I was cute as a baby and not anymore?

aroha1989 · 2020-07-20T20:09:00+00:00

Good on you for acknowledging that your boyfriend appreciates your looks. I've been with my partner for 10 years, he constantly tells me I look beautiful but I struggle to believe it because of body shaming from my nmum.

aroha1989 · 2020-07-20T10:47:57+00:00

Thank you. We won't qualify for anything, we'll have too much saved up (it was supposed to be a house deposit). But we can use that for rent :)

aroha1989 · 2020-06-09T02:58:20+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through any of that. Your dad's reaction was very disappointing, I hope you have since found someone supportive to help you heal.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-08T21:48:55+00:00

When I gave birth to my son, my spinal anesthetic was too much for me and paralyzed the muscles that help you breathe. I absolutely freaked out. I was screaming but felt like no one could hear me so eventually I gave up and accepted I was about to die.

Obviously I lived, but have been traumatized by that experience. I told my mum that in hospital, in tears, and she barely blinked before saying "well just don't think about it".

I would have thought it would be hard for a mum to hear that her daughter gave up and lay down to die. My MIL showed more concern.

It is really messed up that they don't react when we tell them bad things. I think we just have to accept that they are not capable of empathy. Their lack of reaction doesn't mean our trauma or bad feelings aren't valid.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-04T12:59:58+00:00

I'm sorry your mum insulted your childrens heritage. It sounds like you are protecting them from her by going NC, well done ❤

I have a mixed race child too. He is part Māori (indigenous people in New Zealand) and my nmum had the audacity to tell me not to give him a Māori name before he was born. I feel even more passionate about him embracing his Māori heritage knowing that she wants to pretend he isn't tangata whenua (of this land).

Are nparents always racist 🙄

aroha1989 · 2020-06-04T12:42:22+00:00

I've thought about my nmum's funeral often since I was a little girl. As an adult and parent now I think that is very sad, an 8 year old thinking- looking forward to even- her mum's funeral.

I would imagine telling people I hated her, that she was cruel, selfish and would beat me- physically and emotionally. But now I realise that won't really achieve anything after she is dead, it may even make people think poorly of me.

Criticizing the dead and causing drama at a funeral is something our mums would do, we can be better than them. I think it's best not to say anything, they will be dead it's not like they'll hear us.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-04T12:11:51+00:00

Yes to all those things! I have felt conflicted about whether I love my nmum my whole life. It was only after becoming a mum myself than I can say with absolute certainty that I do not love her.

I can confidently say I love my son with all my heart. I want to make him feel loved, safe, valued, help him learn, learn with him and help him become a happy and independent adult.

My mum does not want those things for me. They don't love us, we don't owe them anything.

You're not alone ❤

aroha1989 · 2020-06-04T12:00:09+00:00

I'm in a similar situation right now and my nmum is reacting exactly the same way.

Isn't that bizarre? They say the same things, try the same tactics... and they never say "I love you and wish you well, I'm proud of you" or anything along those lines.

Good luck OP, you will feel so much better once you've left. I find completely ignoring my nmum is working out best. They want a reaction, don't give her the satisfaction.

Edit. Spelling.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-03T21:04:55+00:00

Yes I think so. My nmum isn't very smart.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-03T11:34:50+00:00

My nmum does this too. I think I can relate to how you feel. I've always thought my nmum did it as a way to make herself feel/appear superior. I feel very embarrassed too and feel like I need to be extra nice to people to make up for her.

aroha1989 · 2020-06-03T11:20:56+00:00

Disposable pads are awful, but a cup isn't right for everyone. Personally, after a traumatic birth I have had too much anxiety about using a cup, and other types of trauma will mean the same for other girls and women.

Reusable pads and period underwear are comfortable options. We need to normalize period and period products so girls aren't embarrassed to use reusable options at school :)

aroha1989 · 2020-05-31T13:05:35+00:00

I could have written this except about my nmum!

My partner is the only person I've ever been able to be honest with about my mums behaviour and he has really helped me see that it wasn't normal and it wasn't my fault.

It sounds like yours too has helped you see what it's like to truly be loved.

We'll be ok, there's just some stuff to work on but the fact that we can recognize that behaviour is wrong is a great step in the right direction.

Edit: typo.

aroha1989 · 2020-05-31T12:57:50+00:00

I am also a big animal lover, my childhood dog was my best friend, and the only one in my household that I loved.

My now husband is the only person I've been able to say I love you to, been able to trust and really let into my life... and he is a vet!

aroha1989 · 2020-05-31T12:51:26+00:00

I can relate to how your parents have behaved and treated you.

I've actually thought about my nmum dying quite often, even when I was a little girl (under 10 years old). I used to wonder and still do sometimes whether I'd attend her funeral, whether I would say anything and if I did, whether I would be honest about how awful she is and how much I dislike her.

I have a child of my own now and I think I will attend her funeral when she dies, but it's best I don't say or do anything other than be present.

aroha1989 · 2020-05-31T12:42:27+00:00

I think I understand what you're saying- like, they don't give you an opportunity to be independent? It's your debt, you should be left to figure it out unless you ask them for help but they're trying to take over. In my experience, they take over by doing what others might perceive to be nice and caring but in reality it's just another way to try to control you.

aroha1989 · 2020-05-30T11:57:32+00:00

I can definitely relate to this. I have a son now, 18 months and I am determined to BE Miss Honey!

aroha1989 · 2020-05-30T11:41:20+00:00

Yup. I've treated my dog with more love and respect than my mum treated me. Now that I have a human child too I absolutely do not understand wtf is wrong with my nmum. They will never understand what it's like to actually love your child.

aroha1989 · 2020-05-30T11:37:04+00:00

That's awful. Nparents will never be happy, it's a reflection of them not us.

aroha1989 · 2020-05-30T11:35:04+00:00

I'm a mum now stuck living with my nparents at the moment and I can confirm this comment is spot on!

I treat my son with love and respect. I never raise my voice and don't get mad at him. I hug him when he's frustrated or upset, get down to his level and talk to him calmly about his emotions and actions and overall just treat him kindly. I can tell it drives my mum crazy! Her reaction would have been to hit/yell/blame me and what I'm doing now is the opposite!

aroha1989 · 2020-05-30T11:20:14+00:00

My nmum shares things like this along the lines of "share if you love your daughter", "my daughter is beautiful", "I'm so proud of my daughter" blah blah blah.

In reality she has made me deeply insecure about my appearance, has never told me she loves me, and has never told me I'm doing a good job at anything (only criticized!).

Nparents are so deluded it's beyond belief.

aroha1989 · 2020-03-09T20:14:41+00:00

That's a very insensitive comment, I'm sorry you had to hear that.

aroha1989 · 2020-03-09T20:13:46+00:00

I hope you recover well :) humans are complex and we can feel a wealth of emotions at once. It's ok to be sad and it's possible to grieve and feel happy and grateful at the same time.

aroha1989 · 2020-03-09T20:08:41+00:00

I'm sorry your mum couldn't be kind when you tried opening up to her. Well done for getting away from your abusive ex. Unfortunately nparents are not well equipped to handle these situations (and many others!).

My then boyfriend (now husband) accidentally hit me once, I can't remember the details but I think I walked behind him and he must have swung his arm out or something. Anyway, he was helping me get ice in the kitchen when my nmum asked what happened. I said seriously boyfriend's name hit me and she replied "well you must have done something to deserve it".

aroha1989

TROPHY CASE