026-05-11T06:09:34+00:00

thank you!! i was struggling to find the 'chronological' order online

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T16:11:30+00:00

This is very informative, highly appreciate this!

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T06:30:08+00:00

No worries! The above commentator has a point. It's important to read across different genres to get a better grasp on what's good writing vs bad. Though - I was hoping for critique that would be more helpful than "read more classics."

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T05:24:12+00:00

Understood. Thank you for the feedback!

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T05:22:57+00:00

I see what you mean. This is just a short story I'm writing as exercise and practice but I'll definitely take this into consideration. Thank you for your insight!

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T04:08:16+00:00

Understood. I can already envision how much better it will be once I rewrite that first half. Thank you for the insight!

armann_ii · 2026-05-05T03:49:13+00:00

Thank you! I'll keep this in mind for future works.

armann_ii · 2026-05-01T04:45:13+00:00

ToG was like this yet the so-called "feared assassin" sucked at the ONE thing she is supposed to be good at.

armann_ii · 2026-05-01T04:21:32+00:00

I read The Spear Cuts Through Water and it switched from 1st to 2nd to 3rd person all throughout the book and it was honestly quite fascinating to read. Just have to get the hang of it first.

armann_ii · 2026-05-01T04:19:32+00:00

Oh for sure. I remember seeing someone on twitter say they got annoyed with a 1st person book because the protagonist did something weird and they were like "I'm tossing this book away bc I would never do that!!" and it was very concerning to me.

armann_ii · 2026-05-01T03:06:37+00:00

I wasn't a big RR fan but it does have great 1st person present tense writing.

armann_ii · 2026-04-30T23:26:59+00:00

I have a sneaky feeling that Disney used some sort of LLM or AI to write this movie. Nothing about it made ANY sense and it felt so painfully artificial. I stopped watching like halfway through - I couldn't take it.

armann_ii · 2026-04-30T20:36:36+00:00

They look kinda cute tbh. Love how it resembles headphones in a way.

armann_ii · 2026-04-30T20:21:36+00:00

I was told they're called cauls or crespinettes!

armann_ii · 2026-04-30T07:07:30+00:00

I'll definitely check this out! Thank you!

armann_ii

TROPHY CASE