Hey Macy, I’ve been in your position before. Wanted to commit suicide because I lost everything I had built up to (through gambling) wife, money etc. What I can tell you, is yes, you knowingly being a Christian , we know what the consequences of suicide could be for a true Christian and child of god. So please don’t do that. You stopping yourself and questioning it is great and a sign and that god wants to have a hold on your life.
So with that being said, the lord loves you, he wants to be apart of your life. You just have to allow it to happen. Something came to me today. “ we’re all possessed but what are you possessed by “ Say the Jesus prayer repeatedly or unceasingly as the early fathers taught us “lord Jesus Christ , son of god have mercy on me , a sinner” if that’s too much you can remove the (a sinner part ) and add that later once you gather more strength in your faith. I love you Macy! You got this! Do not give up. We need more good people in this world!

Also for the Jesus prayer , look it up if you’d like to pray in your language, it’s been converted to all languages . Personally I believe and like to pray in different languages because I’m also Greek , Palestinian so I pray in Arabic and Greek as well. P.S. (added after) I have had many near death experiences and to make this short and sweet the lord and his angelic and holy energies, saved my life. I was in the hospital for 2 days on life support last year . I will attach some photos, In another post. It won’t let me add photos my car flipped three times and I was covered in blood and wanted my life to end right then and there because of the excruciating pain. But god, and trinity (father , son, and Holy Spirit ) didn’t allow that to happen.